Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Violated Expectations

This past weekend I texted a bit with my mom and she mentioned coming up this week for a visit with my sister. I even stuck my neck out a bit and let on that I'd been having some hard days and mentioned how frustrating it is for me not being able to tidy my home-a little passive aggressive plea for help I'll admit but it was there, I didn't save face and act like I was totally skating.

Maybe my sneaky "come help me" comments were just too smooth because yesterday she texted that "we'll be up tomorrow around noon" and failed to mention that the "we" was more than just her and my sister.... Texting with my sister about being excited to see her I soon discovered that her boyfriend was coming. A stranger to me the hubbo. A stranger, invited to our home with our new baby during our postpartum craziness without our consent.

W T F ?

The hubster was pissed. I was upset but as usual it took a while for my true feelings to coalesce after an initial stage of closet stuffing denial. After some more texting with my mother and actually stating my frustrations we had to get to my dentist appointment. I was going to put off the texting conversation but then she called.

I was already borderline teary so hubbo fielded the call. He navigated the minefield while stating some of our concerns, though mainly just getting through it as we had decided to approach the whole conflict from a "be the bigger person" stance.

In the end we agreed to the visit while letting her know we didn't appreciate not being asked if my sister's boyfriend could come. Stating our displeasure felt like a minor victory but overall the episode just let me feeling really emotional, disappointed, and downright sad. I had been counting on the girl time to abate my loneliness.

I've felt lonely before but the loneliness I feel now seems so much more pressing and specific. Going out for a coffee and simply being around other people isn't going to cut it anymore, I need empathy, understanding, community, commiseration. I'm missing the support I need and just when I had dared hope for some of that extra help from my mom and sister it seems to have blown up in my face.

That afternoon the sadness felt like a volleyball under my heart; bigger than a "lump in my throat" with a swelling sensation that made me feel like I needed to barf and sob all at once. The hubby and I took it extra easy that afternoon and despite being tired himself somehow he was able to be extra caring and careful with me, which helped a lot considering my fragile mood.

Today was the big visit and I was up at 6:00 AM unable to sleep. By the time everyone showed up I was already tired, sporting a lovely mismatched outfit of sweatpants, nursing bra, baggy cami, and clashing button down sweater. Pretty much a postpartum poster mom!

I had asked my mom to pick up pizza for lunch since there was no way we'd be cooking for everyone but when they came in there was no food. The hubster had preheated the oven and we were both waiting for food, so it was disappointing and frustrating engaging in small talk for nearly an hour while hungry and tired! Turns out there was a good reason for the extra-awkward initiation to the meeting...

My sister had some big news to tell me and I think they rushed here with that in mind instead of stopping by the pizza place on the way. Whatever the reason being hungry and loopy for a little extra time paled in comparison to the news. 

Apparently I was the last one in the family to find out, they'd all been keeping it all under wraps for the past week or so because they weren't sure how I'd take the news. I thought she meant because I'm postpartum, but apparently she was concerned that I would think she was stealing my thunder! Uh no. Really my reaction was purely concern for her, the excitement only coming hours later after a nap when the shock wore off.

Yes, I realize I haven't actually stated what the news was but it's not public yet so I won't. Not that I expect anyone in my real life social sphere to read my blog but still. I gots principles and I try to stick by them ;)

So, it's been a confusing day and a half! Ups and downs, lots of emotions... The visit today was exhausting as expected but my mom made us an extra meal and put it in the fridge for later which is awesome and dishes got done and I did appreciate meeting my sister's fiance (he has upgraded status since yesterday, more news I hadn't heard just yet!) and I'm glad to be in the loop.

The hubby and I are more understanding of the offenses now, but I wanted to air out the feelings to practice validating myself :)

Life. What a ride!

4 comments:

  1. Methinks there is a cousin on the way for baby?

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  2. Hopefully the grandparents can find a two-for-one deal on "Baby's 1st Christmas" onesies!

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  3. My nana (I never met my grandfather) had 4 grandchildren in 13 months and she was over the moon in love with all of us! We all thought we were her favourite. And we were. And I can't tell you the fun of having a gaggle of cousins to play with.

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  4. I am excited for Baby to have a cousin so close in age but I'm also really concerned for my sister and how she's going to fare. With her health issues and the way she struggles with school already (not grades just coping with stress) I worry about adding a baby to the picture... The hubster has tried reminding me that it's not mine to stress so much over, but it's hard to let it go. I can only do what I can do...

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF