Friday, February 28, 2014

Still Standing

Last night was rough but I managed to be in bed by 1:00 AM and refrained from self-harm or suicidal plotting.

This morning I didn't want to move from bed, but managed to slowly pry myself from the warm covers shortly after 9:00 AM. Felt like a nutcase walking the dog in my pj pants, crazy hair suppressed by an chipped plastic headband, and a bubbly fleece of the hubster's zipped up to my chin.

I'm not sure if shame or pride is motivating me today (or if those factors are even exclusive) but I've managed to vacuum and tidy my way through the morning. Last night I finally received confirmation of disappointment from the hubby. Well, not in plain English but in two weighty words muttered last night... "Help me."

I have been in a holding pattern. Lots of chatter and no action. Cleaning the house? Eh, not happening. Leaving the apartment? Nope. I have been a zombie. Thankfully not a suicidal zombie, but a very lazy zombie nonetheless. The hubby has been ever-supportive, but last night I clawed some honesty from him and as I suspected, he's felt the burden.

It is completely reasonable. He's my husband not my parent and he has been living like a single parent. Working, cleaning, cooking while a dependent babbles in the background. I'm an adult. I need to earn my keep and hold my own. I'm not 100% but I'm not incapacitated, I'm not sick enough to "stay home from school."

It's time to "buck up, buttercup." I know I have it in me, yet my negative self-talk insists that I will never be good enough (my eternal internal fear). Sometimes I need to just leap in and starting doing instead of thinking, planning, or saying. All the planning in the world won't prepare anyone for everything. All the comparison in the world doesn't determine an identity. My life may not be what I hoped or planned, but as long as I'm trying I'm doing enough. I'm good enough. Faith and risk are life necessities, it's time to join the players on the field and unbench myself.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Reboot

If you've ever called tech support for a computer problem you've heard the inevitable, "Did you reboot?" I get this response from my husband the instant I allude to any techno-problem. Sometimes I have actually rebooted the computer to no avail and other times I've been lazy and completely walked away from the issue hoping that IT my husband would deal with it.

Lately I've been thinking that I need to perform a reboot for ME. Laying in bed past 10:00 AM this morning-AGAIN-I found myself thinking, "This has got to stop. It's time for a reboot." Then I wondered, "What does a reboot look like for me?"

I've learned from the hubster that there are soft reboots and hard reboots, and I can recognize both in my coping strategies. 

Occasionally I can get back on track with a soft reboot; simply checking in with myself and whisking away negativity with some positive affirmations or good ole logic. Not a big interruption in my day, these soft reboots take seconds or a few minutes and can be performed while doing other things.

When there is a more serious disruption in my emotional state a hard reboot is necessary. I'm talking bubble baths, reading helpful literature, withdrawing from negative input, "Golden Girls" marathon, or reaching out to others for reassurance or counseling. These reboots require time and can't be easily managed while doing other tasks. 

Without preventative reboots, my system will crash. A full on episode/breakdown/system crash often involves an involuntary, uncontrolled suspension of my day(s) often accompanied with tears, self-harming thoughts, and suicidal ideation. 

In one way these episodes can be helpful. Sort of like a hurricane forces residents to focus on the disaster at hand my episodes force me to confront my mental health. After a hangover period I often find myself refocused on the path to recovery (if I'm lucky). 

Of course, a total system crash is NOT preferable to a reboot and causes mental and physical system damage. There is always the risk that a major episode will result in major harm and every episode causes duress to myself and my husband or anyone else privy. 

Preventing those crashes is necessary to my well-being, maintaining my relationships, and managing my disease. I can't avoid them all and I experience guilt after episodes that complicates recovery, but reboots and managing my health day by day helps avoid those crashes.

So here I am plotting a reboot to avoid a crash, like so many times before! If I had a computer causing me this much grief I would huck it off the balcony, but seeing as this system is ME I can only recommit to nursing it along and planning upgrades. 

