Monday, May 26, 2014

Stupid Movies

Sometimes, movies help me stay outta the deep-deep. Putting on "Kiki's Delivery Service" or "Beauty Shop" or another cheer-me-up classic can get me through a rough time and prevent a slide further down, into the deep-deep.

But sometimes movies are a pain in the brain.

Sometimes, when I'm in a downward spiral, thinking about movies I've seen can make things worse. I'm not talking about the really dark stuff or even the mildly dark stuff (like "Country Strong" throwing me into a mood) I'm referring to the extraordinary "change your life in a day" stuff.

It can be enjoyable and uplifting to watch someone change their life and suddenly become a better person with a brighter outlook in less than 2 hours. But that ain't how life works. Real change is excruciatingly slow. So slow is this day-to-day change that very often we don't even comprehend the changes, so watching a quickie life reversal take place in a movie can make real life seem pretty crappy.

Sure, often these movies frame the change to take place over months or day but my brain takes in that information rather quickly and the artistic time warp is lost in the translation. Combine that mental process with the negativity of a depressed mind and you've got a Grade-A "You Suck and Here's Why" formula comparing me to a thousand movie stars that have transformed themselves for better in less time than a trip to the DMV.

All those movies make me want to uproot my life and run away. Part of me thinking that if I leave the country or move to a charming, magical town somewhere else that my life will suddenly begin improving by leaps and bounds like all those starlets on the big screen. But that isn't real life.

I've run away before, gone to Iceland for 2 weeks, and while it was magical and uplifting and I felt deliciously happy, life caught up with me and that credit card balance is still chasing me as well.

In moments like these, when I can't stand my life, I struggle to find escape. Mindless computer games, easy to read novels, Golden Girls on loop, even unwarranted baking projects as attempts to distract myself. None of these solve anything, but it's less harmful than self-harm or running up the credit cards running away from myself from continent to continent.

Still, part of me that believes in fairy tales keeps beckoning me to run away, leave behind as much as myself as possible and run away to a new life far away.

Just like in those stupid movies.

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Be well, HBF