Thursday, September 21, 2017

Hi Again

It's been awhile. Life has been whirling and I've been day-to-day, focusing on staying steady.

Feels strange to be on this screen again... familiar and yet not quite cozy. I'm going to try something a little different and we'll see what happens as I write this update!

A) AMBIGUITY - This is always a part of life and lately I've had a few scenarios in which I have had to mindfully accept ambiguity.

One has to do with CrossFit and a coach there. I have been experiencing anxiety wondering if she will be at the gym or if she will punish us before class or say something mean or look at me in that uniquely punitive and demeaning fashion.

That's my safe space and it's being threatened. I am not sure if she is simply going through a rough time (and even so I'm not sure if I can manage to empathize enough to counter balance my distress) or if this is just how she is going to be. I have considered trying other class times but fear losing connection with my new friends... we shall see.

Another case of ambiguity relates to my husband's family. There has been conflict between the siblings on-and-off for years. At the moment there seems to be a flare up regarding his brother. We had a good visit with him and his daughter and plan to maintain a neutral position while the sisters muster their forces.

There had been plans for the entire family to get together this Christmas. Now that's in the air. I don't like ambiguity with big holidays or events, so I hope it gets ironed out soon regardless of the plan-I just need to know!

B) BRIGHT EYES - I got some good news!

I have applied for grad school in order to obtain a Master's in Teaching-English. I didn't realize at the time that my individual classes would be evaluated and that my degree all by itself wasn't a golden ticket! When the enrollment counselor mentioned this I was very anxious to see if my classes would meet prerequisite requirements and whether or not I would have many courses to complete before my program classwork could commence.

Well, the evaluation came back and I was only short three requirements. I submitted course descriptions and syllabi and got two of those classes applied as well! All that remains is a public communications class because I decided to take "Interpersonal Communication" during high school instead of a 101 class...

Whatever. I am quite pleased! My hope of beginning the program before the year still glimmers... with a self-paced class I should be able to bang out that public speaking credit pretty durn quick.

C) CONFLICT - While things have simmered a bit in regards to my living situation, there has been increased tension between my folks.

It seems to be cooling a bit now. Last week it was more troublesome. My mother usually stuffs her frustrations with  my father and his consistent absence and neglect. Every once in a while she will boil over and this time that meant bickering with my dad as well as snapping at my sister and generally losing her cool.

The conflict is stressful for me even if I'm not directly involved. As far as tension with the hubs and I directly, things have been pretty quiet. We gave notice and have a moving date and I think everyone has just been biding their time. Awkward at times, but better overall.

D) DAGNABBIT - I am still navigating injuries. My shoulder and some wee tendons/muscles in my upper arm are bothering me on my right side. My right ankle is still healing up. My left shoulder/arm are still bothering me in regards to my thoracic outlet syndrome (numbness, tingling, weakness). I am also quite tense in my chest and shoulders which means icing and heating pad and stretching and... ugh. It's one thing dialing it down at gym, it's another when just LIVING is a challenge and uncomfy/painful.

Another dagnabbit... had a panic attack today. Damn box jumps. Wasn't completely awful. Couple minutes running cold water over my wrists and splashing my face, mindful breathing, and censoring judgments helped get me back to right.

Well. I have to get ready for my occupational therapy appointment now. I hope that I can make more time for blogging and not only read and comment but post more too! It's... it's good. Need to get back on this horse!

Thanks for being here readers-TTFN :o)

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Catching Up

Feels like it's been too long since my last post. I have had so many different ideas for posts between then and now. I'm sure that I won't be able to post them all (I've forgotten some ideas already, I'm sure) so I'll just throw together a variety into a "Catching Up" post and call it good!

How am I doing? 

Not awful and not great. The hubs told my folks that we'll be moving out at the end of the month and I feel like the dynamic has changed a bit. Either way, I was pretty stressed spending more time with my family the last few days. We did have a pretty good time a local fair:

Anxiety levels are up. Garbled speech. Tears at CrossFit. Bickering with the hubs. Suppressed appetite combined with comfort eating. I've been able to cling to an awareness that it's my illness although I'm quite aware that I could easily slip into a dangerous space in a moment's notice. Last night I began feeling like I wanted to wander off down the street to escape stress and I was able to catch the thought and navigate out of that danger zone.

What's new?

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month here in the US and I wanted to do something special on my Facebook page. Instead of one special post, I'm going to post several times about suicide prevention. I haven't shared anything specific about my personal story, although I feel like I will at some point.