Bubble bath, here I come!

Monday, February 24, 2014

At Capacity

The thought that my mind is overcrowded has occurred to me quite a few times. I suppose thinking about such things just contributes to the clutter! Ha!

My last post reminded me of one such realization, not just that my mind was crowded with thoughts, but more specifically, Thought-People.

The Thought-People in my head are based on existing people in my life. Mental energy is funneled into worries, conjectures, and imagined feelings about the Thought-People that fleshes them out into their own entities. While Thought-People are copies of people in my real life they often go on to live a full life of their own in my mind.

If you've ever heard of worry dolls it's a similar concept except twisted into a dysfunction. Instead of depositing my worries upon a symbolic doll and having the doll bear the stresses for me, Thought-People hang around. Skulking about garnering more attention, gathering more worries, and instead of minimizing my stress, expanding it through extrapolation and poorly utilized imagination.

The end result is a head full of hitchhiking characters taking up head space and energy. Lately it feels like a crowd of pigeons perched under the eaves of a building, splotching the sidewalks with droppings and generally causing uneasiness for any passerby aware of their presence. Makes my daily mental commuting uncomfortable. And sticky.

Don't get me wrong, Thought-People can be useful. You may utilize these complex representations when wondering how people will react to what you say or do, like a relevant "pretend time" in you mind. But Thought-People become an issue when they overstay their welcome and begin to generate anxiety, obsessive thoughts, guilt, or other stress.

So I'm working on some crowd control. My mind is built for some powerful processing but a little too much space in my brain has been overtaken by Thought-People. Here's some of my eviction techniques:

VISUALIZATION-When I feel overwhelmed by Thought-People I like to take stock of my surroundings. Most of the time, I'm alone or it's me and the hubby, but with the Thought-People it sure feels more crowded! The next step is imagining the Thought-People in my mind and determine who is following me around and intruding on my life. Than I release them back to their parents (the real life people that they're based on) wherever they may be scattered across the world. Most often I find myself worrying about my family and I have to remind myself that they aren't actually present; I'm just wasting mental energy worrying when I could be enjoying myself. Reminding myself how far away they are from me physically helps me distance myself mentally when I'm dwelling and fretting.

MINDFULNESS-Sometimes I can rein in runaway thoughts with mindfulness which involves focusing on the here and now instead of letting my mind whirl worries over and over. Sometimes it helps to run my hands and arms under cold water or play with the pets to help ground me and get out of my own head.

DISTRACTION-Sometimes I just don't have the energy or focus to utilize the former techniques or I'm bored, so I opt for distraction. My favorite distractions are puzzles, baking, long drives to nowhere in particular, books, walks, and goofy TV shows like "The Golden Girls" or "Last Man Standing." Oh, and sex can be great too-just be careful you don't exclusively have distraction sex, that's a quick way to relationship dissatisfaction!

GRATITUDE-I'm not grateful for the extra stress Thought-People cause me but I am grateful for the intuition and imagination and pure brainpower that contributes to their existence. Sometimes the best way to calm a chaotic mind is thanking myself for the good work and reassuring myself that I'm safe and  that I don't need to be worrying about ---insert worry here---. A sort of "thank you, come again-but not too soon" dismissal. "Kill 'em with kindness" isn't a saying for nothing!

It's wonderful to share our lives with people but I don't like walking about feeling like a tour bus full of freeloaders! My mind is mine and just like my time I get to decide how to spend my resources, whether that be cherished neurons or minutes!

I guess this is what growing up is all about-budgets, boundaries, and blazing my own trail.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Girls' Morning Out, Guys' Night Out, Girl's Night In

This morning I met my mom at Northgate Mall for a little shopping and hanging out time. It was somewhat last minute and impromptu but we had a good time. It had been quite a while since we had a mom and daughter visit just the two of us. I think that rather traumatic visit so many months ago when I was feeling depressed and she was trying to fix me set a bad example and caused some aversion, but I feel that receding now.

