Yesterday we went to Mt. Vernon to see the tulip fields and I think the extra walking affected me today. Despite the muscle issues in my pubic zone and some back issues I managed to hang in there while the hubbo was at work without losing it, even fed myself and got my supplements down. The small victories continued with a foray into cloth diapering-Baby and I like it! I was a little skeptical but I think it'll work out and save us some moolah in the long run.
In other news, I texted/talked with my mom and sister yesterday and for the first time I felt a guilt-free "I don't need this right now" impulse. I set a boundary (mentally) that I wouldn't become too involved or attached to the conversations and while I didn't get away clean (I still had some mulling thoughts later) I did much better than usual.
Kinda like this weekend when we went south for visit, the hubbo and I experimented with some boundary setting and it paid off-the emotional fallout from the excursion was next to nothing! I think there's something to this! It's so validating respecting my limits, realizing that I've got enough on my plate right now and I don't need to be giving myself away for nothing in return.
It's quite a challenge for me to set boundaries and distance myself instead of taking everything personally and delving far too deep into things, but the rewards sure are motivating... It goes right along with my validation/esteem issues and seems like a good place to focus some energy.
Oh, I guess I forgot to mention the whole reason I'm focusing on boundaries and self-validating, I'm seeing my therapist again. We're starting out weekly for a month to see how I'm doing. I went in a couple weeks ago to check in after those really rocky days like my midwife recommended and then we followed up this week and after some discussion I decided it would be best to have someone to talk to at least for a while.
It makes me sad to realize just how little support I have and how few people I have to talk to and it feels like some sort of 80s comedy paying someone to "be my friend" but it also feels good to do something to help the situation. Our goals for therapy right now are focusing on techniques to improve my immediate circumstances not necessarily digging up past issues and exploring rabbit holes-we don't want to risk any downward spirals!
Anyways. Nothing new really just a new resolve to change my status quo; my mom can't offer the emotional support that I need and I need to stop throwing myself under the bus hoping for validation that she can't provide. I'm still struggling with letting go of the hope I have for a mother-daughter relationship that just isn't in the books but I think this is a pretty common struggle for many people and I feel okay accepting that as a fact of life. I think addressing this issue will have a trickle down effect with my self esteem, helping me make positive changes in other areas as well, not just with the relationship with my mom.
So I'm learning some new tricks, one of which is telling the world "This Hannah is ocupada!" and setting boundaries. Let the learning proceed!