Friday, January 16, 2015

What a Wednesday

Wednesday was the first "bad day" I've had in a long time, and yes by "bad day" I mean depressive/episodic.

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately (shocker) so I've been sleeping in til about 9:30 am pretty regularly but Wednesday I didn't get out of bed until 11:00 am. There may have been a bowl of cereal in there somewhere to tide me over, but the point is I was dragging like I haven't dragged in a long time.

Of course, just lying in bed for longer wasn't the real bad part, it was the scary thoughts that made it an episode. I felt so isolated and sad and hopeless. There wasn't true suicidal ideation, no plans or such, but I did visualize myself dead and alone in the apartment. It was scary. I think the worst part of it all was the fear that the thoughts would get worse, that I would descend into further darkness or that this mood was just the beginning of a postpartum issue or larger depressive episode.

Thankfully I was able to talk to the hubster about it that day and I think we did a good job refocusing on getting through the day and not buying into the fear. He also made a good point that it's a really great thing that I've made it so long without really bad days and that I noticed this. Me being so hard on myself, "but I was doing so well for so long" etc., isn't the best but acknowledging that I've been doing better is a good step.

In addition to the scary thoughts I totally lost my appetite. It was really hard to eat enough Wednesday and I found myself feeling faint and sick. The hubbo reassured me baby would be fine, one or two days of not eating enough isn't going to ruin anything, but I felt guilty. Like I said, I'd been doing so well for so long having a rough day seemed like an immense failure.

Thursday things were still a little sticky but I definitely took a different approach to the day and got myself moving. I made it to the grocery store and got pulled pork going in the CrockPot, even did some cleaning. Still had problems with no appetite but ate better overall.

Today I still feel like I'm recovering a bit but definitely on an upswing. It's tough balancing pregnancy exhaustion with needing to keep busy to ward off the depressive slide, all while trying to avoid punitive over-activity like cleaning to the point of delirium (one of my long standing, sneaky self-harming habits).

So, it's been a bit of a roller coaster week but I think I'm making it through and I'm glad for that.

In other news, Iroh seems to have some signs of worms clinging to his ass fur again. *JOY* I've been trying to pay attention to his activity and get a stool sample for the vet but haven't caught him in the act yet. So not excited for "Worms Part Deux." The other animals seem fine, I'm just a little sick of pet maintenance at the moment!

I've been trying to slowly clean the house as part of baby preparations but it seems like I barely make any progress. Just trying to keep up with laundry and vacuuming and the kitchen on a day-to-day basis and the "oh gawd I can't stand for another second, I gotta lay down" tiredness or aches makes special projects seem like pie in the sky goals. My mom said she'd come up and help me clean after the shower so I'm banking on that.

2 comments:

  1. Remember that even people without depression have really bad days. I think you are doing wonderfully. Take it easy and rest. Your body knows best. I am glad your mom is coming to help. I do not know what I would have done without my mom and dad when I had my kids. Is this the first grandchild?

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  2. Thanks :) I will take it easy. A good reminder to be grateful and bask in the positive! Yes, it's first grandchild for my parents, fourth on my hubby's side but first within driving distance for them so lots of excitement!

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Be well, HBF