We went to Saffron for lunch and enjoyed many cups of hot chai. Mom tried tzatziki sauce for the first time and liked it. I enjoyed some chicken tandoori although a few bits of cilantro caught both of us by surprise and caused some grimaces. Some delightfully warm baklava was enjoyed as well :)

The original plan for this afternoon had involved the hubster bussing down to Northgate once my mom headed home from our visit and then my hubby and I would continue south to visit his best friend for dinner. The husband opted to avoid the convoluted bus system and have me drive back north to pick him up, but soon after I arrived home I managed to suss the truth from him that he and his buddy would like a guys' night. Having had my socializing needs fulfilled I reassured him that a guys' night out was a good idea and he hurried out the door to drive south.

So now I am home for my girl's night in! Doing laundry and letting Netflix drone on in the background while I toddle around the internet. While I feel a sting of shame for being "lazy" I'm also relishing the Saturday night home alone while the hubby is out. It's been a while since we've done something solo, separate, individual, and I'm glad that he is getting out and hanging out with his best friend, enjoying some guys' only time.

In other news, I've been experiencing a little "curiosity killed the cat" remorse after Googling some people from my past. Little did I know they weren't living hours away as I had assumed, but likely traipsing through my everyday stomping grounds! A little troubling to me as I somewhat dread any reunion them and find myself embarrassed contemplating the possibility that they have seen me without my seeing them, and undoubtedly I would have been horribly dressed and looking my worst (which has been true a lot lately). Subsequently I beat myself up for being a "loser."

My mind falls easily into this negative cycle and I beat myself up for not dressing better or being concerned with my appearance in public or working harder to shed my excess weight, but I've been able to catch myself and rein in the negativity. It doesn't really matter what other people think, especially people that have been hurtful to me in the past, and if people judge me for running to the store with my bedhead hidden under a cap or shuffling around in sweatpants and Crocs, they probably aren't people I need in my life.

Not to mention whatever judgement they pass is theirs. What they think ain't my problem! So often I waste precious energy and damage my self-esteem imagining what other people think of me, when most likely they aren't thinking of me at all. I'm a worrier, I have extremely low self-esteem and part of my mental state right now is worrying about things I would otherwise not think of! I have seen brighter days where my confidence has bloomed and these anxious thoughts have faded away and I know that I can get there again. I can live my life more fully and mindfully without investing so much time in negative trains of thought. I've done it before, I can do it again!

As my hubby says, "Eventually you will forget them, it just takes time, never completely of course, but they won't come up so often! Sometimes what you try to forget hangs on the hardest, so you have stop trying so hard. Just relax. Give it some time!"

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Dee Valentines and Birfday Loveliness

Have I ever mentioned how awesome my husband is at picking flowers?

Now, I wouldn't say that I hate roses, but they seem very generic to me and I told the hubster early on that what I really like are tulips. And wouldn't ya know it, he had the flower shop lady hunt him down some tulips!

Lilies are another flower I enjoy (despite the danger to my beloved cats, thankfully they don't gnaw on them *knock on wood*) and I also like baby's breath and fern, I know they're just "filler" but I like them. And whatever those spiky purple things are, well those are cool too! The hubster always tries to find something "different" to add in to the mix and this year he succeeded at putting together another lovely bouquet!

So that was my birthday bouquet. And of course, right after my birthday comes Valentine's Day. Interesting turn of events this year-I got the hubby flowers instead of him getting me flowers!

His bouquet was originally going to be daisies since our Valentine's Day movie was "You've Got Mail," but the market didn't have them, only some little field type of daisies. So I used the field daisy things a random green blobby thing, some purple heathery looking stuff, and for the main dish a pair of yellow chrysanthemum.

The hubby is a bit more romantic about roses than I am, but I'm very picky and didn't see any that I liked. For whatever reason, yellow seemed right and I knew that he liked mums-so there ya go.

In other Valentine's news I used some small metallic confetti in the hubby's card and he got it all over! Mwahahaha The funnier part is that I had already used some in a random card I sent to his office as a "just cuz" surprise and he fell for it again! Just dumps it out all over himself hahaha


And now, a week has passed and most of my bouquet has wilted so a few of my flowers have jumped ship and united with his bouquet, clinging onto color for a few more days....

My birthday this year was certainly different. I don't usually feel older but this year I did a little. Maybe it was the leap from survey bracket 18-24 all the way to 25-34! My delirious sleep deprived state from a birth the night before may have contributed as well.

This year I changed my F'book profile so that it doesn't display my birthday and I avoided the barrage of forced F'book "Happy Birthdays" and instead enjoyed the few texts and phone calls from family and close friends. I also relished each and every birthday card.

Thankfully the two births I had for February neither conflicted with each other, the Super Bowl, Valentine's Day, or my birthday party that following Saturday! It was a full month, but I enjoyed every event, challenging births included.

It's just a number, but 25 felt special. Part of that was my family coming up for the day (even my sister coming home from Cheney!) and part of it was feeling like I deserved a little birthday celebration for the first time in a long time, and being up to enjoying it! It's still horribly difficult for me to take a compliment or accept attention, but this year I seemed to feel the love a bit more, appreciate the simple family traditions we have and be grateful for having another year.

And I got to have lasagna. And garlic bread. And then, leftover lasagna! The only thing better than lasagna is leftover lasagna! MmmMmmMmm :)

"I Should Be Lobotomized"

It's a horrible, horrible thing to say. I know. But I said it. Last night was a bad night, and I didn't want to feel anymore. I didn't want to be me anymore. It was a stupid thing to say and an unrealistic thing to say which is probably why I said it. I couldn't say, "I should be back on pills," because the hubster could've taken my word for it and started that ball rolling again!

I felt horrible last night, but it makes me feel ashamed saying something like "I should be lobotomized" when such a procedure ruined the lives of many other people. Sure, I have my problems but there are a lot of people out there that have bigger problems.

Not to say any of us and our problems matter any less than someone else's, but it's important to realize that we're not alone. Sure, there are people that have it worse than me, but there are also people that have it better than me and compassion is a chain woven through us all. Compassion from others, compassion for ourselves, compassion for others.

I often neglect the first two forms of compassion. I assume people think the worst of me and don't care about me and I often don't behave kindly toward myself. After a while those negative thoughts sort of numb me out. As much as I try to care for others, I just can't. The landscape of life becomes very barren and loses meaning.

ANYWAYS.

Why was last night so horrible?

Last night started heading downhill when the hubby cued up a documentary about K2. As amazing as stories about climbing that mountain are, they mostly just depress me. I hear "K2" anything and feel my hackles rise, preparing for the inevitable downer and ensuing depressive state. Sherpas risking their lives just to support their families any way they can, adrenaline junkies putting their lives on the line and leaving their families behind, and people dropping like flies in a seemingly serene, fantastically beautiful scene all leading me to the questions, "What is life worth?!"

It's all about perspective. I can understand the sentiment that we have one life to live and you should live it to the fullest. Die climbing a massive dangerous peak, having your life snuffed out before you can exhale your last breath? Life well-lived (to some). But I find myself drawn to a more serene place, a life lived with family and children, a quiet death leaving behind recipes, stories, and memories with loved ones. Both are very different, but both have meaning.

But through the eyes of depression neither of those philosophies hold water. A dark extrapolation leads my mind to the conclusion that life has no meaning, no matter what you do throughout your life nothing really matters. I begin to feel trapped. Stuck in a living form forced to contemplate questions with no answer and wallow in the turmoil of failure for the rest of my pointless existence.

This is what happens when I am triggered. And this is why we've put "K2" on a list of "Banned Input For Hannah." Yes. I've banned an entire mountain.

