Shocker, I bottomed out tonight.
Lots of tears and snot, anger and sadness.
Resolution seems to have hinged on speaking up about my feelings toward my mom.
After various stages of breakdown the hubbo got me talking (well, sob-talking) and it came pouring out: They say in labor and postpartum you need to "mother the mother" and what do I have for a mother? She made me feel bad for taking it slow and told me to go for walks that made me bleed and ache and she doesn't ask how I am she just asks for baby pics or talks about her issues or other people and then she comes up on a social call. What did I do to be treated this way? How did I become so worthless?
I usually don't have outpouring like that. I'm usually observing or analyzing not just feeling and expressing... Instead if feeling I just observe and talk about feeling, which I'm realizing is just a convoluted way of invalidating myself.
Maybe I'm so afraid of being abandoned if expressing myself offends someone or I lack enough esteem to believe my feelings are valid or I just see how illogical I am being an emotional human and am too embarrassed of my humanity? Whatever the reason, it's tough on me-and difficult to try and change.
I'm pretty embarrassed to share my spew, it seems so incoherent and stupid, but I think that's just part of feelings... All the context and perspective and logic is a different level, a level I've been clinging to in order to avoid the tumult unpredictable feelings provide. Years and years I've been hiding out on a sort of mental observation deck, stuffing my feelings before they surface in order to censor myself, avoid conflict, and feel "safe."
I don't think it's working for me anymore.