Crying this afternoon and feeling hollow again. I knew that things wouldn't change when I had a kid, that I wouldn't miraculously have more friends, my family wouldn't magically be more supportive, basically, things wouldn't change. I accepted that. What I didn't realize was how much I would need them to change, that the same ole nothin' wasn't going to cut it. Here I am with the same ole nothing and I'm breaking apart.
I feel so lonely. I feel like I'm never going to connect with a new group or find friends or develop a support network, that I'm always going to be struggling to find the support I need. I also feel resentful of my family and the few friends that I think I have for not being there for me, for being hard to connect with, for not realizing that I need support or just not being able to give it. I also feel angry with myself for not figuring this out, for not trying more things and being more proactive, but I also realize that when I'm barely able to feed myself doing new things probably isn't going to happen.
It sucks. I know that I love my son but right now I feel like I made a mistake, that I horribly underestimated the difficulties of parenthood and that I threw the life that I barely had put together on the fire when I decided to get pregnant. I mean, I was just getting into a healthy regimen and a good mood streak when we decided to up the ante, and now I feel like I'm slipping back into a "barely holding on" type of existence.
It's not fun clinging to the edge of a cliff. It hurts, it's terrifying, it's lonely.
Baby is wailing. Time for a feed. Maybe I'll get my shit together another day, but today is just survival mode.