Last night was the biggest episode/anxiety flare up I've had since Baby came along-the first episode that made me think about the future and raising Baby as a mom with Bipolar...
I have been insecure and unstable for several days now, fidgety and distracted, my brain constantly humming away with anxious thoughts. Last night the hubbo was cruising apartment options and shared one idea with me. The apartments were a good option and worth checking out but I think the discussion was too much for me in my fragile state.
It took a couple hours but I gradually slid into a frenzy. My vision got sketchy, my peripheral vision shut down, my focus became terrible, shadow and brightness became exaggerated and although I was indoors past dark it felt like I was outside on a sunny day, the indoor lighting overwhelming. It was heartbreaking looking at my son in my arms and feeling like I was looking through a warped window. I wasn't myself and I was keenly aware of it.
I know that right now he's too small to understand my episodes or to understand that I'm not myself during those times, but looking at him and feeling so fractured made me think about the future when he'll be blindsided by my mood dropping out and confused by my irrational comments or hurt by my withdrawal. It's scary. I know parents can't avoid messing up their children in one way or another, but I don't want him scarred for life by my disease.
Once I was able to calm down a bit the hubbo and I admitted our concerns about explaining my mental health to our children and how we'll work through episodes with them around. We don't have it all figured out but it's definitely on our radar, especially after last night. There was no self-harming but I was angry and yelling, definitely irrational and it would be confusing and troubling to a child.
I know that prevention is key and maintaining my lifestyle can help avoid episodes but I'm also aware that I can't avoid every episode. We need some sort of framework for dealing with my flare ups, and while I'm confident we'll figure something out I worry about how our children may be affected.
Guess this is a great subject to discuss with my therapist, right!?
In the meantime, I'm trying to calm down and even out. The hubster and I have plans to go out Saturday for the first time without Baby. Seattle Rep sent us a convincing ad for a romantic play called "Outside Mullingar" and we're having my mom up to babysit while we go to an early showing. I'd really like to be in a better frame of mind by then so I can enjoy it instead of being a prickly pear!