Saturday, March 30, 2013
It was the kind of tired where I have really radical dreams and float in and out of consciousness and sleeping like a rock so that I have no idea how long I really slept, only that I was dreaming crazy and up at least three times last night.
Why so tired?
It was a looooong Friday for us!
As I mentioned, the hubster had an interview down south and Fio and I tagged along. We were up before 7 am, on the road around 8 am and in OR by noon. The big show was at 2 pm so we had a little bit of time to cruise the area and check out the local Fred Meyers (BIG POINTS-it was gorgeous).
While he was doing his thing the dog and I walked, chillaxed with a book, and eventually did a little sight-seeing and shopping.
FOR OVER 3 HOURS.
Seriously. I thought they were checking his teeth or sequencing his DNA or something.
To add tiring factors it hit 71 degrees! Fio was panting nearly all day long and the both of us couldn't get enough of that new car AC.
He didn't walk out with an offer as I had expected after such a long interview but he did do some secret agent work and found out that his competition was there earlier that day and his interview didn't last quite 2 hours.
Good sign, maybe?
We loved the neighborhood and even though the company seems dead set against handing out relocation funds we're still very interested.
Maybe I'm to see the hubby eat ramen for a week!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
I started off the month with that dastardly boil throwing a wrench into my week after my check-up with a new primary care doc at Everett Clinic. I had to cancel my PAWS shift because I couldn't walk any useful length!
That painful speed bump cleared up just in time for me and the hubby to head south for my mom's 50th birthday. It was a Bunco party and I enjoyed seeing some old friends but it's still odd hanging out with my mom and her friends when they're drinkin' and partying!
Turns out the hubster digs Bunco. Who would've thought? We decided if/when we have a moving party we'll make it a Bunco-themed shindig.
Speaking of moving... Tomorrow the hub, myself, and Fio are heading south, south to Hillsboro, OR, outside of Portland for an in-person 3rd interview with a dental company!
We have been mulling over the idea of moving down there and are going to give the town a thorough once-over tomorrow morning before his interview.
We've felt good about this prospect and are anticipating moving very soon. Of course, as excited as we are, we are just as anxious. Breaking our lease, paying for a moving truck, packing everything up and completing the move with 3 pets is a daunting task for us!
I'm nervous about feeling more isolated in a new town with absolutely 0 contacts. I already feel isolated here! Without a job, family, or many friends nearby it's basically me and my pets with a smattering of interactions with strangers.
I will say there is the occasional spark of social activity! On Tuesday I went to a fellow PersonalizedFree.com's home for lunch and chatting and hanging out. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and will gobble up the Thai leftovers she sent me home with shortly... *yum*
Further news! I had a dermatology appointment yesterday and have started a prescription acne treatment with antibiotics and a RX cream. I am going to do some more research on it, but I really liked my ARNP and nurse at the clinic and am feeling good about things so far :)
Further, further news! I'm not convinced of my depression diagnosis anymore.
I'm reading Eric Maisel's writing about "Natural Psychology" and the concept that while biological depression does exist, it is quite often over-diagnosed due to misguided expectations about the nature of life.
Sure, I'm sure I've been biologically depressed before but right now, I feel like my main issue is psychological. I don't look at the world in a healthy, helpful way. I have very negative thought patterns and I don't have any driving force or reason to my life.
I'm reading and learning and going to do some work on this to try and unearth a purpose for my existence. More to follow-this'll be quite the undertaking!
In the meantime, I'm swallowing loads of pills everyday including: Vitamin D, Vitamin B Complex, Magnesium, Multi-Vitamin, Seroquel, Lexapro, thyroid meds, and now acne meds! I feel like a reverse-gumball machine.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
No, I haven't been ecstatically happy-don't worry, you haven't missed much! But there is some news on the medication front. I am off of Wellbutrin and on Seroquel.
It was a relatively smooth transition, especially compared to my past medication experiments. The new Seroquel does pack quite a sleepy punch, which is especially dangerous for me as a wannabe hibernater.
On the bright side, while I might be sleeping in too much I have been more active and even able to go on some walks.
Yes. Walks are a noteworthy step for me. Pun intended. Ha.
Even though I've made the switch medication-wise, it will be a few weeks before I will be able to tell if Seroquel helps or hurts or doesn't do much for me. For the time being I'm just grateful this transition period didn't lead to another suicidal episode or ride in a cop car.
So I'm just taking it easy and trying to be nice to myself. The therapist gave me some affirmations that I've been trying to say out loud each day. We're focusing on building a belief system for me, at least that's the best way to describe it. I basically said, "I need a reason to live," and we're working on making my mind a friendlier place. It's hard to wrap my mind around!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Kinda found my own definition for feeling "lower than low."
I felt so today when I felt lower and more worthless than the lowest of society. Criminals and degenerates have to be rated higher than me simply for having the will to do something at all-even if it be deplorable!
I do nothing. I am nothing. I am worth nothing. I feel like another knick knack on a shelf-somehow comforting with its presence but the observant realize it serves no true purpose.
I fill space. I'm one more object to pack along and carry through life.
What a waste.
How do I create self-worth from nothing at all? Nothing comes from nothing.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Unlike food and drink that we ingest, items that are topical/external use or household cleaners aren't regulated by the FDA and the companies that produce them are left to regulate themselves.
Need I say Wall Street?
