Well, it's been awhile! I have been busy, but not that busy. The real thing is that I've been mulling and thinking and unsure what to share.
The wedding is barreling toward us and I've been facing some feelings I didn't really expect.
I'm a minimizer. When I have bad feelings I assume that I've done something wrong. It's a tough lesson accepting that someone wronged me and trying to cope with the feelings it gives me-I just don't know what to do! It makes me feel selfish and whiny and worthless, but I'm trying to embrace my self worth and realize that my feelings are valid.
So what is this all about?
I've been feeling like a D-list bride.
D-list (n) Definition: a group considered below all others, considered below all standards
My conditioned response is to chastise myself, feel shame and call myself selfish. I shove my feelings in the closet and try to ignore the sadness, which usually results in binge eating or misdirected anger-but that's my status quo.
I was feeling a little down about my wedding experience so far when I went to my first dress fitting and became aware of some regret regarding my dress.
It's a beautiful dress and I love it, but it didn't feel like a decision I made for myself. It is pretty traditional and I wanted something a little funky. My fiance says I got steamrolled and I didn't even realize it until he mentioned something.
My fiance helped me pick out a reception dress that is more "me" and I felt bridal for the first time-but that wasn't the real moment I realized I'd been missing out. I realized I'd been missing out when we had our cake tasting at my bestie's house.
I felt spoiled. I felt like my opinion really mattered. I was happy to share the experience with my best friend and her husband, but I didn't feel pressured. It was fun and unlike anything I'd ever experienced, being surrounded by people interested in my opinion and not caring about crowd pleasing or saving face or expectations.
After that the cogs starting turning and strange feelings descended upon me. It took a few days, but it dawned on me that I was disappointed with my bridal shower. In addition, I've been struggling to get help from my family with certain wedding projects and I began to realize how snubbed I really felt.
I don't feel special. I don't feel like a bride. I feel like the same old Hannah taking care of everything and worrying about everyone else. I'm sick of it.
If I don't get help with things-so be it. If people think I'm too oddball or asking for too much-yeah right! My standards are still exceptionally low the only change is that I've raised them from rock bottom by about two notches.
If I can only feel special with certain friends and my fiance, then I'll lean on them even more and ignore the negativity.
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm not going to minimize it away, suppress my needs and waste the opportunity. I'm a bride just this once and as much as I've tried to rationalize it away into something "not so important" the reality is that it does mean something to me and I want to remember it well.
I give myself permission to be special, spoiled, and sparkly.
No burning hot sun and a comfortably cool, overcast day! I savored my hot coffee and snuggly couch time watching old Star Trek movies with the fiance and pets.
We had a nice walk along the lakeside and watched a heron snap up a fish! Never ceases to captivate me watching a heron tread the water so slowly then suddenly explode into action and POOF! all of sudden a fish is whisked out of it's aquatic refuge.
I've been very contemplative for some reason. It feels like my subconscious is chewing on something but I'm not quite sure what it is. The fiance and I had a very interesting conversation about death and some sort of reincarnation/evolution but I don't think that's what was truly on my mind. Maybe it was just a part of what I'm working on in there. Maybe it will help me with my vows!
Oh well. Time will tell! I'm brewing up something. It feels good to be back to my truer self. My thinky quirky self instead of stagnant and trapped, my thoughts feel directed toward some sort of accomplishment.
You know when you feel jilted or stepped on/offended and then that person who seemed to have no clue they had hurt you turns around and suddenly apologizes and makes you feel like a million bucks?
Yeah, he did that today :o) My $16 outfit he didn't seem to notice, he noticed, and he made it feel like Versace! (I know so little fashion I'm not even sure that's spelled correctly!)
Then, just now, we were watching "27 Dresses" after he had resisted partaking for nearly a week and he was laughing! Actually getting into one of my girly fun frufru movies and he said, "Well, those rom-coms do that to ya, they sneak up on ya." Haha
It was adorable watching him getting sneak-attacked by a rom-com, especially because they're so much more fun to watch with someone else :o)
It got me in more of a wedding mood, although I must say I think there is a gross exaggeration by the media about it "being the bride's day." Maybe it's just how I was raised but I expect to be putting out fires and running around like a chicken with my head cutoff the entire time, I don't know where all this "bride worship" came from! Maybe I'm just too worried about taking care of everyone else? Afraid of being taken for a bridezilla?
I don't know. Whatever it is, it's exhausting. Must be wedding flu.
In addition to a wonderful walk the fiance and I explored some of my anxiety over my upcoming bridal shower.
I was a little surprised to feel such an intense physical reaction to the topic.
The pain is a dull sucking ache in the center of my chest, like a melon baller scooped out my heart center and left a yawning void. A lump in my throat and had a hard time breathing accompanied the aches.
After a little discussion my mind took me back to a party thrown for me ten years ago...
It was my thirteenth birthday (I'm pretty sure, but not certain) and my dad and I spent a good chunk of the day in Seattle. We went up in the Space Needle and I almost made myself sick watching the ground swoosh up past me when we descended in the elevator.
It was a wonderful time and I cherish the memory, but when we returned to the house my memories are a little less welcome.
Upon entering I was shocked to find a large gathering and surprise party in my honor. I was so overwhelmed and shocked and grateful that I began to cry and ran upstairs to my room embarrassed. My mother followed me and chastised me for not thanking my guests, telling me to pull myself together and get back downstairs.
I still carry the pain from that brief moment so many years ago. Who knows how I would've handled myself had my mother given me time to compose myself and come downstairs on my own-but her reaction as it occurred has haunted me for a long time.
Now I'm anxious about the bridal shower my mother is hosting. Having parties hosted for me or receiving gifts has been hard for me for years between memories of that day and an overwhelming since of guilt and feeling I don't deserve that which is bestowed on me.
I'm nervous about interacting with the guests and being the center of attention as well as potential chafing comments from my mother. But expecting the worst will get me nowhere.
I just have to do my best. Be genuine and let any hurtful comments roll of my back. I am genuinely grateful for what I receive and while I struggle to feel like I deserve such nice things, I don't need to feel even worse because someone else has conflicting feelings themselves or doesn't understand me.
*deep breaths* I'm just gonna be me! And if that isn't enough I'll pop the good ole Xanax!
Today has been a wonderful "off day" as the fiance put it ;o)
Our walk around the lake with Fio made me appreciate our beautiful lake and remember all the awesome nature sightings we've had here....
Today we saw a turtle, some sort of diving bird, dragonflies, and of course our friendly neighborhood ducks.
Earlier this week we identified a Green Heron-it was very exciting for us! We went from a "baby heron" to a Night Heron to an American Bittern and finally to the real thing! It was a wee bit romantic thinking of our retirement years ahead as an older cute couple birding together!
We've also spotted a beaver, rats, some sort of swimming muskrat thing our local pair of eagles and a variety of other waterfowl including Bufflehead and American Coots.
I'm glad to have these moments where I pause and genuinely appreciate my "backyard." :o)