Saturday, December 29, 2012
"Fio's last owners might have been Spanish speakers. He's probably used to, 'Gracias George!' Hahaha." Kev said.
"Uh, it would've been 'Gracias Jorge' in Spanish." I replied.
"Uh NO, that's with a J!"
"Jorge is George in Spanish."
"Whoa. My boss is named George?! This changes everything!."
Oh what silliness we create haha
Monday, December 17, 2012
I'm not sure if the antidepressants or depression is to blame for my mental cloudiness, but it definitely complicates things. Depression is a sneaky disease as it is and when this numbness sets in it's a fog like wool over my eyes, and the disease becomes even more slippery.
Even now, as I write this, I feel like I should be more angered or empowered to fight back and yet I hardly hold enough motivation to get off the couch for a glass of water or bathroom break. I am physically disabled by the chemical imbalance in my brain and mentally immobilized by the crippling disgust with myself. It's a vicious cycle.
I don't care about myself enough. I don't value Hannah.
Listening to the radio this morning (KIRO 97.3 FM) I heard John Curly tell a story about one his childhood friend's struggle with mental disease and subsequent radio hosts discuss the lack of value put on human life and pervasive feeling of isolation even in our social media-riddled high tech society.
It rang so true. I don't value my life. I don't feel like a sacred being. I feel that without success or accomplishments I retain absolutely no value-just another carcass. I feel isolated and alone. Misunderstood and unwanted. Worthless. How do you work up the gumption to save something you don't value? Especially when it causes so much distress, anxiety, and pain for me and my family.
I see how little human life is valued all over the world and reason that unless I make some outstanding contribution to humanity I'm not worth the space I take up or the oxygen I breathe.
Maybe I think this way because of a decade of depression or maybe it's not a completely uncommon thought process, but I do know that the self-harming and suicidal thoughts I consider so often aren't healthy or "normal."
It's not an acceptable way to live. Someday I might have the hope and strength to change things. For now, I'm barely holding on with the remnants of hope left to me waiting for something to go my way and help me out of this hole.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Today was rough but the truth of it is nearly anything could have broken me at nearly anytime yesterday, last week, today, or tomorrow. I've been tiptoeing across an ax blade for weeks.
Since ornament season hit I've been pushing myself a little harder than I should. Going from a 0-hour work week to 40+ work week was a big shift and has hit me hard, especially since I wasn't in a healthy place before the holidays.
I didn't realize how numbed out I've been until a little pressure was applied and all the weak spots I've painted over have collapsed in again. The hubby wanted to cancel my non-insurance medical provider and switch me to a local provider covered by Group Health but after some encouragement from my counselor I made an appointment with my well-liked ARNP last week.
We upped my meds back to 40 mg. The hubby says I've been reacting to the shift, but I can't tell if it's meds or just me. Either way, it feels.. depressing.
This year I haven't been feeling much Christmas cheer and I've yet to watch a Christmas flick, but I whipped up some sugar cookie dough tonight and the fufu Christmas sprinkles the hubster got me are helping get me there. Tomorrow or Friday I'll be able to bake 'em up and ice them, and hopefully I'll get to watch my fav, "Holiday Inn."
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
|Right after our ceremony at 9:30 am in Ashford, WA at Copper Creek Inn|
|The unity painting prepared for the ceremony|
|Our finished painting with the branches and trunk painted during the ceremony|
|The pinata my bestie and I made for my hubby to bust apart|
Friday, October 12, 2012
In a couple of weeks I'll have my brain back and actually write something, but til then just some PAWS kitties :o)
|Grey, soft, adorable!|
|A cat called Owl|
|"ALIEN TOY! MINE!"|
|"Meh. I can entertain myself."|
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The wedding is barreling toward us and I've been facing some feelings I didn't really expect.
I'm a minimizer. When I have bad feelings I assume that I've done something wrong. It's a tough lesson accepting that someone wronged me and trying to cope with the feelings it gives me-I just don't know what to do! It makes me feel selfish and whiny and worthless, but I'm trying to embrace my self worth and realize that my feelings are valid.
