Saturday, May 30, 2015

Not the Weekend I Expected

Crab walking and soaking this weekend hoping this boil explodes as soon as possible... Upset that I won't be able to take my walks, they really help with my mood, but the hubster is being helpful and supportive despite how repulsive I must be!

Oddly enough, this dip in physical health has made me refocus on my mental well being. I haven't been taking good enough care of myself and the last several days have made that quite evident. In addition to stoking my self care fire this bump in the road has made my worries about my sister and frustrations with my mother reawaken-for a few weeks they had subsided, or perhaps just gone underground.

Anyways, I thought it might be a good exercise to write down some of my feelings and get them out instead of continuing to sit on them like a hen with a rotten egg snuggled up under her butt. I will do so in the form of a letter.

Mom-

I know you have told me not to worry about my sister, I know you've told me that you and Dad will take care of her and the baby if things don't work out well, but I'm still concerned. 

My concerns mainly focus on her mental health. She's said herself that she believes she has bipolar disorder, a disorder that is known to run in families and I, for one, am known to have it. To me those seem like two very good reasons to get checked out (not to mention the other countless reasons including improving relationships and providing a better life for her unborn child) and yet you both avoid directly confronting the issue.* 

I know it's a scary prospect, the idea of such an illness, but I find the prospect of entering motherhood with an untreated mental illness such as bipolar more frightening. Being a mother with bipolar I know how the illness presents challenges, challenges that are difficult for me even while I acknowledge and treat my disease, I can't imagine how upsetting and dangerous those challenges would be for someone who isn't treating their illness or even acknowledging it. 

Not dealing with these issues isn't just bad for our family, for my sister, for her child, it's directly invalidating to me, someone with the disease you refuse to acknowledge. Being afraid to confront the possibility of bipolar in my sister paints the disease as too terrible to consider, how do you think that makes me feel? I've experienced myself our family's aversion to discussing mental health issues and still feel the pain it causes, but this is a more direct insult that ever before.

I don't really believe that clarifying my concerns will help things but I needed to write this out to prove to myself that 'm not off-base, to prove that my thoughts are valid, to validate myself in spite of the rejection I feel. It's not bad to be concerned for my family though I am made to feel like a traitor for voicing my feelings. That's not fair, so I write this.

Concerned daughter and sister,
Hannah

*We also have a known family member with schizophrenia, another potential familial disease worth investigating

So there we are. Hubby agrees that my mental health may have gotten covered up lately, between Baby and the walking make me feel better I got off the self care wagon and wasn't sussing out my feelings. Oh well. Dealing with my mental health is a series of fresh starts, over and over, here we go again!

Back to deboilification...


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Be well, HBF