Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Family Are Still People

The last few days have involved quite a bit of anxious energy for me. I think it's the fallout from the holidays and all the extra socialization and travel. Since we've been back home I've been achy and sleepy and resting up a lot but my mind has been going a hundred miles a minute. Thinking over to-do lists for the next couple months before baby comes and even staring at holiday decorations that need packing away wondering how I'll manage it all. Feeling so drained makes any errand seem monumental!

Add to that emotional frenzy a proposed visit with my aunt/cousin that has caused so much anxiety in the past and I was downright loony yesterday! The poor hubster had quite a fury on his hands. Being in a vulnerable state already made me feel like my skin was crawling and made me distracted and irritable but the added stress triggered my guilt/shame reserves and low self-esteem so I started spouting off at the hubby right and left.

It was bad. I was like a mean comic that doesn't know when to stop, harping on him right and left, even shocking myself with the impressive barrage of teasing criticism. It was awful. He was hurt and confused and angry and I was off my rocker spiraling out of control but somehow we made it to a place where we could talk it out and I woke up today feeling much more stable.

Our talking it out involved a bedtime chat like usual and the hubster made a good point about family. Family isn't always something special or a free pass, family is just people.

With all the cliche, lovey dovey idealism around family units sometimes we lose track of the fact that we're all just humanoids mucking along the same territory. I get so wound up and guilted about "being there" and "being enough" and "doing the family thing" that I end up getting the spark sucked out of me instead of being nourished and supported by my family, and the hubbo pointed this out very well last night.

There comes a point where we can't just keep giving ourselves away and interacting in one-way relationships. There comes a point where it's okay to just be, just take care of ourselves and let the soul-sucking forces exist outside our bubble. It seems a bit cruel distancing from family that way, but the way it laid it out for me it made a lot of sense.

Unfortunately this seems to be a common theme in relationships for me. I've realized lately that my aunt and my cousin and even my best friend are pretty one-way; I give, they take. I'm tired of it. I sacrifice too much heart and energy to the worry and guilt. A few days ago I wrote a note to my bestie (we haven't texted much or really chatted since October I think) and I realized how many times before it's been me writing or texting or calling to reboot the relationship. And don't get me started on that last visit... Ugh.

With my aunt and cousin they don't initiate contact either. I also feel guilted, especially by my aunt less so by my cousin, for the state of the relationship and my lack of presence. For years I've felt so saddened by the entire thing and my aunt's poor health and negativity (not to mention the discomfort caused by her smoking) that visiting lost most if not all appeal.

Anyways. Today's visit with my mom, my cousin, his hubby and I went well. Sure, a little awkwardness and I sensed quite a bit of sadness with my cousin but I didn't feel guilted and I didn't come away totally drained. Although the visit to the mall with my mom was pretty exhausting for me! I think I underestimated the changes being 8 months pregnant brings, all that walking was quite the workout!

Me, my bump, and my bran flakes.
Favorite cereal, hands down.
Also, cute shirt Mom got me for Christmas. 

In other news, Fio's head wound is healing well though his butchered topknot makes him look like some Halloween character or brain transplant/implant experiment. Millie has been quite the busy miss patrolling the bathroom and butting in whenever the hubster or I are in there and bogarting my body pillow whenever possible. Iroh is doing well. Still has his rough days when his arthritic hips flare up but still hauls ass for any treats!

Taking it day by day and trying to give myself some leeway :)

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Be well, HBF