Sunday, June 7, 2015

Oh Jolly, One Good Day Before Back to Bad...

Wanted to go to the hospital Friday. Wanted to be in a room that wasn't my own, no laundry, no dishes, no packing, no obligations just me and Baby doing our thing. Unfortunately my bare bones existence consists of tons of supplements, struggling to consume enough nutritious foods, runaway thoughts, anxiety, all over tension, and now even castor oil packs to try and reduce the inflammation of my perpetually plugged duct-not exactly a prime situation for rest and relaxation.

I've never been to the hospital for my mental illness, I imagine it might be more frustrating and complicated than helpful in many ways, yet it remains a hazy last resort I cling to. Deep down I know it's not the respite I need, so I keep at arm's length to protect the possibility, protect the illusion of a safety net.

In reality, it's all on me. The only help to be offered would be drugs pushed down my gullet-and I can't go back to drugs. The side effects and lackluster results aside, the one thing I'm doing "right" is feeding my baby and going on meds may take that away from me. I don't know how I could handle losing the one thing I can do right at the moment. It's a scary proposition.

It all feels like too much to juggle. I can't cope unless things get better and things can't get better without me taking care of all my shit, yet I'm hobbled. No matter what the hubster may say, I don't see any help for me. He's barely keeping it together helping out more with the baby and coping with his work stress, not to mention handling most of the cooking and trying to force feed me. I'm not ill enough to be helped by a medical facility and I'm not well enough to help myself much. One alternative is to hope things get worse, another that they get marginally better so I can fix it myself.

Today is another shitty day. Started out well enough but has devolved to paralyzing tension, more scratching on my forearm, and some wrist banging. As much as I'm afraid of the self harm escalating I'm more afraid of my mood completely bottoming out and having to go on medication. I guess there isn't really an upside at the moment, just fear on top of fear with anxiety and self disgust for flavor.

Yesterday was good enough. Beginning to look like I can't string together good days though. At least my ongoing crazy dreams are entertaining.


  1. I was hospitalized twice with depression and all I wanted to do was go back home. No matter how far we have come with taking the stigma out of mental illness they medical powers that be do not know how to treat a patient. It isn't like the rest of the hospital where you get meals brought to you and you get to rest. You get meals, sans metal utensils. No doors. Bathrooms locked up and you have to ask to shower. It just made me more sad. It made me feel like there really was something "wrong" with me. In fact, it made me want to kill myself even more. And yes... they will bring on the meds full force.
    I don't know what to say to you but I know you are in a bad place. probably more than you are letting on. What helped me was Mindfulness Meditation. Ask your counselor about it. There are a lot of great apps but the ones that have helped me the most are Mindfulness Daily. Another one is Stop, Breathe, Think.
    Hannah, I think I would have been dead now if it were not learning this very simple tool. It is about living in the moment and learning to not let your thoughts get away on you. Thoughts are like waves. They start out as a tiny ripple but end up turning into tsunamis.
    Right now I am sitting on the couch still keeping my right leg hidden under my nightie because i took a razor to it a few months back. You are the ONLY person I have told. (My husband saw me do it.) I am telling you because I want you to not stop until you get help. You don't need to go to the hospital. Don't let your brain tell you that. You are a good person. You are a good mom. Your brain, like mine is just a little off track. You need to learn a new way of dealing with your thoughts. Mindfulness will help you. I listened to the meditations when I was going though the hard minutes and they got me through. Now I have to listen everyday or I will end up in that black place. ANd maybe one day I will be there again but I am not right now and I know why.
    So, Stop. Take a big breath. You are NOT too far gone. You can and will get better. Yup, you will have bad days but you are a strong woman.
    I am sending you so much love.

  2. Thank you Birdie. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Sad for us but so glad I'm not alone!

  3. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. Breathe, dear one. Breathe.


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Be well, HBF