Monday, June 22, 2015

Overwhelmed

Crying this afternoon and feeling hollow again. I knew that things wouldn't change when I had a kid, that I wouldn't miraculously have more friends, my family wouldn't magically be more supportive, basically, things wouldn't change. I accepted that. What I didn't realize was how much I would need them to change, that the same ole nothin' wasn't going to cut it. Here I am with the same ole nothing and I'm breaking apart.

I feel so lonely. I feel like I'm never going to connect with a new group or find friends or develop a support network, that I'm always going to be struggling to find the support I need. I also feel resentful of my family and the few friends that I think I have for not being there for me, for being hard to connect with, for not realizing that I need support or just not being able to give it. I also feel angry with myself for not figuring this out, for not trying more things and being more proactive, but I also realize that when I'm barely able to feed myself doing new things probably isn't going to happen.

It sucks. I know that I love my son but right now I feel like I made a mistake, that I horribly underestimated the difficulties of parenthood and that I threw the life that I barely had put together on the fire when I decided to get pregnant. I mean, I was just getting into a healthy regimen and a good mood streak when we decided to up the ante, and now I feel like I'm slipping back into a "barely holding on" type of existence.

It's not fun clinging to the edge of a cliff. It hurts, it's terrifying, it's lonely.

Baby is wailing. Time for a feed. Maybe I'll get my shit together another day, but today is just survival mode.

2 comments:

  1. There is no way anyone can know what parenthood is going to be like. In all honesty, most days it is so hard. Kids do what kids do best and that is take. Because that is how they survive. But they also love without abandon. Your son is so little yet but soon he will start knowing you and a little personality will emerge. Right now he is yours but soon you will become his.
    If surviving and just putting one foot in front of the other is all you can do now that is OK. I remember doing that a lot when my kids were small. And sleeping. I slept so much. Maybe too much but it was all I could do to survive.
    As for meeting other mom's, that never really worked for me. I would go to mom and baby groups and all the women seemed like the had known each other for years when they had only just met. I never fit in. The groups made me feel worse. All the mom's seemed to have their shit together and I clearly didn't. One thing that did help was a post-partum depression support group. If there is not one in your community call your local health unit and see if there is anyone that would be interested in being a facilitator. (Not a job for you but perhaps a nurse or someone who is trained in PPD.) My group was my life-saver. There were only ever 5 of us be we were all struggling with the same things and that connection helped me more than anything. Seriously, get on the phone and make some calls. I am not sure how big your community is but maybe it will be your job to get the ball rolling on a support group.

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one that struggles with this... People reference my "mom friends" as if having a kid just comes with a new social circle and I feel like some sort of dunce that I seemed to have lost track of these supposed new friends I'm entitled to... I just wish something would come easy when I need it to, but everything is a struggle when my mood gets shitty. Or vice versa? Chicken & egg I guess.

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Be well, HBF