So what is this all about?
I've been feeling like a D-list bride.
D-list (n) Definition: a group considered below all others, considered below all standards
My conditioned response is to chastise myself, feel shame and call myself selfish. I shove my feelings in the closet and try to ignore the sadness, which usually results in binge eating or misdirected anger-but that's my status quo.
I was feeling a little down about my wedding experience so far when I went to my first dress fitting and became aware of some regret regarding my dress.
It's a beautiful dress and I love it, but it didn't feel like a decision I made for myself. It is pretty traditional and I wanted something a little funky. My fiance says I got steamrolled and I didn't even realize it until he mentioned something.
My fiance helped me pick out a reception dress that is more "me" and I felt bridal for the first time-but that wasn't the real moment I realized I'd been missing out. I realized I'd been missing out when we had our cake tasting at my bestie's house.
I felt spoiled. I felt like my opinion really mattered. I was happy to share the experience with my best friend and her husband, but I didn't feel pressured. It was fun and unlike anything I'd ever experienced, being surrounded by people interested in my opinion and not caring about crowd pleasing or saving face or expectations.
After that the cogs starting turning and strange feelings descended upon me. It took a few days, but it dawned on me that I was disappointed with my bridal shower. In addition, I've been struggling to get help from my family with certain wedding projects and I began to realize how snubbed I really felt.
I don't feel special. I don't feel like a bride. I feel like the same old Hannah taking care of everything and worrying about everyone else. I'm sick of it.
If I don't get help with things-so be it. If people think I'm too oddball or asking for too much-yeah right! My standards are still exceptionally low the only change is that I've raised them from rock bottom by about two notches.
If I can only feel special with certain friends and my fiance, then I'll lean on them even more and ignore the negativity.
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm not going to minimize it away, suppress my needs and waste the opportunity. I'm a bride just this once and as much as I've tried to rationalize it away into something "not so important" the reality is that it does mean something to me and I want to remember it well.
I give myself permission to be special, spoiled, and sparkly.
Bring on the mimosas!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
No burning hot sun and a comfortably cool, overcast day! I savored my hot coffee and snuggly couch time watching old Star Trek movies with the fiance and pets.
We had a nice walk along the lakeside and watched a heron snap up a fish! Never ceases to captivate me watching a heron tread the water so slowly then suddenly explode into action and POOF! all of sudden a fish is whisked out of it's aquatic refuge.
I've been very contemplative for some reason. It feels like my subconscious is chewing on something but I'm not quite sure what it is. The fiance and I had a very interesting conversation about death and some sort of reincarnation/evolution but I don't think that's what was truly on my mind. Maybe it was just a part of what I'm working on in there. Maybe it will help me with my vows!
Oh well. Time will tell! I'm brewing up something. It feels good to be back to my truer self. My thinky quirky self instead of stagnant and trapped, my thoughts feel directed toward some sort of accomplishment.
I'm chugging along-not quite bullet train speed, but we're moving forward.
Monday, September 3, 2012
You know when you feel jilted or stepped on/offended and then that person who seemed to have no clue they had hurt you turns around and suddenly apologizes and makes you feel like a million bucks?
Yeah, he did that today :o) My $16 outfit he didn't seem to notice, he noticed, and he made it feel like Versace! (I know so little fashion I'm not even sure that's spelled correctly!)
Then, just now, we were watching "27 Dresses" after he had resisted partaking for nearly a week and he was laughing! Actually getting into one of my girly fun frufru movies and he said, "Well, those rom-coms do that to ya, they sneak up on ya." Haha
It was adorable watching him getting sneak-attacked by a rom-com, especially because they're so much more fun to watch with someone else :o)
It got me in more of a wedding mood, although I must say I think there is a gross exaggeration by the media about it "being the bride's day." Maybe it's just how I was raised but I expect to be putting out fires and running around like a chicken with my head cutoff the entire time, I don't know where all this "bride worship" came from! Maybe I'm just too worried about taking care of everyone else? Afraid of being taken for a bridezilla?