Readers already know that financial matters are another trigger for me as is failure in almost any degree as my mind likens it to being unlovable and worthless. The hubster and I are also working on media input in light of recent bouts of... hmm, not quite paranoia but living dreams where my body has an anxiety reaction and I imagine acts of violence occurring in my day-to-day life. It's troublesome and disturbing, let me tell you!

A couple weeks ago I began breathing deeply while the hubby and I were driving around doing errands and when he asked what was wrong I had to explain that I had imagined snipers were on top of buildings and bullets were tearing into our car, shattering windows, and ripping us apart. I know I have a vivid imagination, but this little scene took things a step further and caused me distress, much like a nightmare instead of just a bad dream. These episodes take many shapes but generally peak with violent media input and cause me a general sense of unease, anxiety, and feeling unsafe.

So we are working on these things. Last night was bad, but today will get better and we'll keep pushing forward!

And the hubster promised me he won't go climb K2 and die.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Snow Day-February 8th

 Funnily enough I didn't notice the snow falling until my mom texted something about snow, then lo and behold! I look out the slider window and see flakes falling fast. Mind you, she lives about 2 hours south in a weird Bermuda triangle of weather activity-they'll get snow when no one else does, lose electricity when no one else does, or just the opposite! So if they have snow, I don't get my hopes up that I'll get snow, but this little snowstorm made it up to our neck of the woods.

Walks in the snow can be a bit uncomfortable, soggy pant hems, biting flakes hitting you in the face, and the constant anxiety that idiot drivers will mow you and your loved ones down at any moment. That said, I always get excited to talk a "snow walk" when we are blessed with a few inches of the stuff!

We tried to shield Fio from a coatful of icy moisture with his little yellow slicker but his nose accumulated a layer of snowflakes and his legs became matted with balls of ice. I think he enjoyed nibbling the snowballs off later though!





The lake had begun to freeze and gather snow but watery patches made it look like a "Dalmatian Lake." The next morning I snagged pictures of Millie watching the snow and our wedding prayer flags and the snow. So peaceful. You'd never know she hates the stuff! Or maybe the angle or hers suggests her disdain...






Friday, February 14, 2014

Birth, Birthday, and Valentines

I'm still reeling, sleep deprived, stressed and behind on chores but I guess I have an excuse!

A birth all night Wednesday really challenged me and put me through the ringer so that Thursday I was pretty out of it all day. The hubby took me out for a really fancy birthday dinner (I had "the duck" and he had "the salmon" and we both had some kick ass pinot noir). Today was still rough but somehow I was able to shower by 10:00 am and get some errands done, including making two lasagnas. As for the house chores.... Eh, gonna have to work on that later.

Tomorrow we're hosting my parents for my "birthday party" since I'm still on call for another birth. My sister came home from EWU so she'll get to come up too! Should be a fun afternoon. Any day with lasagna in it usually ranks high in my book, not to mention a Raspberry Bomb Torte from Central Market. HELLO, delicious.

As for today, Valentine's Day, the husband and I made it a point to actually have plans. We're having homemade lasagna (yes, I am having lasagna two days in a row) and "You've Got Mail" for our Valentine's Day celebration. No need for boxed chocolates, we cheated and ate some weeks ago, and no roses allowed either. The hubby did get me tulips, lilies, and crazy random accent flowers though, he's a custom bouquet master. I actually got my act together and remembered to get him flowers, chrysanthemum, field daises, and crazy accent flowers :)

Since my birthday is on the 13th we usually don't do much for Valentine's Day. We enjoy our time together without date nights or Valentine's Day celebrations, so it's usually not a big deal for us. No need to "make up" for a year of listless companionship! (Hoping that doesn't change over the years, but I don't suppose those in that boat ever intended to be there themselves...) But this year we wanted to do something festive, heck, maybe we'll start some sort of tradition one of these years.

