Been a bad morning.
The hubster is working part time from home this week so I've been flying solo as much as I can through the night but the last two nights that seems to mean only about 3-4 hours sleep. Most frustrating is that it's not even Baby's fault, I just lie there unable to slow my brain down and get to sleep.
The lack of sleep this morning with the pain of engorgement (yes, it's ongoing and driving me batty) had me so beat down that I couldn't feed myself a decent brekkie. I had a little bowl of cereal about 6:00 AM, went back to sleep for an hour or so, pumped off some boulder boob milk after a feeding about 8:00 AM then couldn't bring myself to eat. I went back to bed and laid there, staring at the wall of drawers until the next feeding.
There have been some tears but most troubling is the slapping. I had some self-harming thoughts, even envisioned a nest of towels in the kitchen and a big knife to my wrist, but even though I tried to get myself to "snap out of it" I ended up trying to slap-snap myself out of it; slapping myself across the cheek repeatedly trying to jump start some feeling or motivation.
Just lifting my arms was a challenge-and in fact it proved too much shortly thereafter when the hubbo caught on that I was utterly dysfunctional and force fed me a bowl of fruit after I couldn't bring myself to move. No eye contact, hardly any words, and I can feel my face lying slack and still.
Adding to the frustration was the complete feeling of isolation. The hubster was trying to give me a chance to sleep but taking the baby into the living area and turning off the light and shutting the door just made me feel like I didn't exist. Just a feeding station left alone in a backroom gathering dust between uses.
I thought about calling in my mom for help but the thought of her trying to "boot camp" me back to good was too much. I can imagine telling her that it only hurts the situation, makes me feel worse about myself, but then what? How do you tell your mother how to take care of you? It makes me so sad.
My next thought was of texting my dad and telling him I wasn't doing very well, but I couldn't imagine that helping much either. Just made me cry. And I realized how few resources I have. If the hubster didn't swoop in and save me I would be completely alone. Which only reminds me that soon enough I will be fending for myself when he goes back to work.
So, the hubster just got back with some lunch (shocker, more cold cuts, it's the only food that sounds good to me nowadays) and we're just taking things a bit at a time, trying to cover the basics-food, sleep, water-and hoping that things even out soon. Have a checkup with the midwives later this afternoon, hoping I'll have a better update to post then.
Baby seems to be doing well except for a blocked tear duct causing some discharge. Now just gotta make sure I eat enough to keep him fed.