Saturday, December 29, 2012

Es-spah-nol

The hubby and I were discussing how little Spanish we each knew when this conversation ensued....

"Fio's last owners might have been Spanish speakers. He's probably used to, 'Gracias George!' Hahaha." Kev said.

"Uh, it would've been 'Gracias Jorge' in Spanish." I replied.

"Uh NO, that's with a J!"

"Jorge is George in Spanish."

Pause.

"Whoa. My boss is named George?! This changes everything!."

Oh what silliness we create haha

Monday, December 17, 2012

Monday

I have been pretty numb lately. I can't imagine the despair in Connecticut on Friday and all through the weekend. I can't even really comprehend my own pain. I think I've been gray for so long I don't realize my mood slipping into the black and I don't know how to hold onto the happy white. Not much distinction.

I'm not sure if the antidepressants or depression is to blame for my mental cloudiness, but it definitely complicates things. Depression is a sneaky disease as it is and when this numbness sets in it's a fog like wool over my eyes, and the disease becomes even more slippery.

Even now, as I write this, I feel like I should  be more angered or empowered to fight back and yet I hardly hold enough motivation to get off the couch for a glass of water or bathroom break. I am physically disabled by the chemical imbalance in my brain and mentally immobilized by the crippling disgust with  myself. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't care about myself enough. I don't value Hannah.


Listening to the radio this morning (KIRO 97.3 FM) I heard John Curly tell a story about one his childhood friend's struggle with mental disease and subsequent radio hosts discuss the lack of value put on human life and pervasive feeling of isolation even in our social media-riddled high tech society.

It rang so true. I don't value my life. I don't feel like a sacred being. I feel that without success or accomplishments I retain absolutely no value-just another carcass. I feel isolated and alone. Misunderstood and unwanted.  Worthless.  How do you work up the gumption to save something you don't value? Especially when it causes so much distress, anxiety, and pain for me and my family.

I see how little human life is valued all over the world and reason that unless I make some outstanding contribution to humanity I'm  not worth the space I take up or the oxygen I breathe.



Maybe I think this way because of a decade of depression or maybe it's not a completely uncommon thought process, but I do know that the self-harming and suicidal thoughts I consider so often aren't healthy or "normal."

It's not an acceptable way to live. Someday I might have the hope and strength to change things. For now, I'm barely holding on with the remnants of hope left to me waiting for something to go my way and help me out of this hole.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Tub

Its an eight-pawed furry fury of masculine power divided by one thick wedge of tub and a world of differences....

Can there be peace????

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Dreary

I feel about as shitty as the weather. Or as shitty as the weather would seem to an out-of-towner that is...

Today was rough but the truth of it is nearly anything could have broken me at nearly anytime yesterday, last week, today, or tomorrow. I've been tiptoeing across an ax blade for weeks.

Since ornament season hit I've been pushing myself a little harder than I should. Going from a 0-hour work week to 40+ work week was a big shift and has hit me hard, especially since I wasn't in a healthy place before the holidays.

I didn't realize how numbed out I've been until a little pressure was applied and all the weak spots I've painted over have collapsed in again. The hubby wanted to cancel my non-insurance medical provider and switch me to a local provider covered by Group Health but after some encouragement from my counselor I made an appointment with my well-liked ARNP last week.

We upped my meds back to 40 mg. The hubby says I've been reacting to the shift, but I can't tell if it's meds or just me. Either way, it feels.. depressing.

This year I haven't been feeling much Christmas cheer and I've yet to watch a Christmas flick, but I whipped up some sugar cookie dough tonight and the fufu Christmas sprinkles the hubster got me are helping get me there. Tomorrow or Friday I'll be able to bake 'em up and ice them, and hopefully I'll get to watch my fav, "Holiday Inn."