Still have our Seahawks decor up, heck, maybe that could be a tradition if they keep going to the Super Bowl? Woot woot!

In other news, the flea situation is lessened but still ongoing. Another round of prescription treatment next week and hopefully we'll have it under control.

Wanted to talk about my gagging in a fancy fufu restaurant and letter writing but I'm still too loopy (as evidenced by this post). I should have my head back on straight within a couple of days and I'll try again!

Sunday, February 9, 2014

5 Questions

Browsing Twitter the other day I happened upon this link and a blog post about self-reflection and discovery, "5 Questions to Discover Who You Are and What Will Make You Happy." Of course I was interested in mulling over the questions listed and decided to post my little soul searching exercise here :)

If I knew I couldn't fail, I would want to be an author. I would want to be an illustrator, a writer, a comic artist. I would want to work in a bright room surrounded by paper and little ink stains, with a big window, a desk, and my coffee cup. A houseplant I would talk to and pamper. I would want to create, imagine, and fantasize all day. Capturing glimmers of magic with a pencil like moments with a camera.

If I had 90 seconds to explain who I am so that someone really understands me, I would say this: I can be gruff and coarse and crude but I'm really sensitive and caring. I'm creative and goofy. I enjoy art and puzzles and books and coffee and birds. I'm a soft-hearted person, naive and gullible at times but deeply emotional, intuitive, and kind as well. I have values and personal beliefs that I hold dear but often find myself overturning convictions or assumptions when presented new information. I like to win arguments but feeling understood trumps victory. If I have to be wrong or lose I at least want to learn something. I'm open-minded but still judgmental at times. As mental and logical as I can be, my feelings and "gut" play a huge role in my life.  I have a perfectionism delusion but am learning to accept my flaws, improve my compassion, and practice forgiveness.

My core personal values include: compassion, creativity, family, humility, humor/fun, openness, harmony, and wisdom. I struggle a bit with balancing my values with the societal pressure I feel to partake in the career/money oriented rat race and developing a sense of self-worth when many of my core interests are intangible. It's not an easy road, but I am navigating it :)

What makes me genuinely happy? Simple pleasures like sunshine through leaves, clear mountain streams, and sassy pocket-sized birds taking on the big, bad world. Surprising someone with kindness and seeing their face light up with just a tinge of sadness as they realize what they've been missing. Feeling deeply and trusting in the greater good and rising above fear. Gratitude makes me happy.

If money were no object I would live differently by getting a cleaning lady and living somewhere with bird feeders, more trees, less city, and fireplaces. I would travel more, host more dinners, and send more letters. Spend more time in nature, cook better food, and pour better drink.

Answers subject to change without notice!

In other news, we have snow here and I am anxiously awaiting new "Seattle Pinball" videos of drivers sliding around like ducklings on an icy pond! The hubster, Fio, and I went out for a snowy walk last night and enjoyed ourselves, playing a game of "Idiot, Smart, or Killer" labeling the drivers creeping or zooming by.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Moody With New Meaning

Yesterday was a moody day for me. Unfortunately that meant the husband caught some flak.

I was extremely impatient with a short fuse, lashing out for no reason and becoming overwhelmed and blinded by anger over stupid things like the hubby not hearing me when I spoke.

It's frustrating and embarrassing not having a grip on my emotions during those times. It's hard to find and hold onto perspective when I'm swept away, rational thought is extremely difficult if not impossible. Often I find myself yelling at my husband as he takes a logical approach to talking me down, "SHUT UP! Just shut up! I hate it when you talk like that when I'm like this, how many times do I have to tell you it doesn't make sense? I'm not rational you can't rationalize with me!"

Last night the hubster seemed discouraged and deflated by my behavior, one of few occasions when I've seen him so openly affected by my issues. Don't get me wrong, he is generally a communicative and expressive man but when I'm sick he usually remains stoic.