It's still quite taboo. My first family won't really talk about it. I can talk openly about it with the hubs and my in-laws though. I make it a point to be open with friends and acquaintances about my experiences and where I'm coming from too. I try not to overshare (even when suffering from social anxiety my mouth seems to have a tendency to just keep moving) and I also don't beat around the bush.

Going through what I went through and having felt so lonely and rejected for so many years I feel compelled to act as an advocate. I think it's a part of me that I wasn't quite aware of before, because while breastfeeding I acted as an advocate as well! Hmm... Anyways. Sharing my story has been mostly well received so far. Sometimes there are awkward moments-sure-overall I've had positive experiences.

Also, re-injured my ankle. Still nursing the thoracic outlet syndrome issues too. Frustrating.

That kinesia-whatever tape AIN'T NO JOKE!

Any plans?

I have plans to hang out with a gal from CrossFit and her son (whom BB adores) outside of gym. I'm not only excited to hang out for fun's sake, I'm excited to be practicing my social skills! We've already ventured out after CrossFit a couple times with other moms and kiddos. Even went to a happy hour with some other adults one evening with the hubs. Baby steps :o)

I've also made plans to meet up with a friend up north to go check out a glass pumpkin patch. I'm excited! I suspected that I had wanted to do this for a long time and hadn't been able to (the hubby confirmed this for me) so I'm happy to finally get around to it. I love glass art and I think it'll be a great way to break into fall.

Pending plans also regarding my schooling... I sent in transcripts and am waiting to hear back from an online college whether or not my degree includes all the pre-reqs they want in order to begin my Master's in Teaching-English.

Feel like life's a bit messy right now. Spinning a lot of plates and such. Bit hectic and confusing and feeling out of control, but I'm able to set that aside and let things roll. I'm doing what I can and I don't want to get caught up in the details. One thing at a time. Momentum will keep things going, I don't need to manage each tiny thing!

I hope.... ;o)

Happy September and I hope to do some catching up on other blogs very soon!

Saturday, August 26, 2017


I'm sure I've written about this before here. It comes up rather often for me, so it may just be a recurring theme in my life! As the hubster just comforted me, "It's the BPD. You have identity issues." That's okay.


This morning as the hubster, Baby Bananaface, and I were eating brekkie we overheard my sister talking to her baby daddy about their mutual birthday gift idea for my nephew. He'll be turning two this fall and they've decided to go in on a motorized miniature Humvee for him. Not our style or something we see as appropriate for a child that age (or even BB's age).

Shortly thereafter I was in the shower and found myself playing out a scene in my head. It got me wondering if my sister sees our different parenting styles in a competitive light. I hope this isn't so as much as I struggle with insecurity and competitiveness, so I understand how she might feel.

The competitive conflict triggered my identity insecurities. While the initial trigger was related to parenting styles, I found myself thinking about my labels. I have embodied a klutzy fat girl persona for so many years it seems as much a part of me as my "Eeyore" identity in my family.

These labels, these judgments, stem from comparison and either/or thinking. In my case, the teasing and criticism over the years has reinforced and amplified these issues; I believe it's a symptom of my family's insecurities...

I've been seeing it come up at my gym among other places. Living with my family has made it extremely hard to avoid backsliding into those negative cycles and cowing to their teasing. I know part of me is my humor, there are more and more times of late when it comes up as a defense mechanism. Being around my family has made me slip back into my klutzy, fat girl routine. Even if I don't finish last or lift the lightest weight, I feel like the CrossFit caboose. I play down my abilities, doubt myself, and get caught up in chronic comparisons.

The constant internal critiquing is exhausting and debilitating. I had made a lot of progress with my self-confidence the past several months before moving here. Lately, it's been hard to stay comfortable in my body and appreciate the changes since I started working out.

My family may be varsity athletes, collegiate-level athletes, and nationally ranked athletes. That doesn't mean that I can't be athletic too.

I suffer from chronic depressive episodes. That doesn't mean that I can't be a happy person.

I carry extra weight. That doesn't mean that I have to ashamed and self-conscious.

There are so many negative habits from my first family that I have to fight back. These are just some of those habits that have become tangled up in my disorders.

It can be so confusing and destabilizing! No wonder I have to write it out from time to time ;o)

Wishing everyone a happy weekend! As far as my health status of late, I've been feeling much safer although the hubs and I keenly aware of my fragile status and susceptibility right now. We've been working in more time out of the house and avoiding triggers. Our backup plan involves me moving in my in-laws for a bit if things get dangerous again.