I don't know. Whatever it is, it's exhausting. Must be wedding flu.
I was a little surprised to feel such an intense physical reaction to the topic.
The pain is a dull sucking ache in the center of my chest, like a melon baller scooped out my heart center and left a yawning void. A lump in my throat and had a hard time breathing accompanied the aches.
After a little discussion my mind took me back to a party thrown for me ten years ago...
It was my thirteenth birthday (I'm pretty sure, but not certain) and my dad and I spent a good chunk of the day in Seattle. We went up in the Space Needle and I almost made myself sick watching the ground swoosh up past me when we descended in the elevator.
It was a wonderful time and I cherish the memory, but when we returned to the house my memories are a little less welcome.
Upon entering I was shocked to find a large gathering and surprise party in my honor. I was so overwhelmed and shocked and grateful that I began to cry and ran upstairs to my room embarrassed. My mother followed me and chastised me for not thanking my guests, telling me to pull myself together and get back downstairs.
I still carry the pain from that brief moment so many years ago. Who knows how I would've handled myself had my mother given me time to compose myself and come downstairs on my own-but her reaction as it occurred has haunted me for a long time.
Now I'm anxious about the bridal shower my mother is hosting. Having parties hosted for me or receiving gifts has been hard for me for years between memories of that day and an overwhelming since of guilt and feeling I don't deserve that which is bestowed on me.
I'm nervous about interacting with the guests and being the center of attention as well as potential chafing comments from my mother. But expecting the worst will get me nowhere.
I just have to do my best. Be genuine and let any hurtful comments roll of my back. I am genuinely grateful for what I receive and while I struggle to feel like I deserve such nice things, I don't need to feel even worse because someone else has conflicting feelings themselves or doesn't understand me.
*deep breaths* I'm just gonna be me! And if that isn't enough I'll pop the good ole Xanax!
Our walk around the lake with Fio made me appreciate our beautiful lake and remember all the awesome nature sightings we've had here....
Today we saw a turtle, some sort of diving bird, dragonflies, and of course our friendly neighborhood ducks.
Earlier this week we identified a Green Heron-it was very exciting for us! We went from a "baby heron" to a Night Heron to an American Bittern and finally to the real thing! It was a wee bit romantic thinking of our retirement years ahead as an older cute couple birding together!
We've also spotted a beaver, rats, some sort of swimming muskrat thing our local pair of eagles and a variety of other waterfowl including Bufflehead and American Coots.
I'm glad to have these moments where I pause and genuinely appreciate my "backyard." :o)
Monday, August 27, 2012
A mildly creepy moment this evening when the fiance and I checked out 7 items from the library and I remembered a character from the Star Trek episode we'd watched with dinner was called "Gary Seven" AND in Boot Camp today I did a seven station exercise series.
Seven-Seven-Seven this Monday, for whatever it's worth!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
"You know what's funny?" I asked as I discarded a two of hearts and sat back in my chair.
"This?" he replied as he drew a playing card and emptied his hand onto the table. He laughed as I slumped, jotted down points and scooped the cards up to shuffle for the next hand.
"I was just thinking that if we hadn't gone to California we could have afforded a honeymoon." I smirked and gazed wistfully into his eyes.
Gazing lovingly back he laughed, "Yeah, that occurred me on the flight back home."
The trip had been more pain than pleasure and the only perk had been some quality time with his parents, which we could have got for much cheaper here in Washington. We couldn't really afford the airfare just as we couldn't afford to drive there, but we both thought making it to his sister's wedding was more important than maintaining a positive balance in our bank accounts.
"Well, we're good people." I sighed and shuffled.
"Yeah," he chuckled, "and that will make our honeymoon all the sweeter when we finally get around to it."
"Yeah." I smiled and dealt the cards.
It might be years or just months, but when we get our honeymoon, by golly, it'll be a good one! We'll have a honeymoon at home this October with our pets and hometown favorites in addition to a fun wedding weekend!