At the time, when I'm not in my right mind, it seems to be the right thing to do. When I'm down or irrational or angry seeing his honest reaction can make me feel worse about myself, even more angry with myself. Shielding me from that seems like a Prince Charming move. But today, I wonder if it's enabling my poor behavior.

The handful of times I remember seeing my husband honestly react to my mental illness episodes have stuck with me. The fear and exhaustion, the pain and disappointment, even loneliness he showed bring tears to my eyes. His face when I was suicidal and had put my engagement ring on his pinkie, telling him that he should wear it like that after I was gone will never leave my memory.

Last night he laid sideways on the couch, clutching pillows under his head, huddled under a heavy silence instead of a blanket. I was at the other end of the couch sitting in an angry stew when I perceived his pain. The silence wasn't comfortable between us like usual, it was thick and scary and strange.

Mumbling a "sorry" felt like pulling a fish hook and line from my throat, but I gagged it out. The gnarled mess wasn't recuperative, tinged with anger and self-disgust it lacked soothing empathy. Instead of addressing his distress it seemed to call attention to mine. He drew back into his shell and told me "it's okay."

The rest of the night, attention was directed at my problems. The hubby and I were able to dissect some of my feelings and eventually I was soothed enough to sleep.

This morning I felt bad about myself but something different as well. I usually feel down on myself after an episode and I do feel bad today but I also feel a certain motivation. Seeing my husband's pain reminded me that my episodes aren't just about me and it's humbling. Humbling and motivating.

Instead of being slathered in shame and guilt for my bad behavior and angry at myself and my illness, sharing the struggle and pain with my husband instead of simply depending on him as stoic support seems to have reframed this episode. It gets me out of my head, shifts the focus from "I'm such a mess" to "we need to do better."

It's easier for me to help someone else than just help myself. Right now I lack the self-worth to consider myself worth any effort when I'm feeling down. Maybe reframing my illness as a challenge shared with husband and not just my own ugly dysfunction will help me be more proactive until I can create my own reserve of self-worth.

It seems like such an obvious way to consider my illness, shared within my marriage, but I have looked upon my sickness as my problem. I've seen myself as a weak link at the end of a chain, easily lopped off and tossed away once I became too big a problem. In reality my husband and I are in this for the long haul. I'm not one shabby link at the end of a chain, I'm a link right in the middle that needs repair.

Too often I feel all alone. Too often I overlook my husband's role in my life and my recovery. We're in this together and I'm ready to start holding up my end of the bargain.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Dem Birds Are Vicious!

January is through and February is here, to be gone before we know it I'm sure!

Sunday was fun and festive with a dash of shock to boot when the Hawks won the Super Bowl with such dominance. The hubby and I celebrated with my parents and a little party.


I had fun making a banner with my Cricut and the hubby insisted on balloons and curling ribbons.

We had pulled pork sandwiches, coleslaw, carrots and hummus, deviled eggs, sweet and spicy roasted nuts, chips, beer, and chocolate coated shortbread football cookies. And a little roscato wine to boot.

The hubster and I were concerned about the pork getting done in time for lunch so we got out of bed at 11:30 pm on Saturday and started the pork in the crock pot around midnight. Felt like mischievous Super Bowl elves.

Tried a different recipe for the pork than before and really enjoyed it. Perfect football fare.

Our first football season as "fans" and we didn't miss a game! We're by no means knowledgeable but more educated about the sport now, enough to be able to watch and enjoy which is what counts in our book. I know what a first down is now!

Next season we'll get to do it all over again and we'll enjoy the temporary hobby with or without another Super Bowl :) If nothing else it gave us a regular excuse for "date night" when we'd otherwise stay cooped up.

As for the Super Bowl commercials... I wasn't too impressed. There were some chuckle-worthy ones but overall I remember being left with a bad taste in my mouth about cars, violence, and sex. Overexposure I suppose.

In other news, the hubby and I had a good talk about me and guilt and boundaries. Working on living my life instead of worrying through it... More on that quest soon!