Anywho. Of course I had to look up the stuff we have around the house. Most of our items were benign or of very little risk. Our "major offenders" were my beloved Comet, our Kirkland Dishwashing Detergent, and our Arm & Hammer Free & Clear Detergent.
Browsing the site myself I found that the most concerning risk factor for each product was the risk of cancer or reproductive toxicity. They also rated the items based on respiratory/asthma and skin allergies/irritation as well as environmental hazard levels.
Thankfully nothing we use has high concern (except for the skin irritation potential of my Comet) so I don't feel a panic-urge to toss our all our product and replace it immediately with friendlier items, but I am considering replacing them with friendlier items once we use what we have up.
Dr. Bronner's and Seventh Generation brands have great ratings and are relatively easy to come by as opposed to some of the smaller, super-clean brands the site rates highest-so that'll do.
The hubster also browsed Google on carcinogens for himself after I asked him late last night what he thought of it all and reading a little bit more was reassuring. Yeah, there are tons of chemicals out there messing us up but luckily it takes a long time for most of these toxins to harm us and they don't directly give cancer but can make it easier for cancer to crop up.
I'm not in a state of panic but I'm glad to know about these potential risks lurking in my house and I'm excited to try healthier options. It couldn't hurt and I bet it'll smell a whole lot better!
Saturday, March 2, 2013
The weekend after Valentine's Day the hubbo and I began our 500 mile+ trek to Klamath Falls for a much needed vacation. We dropped the pup off in Yelm with my folks on Sunday and started out early Monday morning. We made several pit stops on the way to our condo/resort/hotel thang so we spent about 12 hours getting from Yelm to Klamath Falls. Yeah-it was a long day.
It was snowy and beautiful and we had fun exploring lava beds, caves, and local historical sites. I still had a hard time relaxing.
My body constantly carries tension and several times a day I notice my shoulders tensing and raising toward my ears. I also struggled to relax mentally and struggled with angry outbursts and patience with the hubby. Thankfully we've gotten better at apologizing to one another but with my longstanding tendency toward withdrawal I still struggle to process my anger in healthy ways.
All in all I would still call it a successful vacation, although not spectacular. I think much of my enjoyment was stifled by my mental/emotional struggles (oh, yes, they're still on-going) but I look back on our caving and road trips fondly!
As I mentioned, I struggle to deal with anger effectively. In the past when I've tried to express myself while angry or frustrated I've been laughed at and ridiculed, teased, chastised, and shamed. Long story short, I didn't really learn how to be angry-I learned how to become flustered and embarrassed as well as increasingly emotionally withdrawn and pressurized. NOT GOOD.
Now, I'm not all-in with Louise Hay's lovey-dovey mind-body connection that equates every physical illness with a mental or emotional cause, but it does make some sense to me and occasionally I utilize her techniques to feel better.
So what's the connection?
My angry issues + mind/body connection = very uncomfortable illness AKA I got a boil
More specifically, as my doctor so gracefully described it, "a carbuncle of the buttocks."
I feel launched into the Dark Ages talking about boils and carbuncles! Of course, it wasn't square in the middle of a cheek or anywhere easily accessible. This boil presented itself in that vague ass-genital-thigh area that is hard to define and hard NOT to agitate while walking. Thankfully it was about half-an-inch shy of my panty line but still easily agitated and not very easy to access for self care.
My doctor's appointment was Wednesday morning and conveniently enough the painful lump showed up that morning!
By the next day it was tripled in size and extremely tender-not to mention I had blown through the carton of lavender epsom salts I had bought after the appointment the day before. The rest of the week I was homebound, hobbling, and taking epsom salt baths three or four times a day.
Finally the boil started to drain late Friday night and today it has drastically reduced size although I believe I'm in for some more gooey drainage action.
OH. The anger connection? Yeah. Tuesday night, for what reason I can't exactly recall, I got in a spitting rage shortly after dinner. The hubster attempted to talk it out with me but I couldn't work things out.
All of a sudden I'd decided to throw out some trash, grab the keys and my ID 'n debit card and go to Fred Meyer's. $72 later I was home with flowers I'd bought for myself, chocolate milk on my breath, four bamboo plants, $10 worth of plant pebbles and rocks, frozen fruit, and beer and who knows what else, I don't recall. It was strange and I was still frustrated and angry.
From what I recall I felt unappreciated and lonely with my usual undercurrent of worthlessness and shame. My darling husband and I were able to talk out some anger last night though...
I struggled to express my frustration but eventually we came up with a good metaphor for how I feel about myself. I compared myself to a company. A company that was horribly despicable, had miserable affiliations and even though I was the CEO I had no drive to keep it in business! I felt like it was so morally bankrupt and shameful it should be tanked and purged from society. But I can't separate myself from this company. After all, this company is me.
No matter how much I despise it and find it hopelessly lost I can't be rid of it. All I want is a clean slate, a new beginning without the pain of my past-but as my husband lovingly put* "no one ever really gets a clean slate." We ended up talking about companies that worked under/with the Nazis and despite being affiliated with that horrendous past have become household names and widely accepted and lauded today.
So that's how I'm wrapping my head around my future. I hate myself but the show must go on. Somehow I have to find value in what I do, forgive myself the past, and allow myself to succeed.
I haven't given myself permission to live. I'm not sure how yet, but I feel like I'm getting somewhere-even if the Nazis are helping me out somehow.