And that, my friends, is how we're playing our hand.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Definition of DISMAY
Monday, August 20, 2012
I'm sure everyone would rather leave those bad feelings behind, create someclosure and conciliation but it is hard to find those sincere feelings and approach them so directly with a genuine apology.
Why all this apology talk? Because I wanted such an apology from someone who hurt me, but he doesn't seem to understand this fine art of reconciliation. He prefers to file all the bad feelings and hurtful exchanges in the "crap" folder and move on-but I dont see that as really moving on... It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, it's about acknowledging and respecting someone else's feelings and showing you care with a meaningful apology.
I may never get my apology from him even though I gave him mine, so I'll write it here for myself. "Hannah, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and made you feel like I could take you or leave you as part of this family. We both misunderstood some things and I will try to be more sensitive in the future." *hug it out* Then we could move forward and learn from this instead of continuing a useless pattern.
Not sure that's gonna happen. Some people just like their old, familiar emotional stew and marinate in it til the day they die. Enjoy yourselves! I'd rather drain the old muck and get fresh new bubbles and clean water :o)
Monday, August 13, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
The fiance and I made these "make your own prayer flags" for our guests to do at our reception.
We made one sample banner (which is adorable) and then we have a variety of prayer flag colors for our guests to choose from.
The checklist is shrinking, but remains a formidable entity! Life will get a lot more boring after the wedding and all the projects are finished~or will it? Guess we'll see :o)
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
And sadly, those down feelings have been haunting me lately.
It's not quite my usual debilitating depression but a stalking negativity that paralyzes me. I feel almost paranoid the way these thoughts keep recurring.
And it's not just self-harming, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. It's feeling bad about the housekeeping and having too much junk and been worried about my treatment plan's effectiveness. It's weird because I've been more social and active than ever these last few weeks, but my heart is weak.
In therapy we've been talking about a deep, deep feeling of worthlessness and shame. I've been too afraid to confront the feeling before and in the past I've been able to placate my fears with superficial achievement in school or work. Now I don't have that band-aid. I simply AM and I don't see just Hannah as very worthwhile.
The sad part is I'm not a bump on a log. I've been churning out wedding decor and exercising and doing productive things, but my band-aid isn't working like it used to. I've lost my defenses and I have no back-up plan.
I'm bare. I'm raw. I'm broken. And I'm painfully aware of it without a way to cope.
I feel so vulnerable right now and confused, hurting and alone. The fiance tries to be supportive but I can't explain it and he doesn't understand what is going on-it's not the normal schtick and even if it was I think we're all sick of that by now.
Egh, before I slide into a muddy pit of despair I'm going to cut myself off. Maybe my next post will be about all the trippy dreams I'm having lately? Last night I got some bulky piece of an electronic tablet stuck under my upper lip and had to find a surgeon in Disneyland!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
The fiance was cookin' away in the kitchen and the next thing ya know this is what I hear:
"The ONLY thing I want for the wedding is some f***ing measuring cups that don't bend when I scoop! Jesus Christ! This is ridiculous!"
Hahahaha Gotta love him-even when he's bested by a giant box of Bisquick.
A hearty chuckle really helps when my legs are throbbing from another attempt at jogging. So far I can go half a mile before I get going so slow the dog starts napping. Hopefully I'll be at it again Thursday!
Monday, July 30, 2012
The wedding is moving along and our pets are happy and healthy. The only wrench in our gears is finances. Well, the lack thereof.
We did however manage to scrape together some money to buy a used cat condo off my BFF for the kitties. They love it!
Some gorgeous hydrangea from my future mother-in-law's garden and my cutie pie, Millie.
So money is tight, nerves are frayed, and blood pressure is up. I feel trapped and don't know how to cope with failure-or feeling like a loser at least. I've never been in that position, and if I have been I've been suicidal or so down on myself I never learned how to deal with regular ole hard times.
In more important news I have a 5K to run in a couple weeks. Seriously. My legs are killing me. It's as if someone replaced my jumbo calves with jumbo pain organs!
Next Monday boot camp @ the Y starts and on the 12th I run the 5K in Seattle and then the week after the run I have a dress fitting in Alderwood.
August-here I come.