Sunday, September 14, 2014

For Shame

This weekend has been hell for walks.

Saturday I got a late start after a rather fun Skype session with sister and my mom. They were in Cheney moving my sister into her new apartment for the school year. It was fun and some much needed socialization but it put off my schedule and a delayed walk means warmer weather and more chance of seeing other dogs and walkers. Cue the psychotic unsocialized dog rage Fio is famous for displaying.

By the end of my walk I had worked up a good sweat but I was also upset and frustrated. Embarrassed about my dog's behavior and my inability to whip him into shape. He's a wonderful walker when it's just the two of us, but if there are any witnesses it all goes to pot.

The rest of the day was difficult for me mood wise. Feeling very lonely and isolated. I got a bit paralyzed several times (staring into nothing, not able to communicate or make expressions) and eating was difficult. All I wanted to do was lay on the bed, in the dark, seeping. The hubby persisted in his caring efforts and eventually we got out of the house and shook me up a bit, but all in all it was a poor day.

Then this morning on my walk I happened upon a woman with 4 or 5 dogs (seriously, I have no idea what the story is there, they weren't even little guys they were lab mutts!) and then coming back into the complex one of neighbors (she's already on our "list") was standing around with her unsocialized dog. That got ugly fast.

Fio barking and snarling and that dog barking and lunging. This lady has her "baby" on one of those stupid, chintzy retractable leashes that the catch fails when the dog starts lunging like mad so in short order we had a large terrier mix charging us and the neighbor spouting "oh she won't do anything." Well Fio will! Your dog ever had stitches?! You wanna go there?

I didn't actually say that but I was bitter and upset. Worse than the embarrassment of my dog's poor behavior was my hypocritical bashing of my neighbor's pet ownership. I'm ashamed of myself, a little for Fio's horrible behavior problems but more so for my defensive delusions and internal monologues; building myself up by tearing others' down. It just makes me feel worse. I want to be "the bigger person" I want to be caring and considerate and understanding, I don't want to be angry and bitter!

*le sigh*

It's be a rough weekend. Hoping that roasting a big ole ham and having a nice dinner with the Seahawks game will makes things better.




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Be well, HBF