Tuesday, April 7, 2015

A Change in Tulips

This year I went with a different tulip selection than ever before and I think it has to do with new motherhood and feeling more feminine than ever before. Other than pink "fru fru"tulips I've also been doing my hair differently and wearing jewelry more often when I leave the house-just being more "girly" than usual overall, even bought new clothes and felt good about my appearance! I didn't really expect motherhood to affect me this way, I wonder if it has anything to do with the hubster being more affectionate or if it's the other way around? Chicken and egg!

These are the tulips I got this year, I believe they're called Angelique and Alibi varieties. What I usually go for are Negrita and something like Oriental Splendor.


Tired today. This morning I dealt with some anger flares by not dealing with them. I decided just to feel the feelings and let them through instead of stopping myself from feeling and analyzing everything before it surfaced. It was different, a little difficult, but good.

Angry about what? Well, I narrowed it down to two things I could think of-one being family related and one being hubbo related. 

The first was a delayed but frank response to my sister's news. I think this was triggered by a comment from my therapist. We were discussing things and I mentioned that immediately postpartum I was compelled to talk to my sister about not feeling pressure to have kids soon just because the hubster and I started our family, that our children would be close regardless of how close they are in age etc. We even chatted about how my sister got pregnant and then my therapist said something like, "Maybe your instinct was right on, wanting to talk to her about waiting and then BAM she's pregnant before you get the chance. Almost sounds like she did it on purpose." Ker-thunk! What a statement! 

I guess it's a sign of a good therapist to have a comment niggle you, it certainly sussed out some feelings I didn't know that I had-I'm not sure exactly what has me angry though. The idea that she did it on purpose? Don't think so. Her "stealing my thunder?" Maybe, but I don't think there was any thunder to steal. I was old news once the baby came.The only thunder to steal was Baby's. That could be it. Momma Bear mode kicking in? Not sure. 

In other sister related news I've decided that I don't want to bite my tongue if I have doubts crop up about her fiance. Knowing so little about him and their relationship wouldn't bother me so much usually, but add in a baby and a rush to the altar (they were already taking marriage before the oops, but rushed in my book either way) and I'm definitely concerned. If things don't work out I don't want to be one of those people that didn't say something only to say when the relationship implodes "I never liked that guy." That happened to me with my college boyfriend and I hated hearing it. Not that I've decided I don't like this guy, I'm just saying!

Ugh. Such a clusterduck. So many sticky feelings-anger, sadness, grief, anxiety and concern... It's a mess. Just is.

Oh, the hubster anger? He kept me up for the second night in a row when I was uber tired for *ahem* intimacy. We ain't "going all the way" just yet, but for whatever reason we've been very flirtatious and romantic since Baby arrived. I enjoyed myself, sure, but being as tired as I was made me pretty angry this morning. I told him he has to back off tonight and let me sleep!



2 comments:

  1. It may feel like she was stealing your thunder for a while but those feelings won't last long. You both will have a lifetime of your kids growing up together. It will be so much fun!

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  2. I hope so Birdie :) I think time will soften things and everything will work out in the long run, just been mucking through some stuff in the short run!

    I think I care more about the out-of-wedlock, babies having babies thing much more than I thought. Did I mentioned anywhere that he is 19 going on 20 and she's 21 going on 22? Almost feels like an episode of "Teen Mom!"

    Been stressing about it and wondering about all the "what ifs," but that's not my job. I can care, I can be concerned, but I gotta let it go, it's not my job. It's not my job! My baby is my job! Guess "NOT MINE!" can be a new mantra for me! :) Seems to easier to be excited about a new baby when I maintain that distance and those boundaries!

    Thanks for reading and commenting :)

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF