Trying to plumb some negative feelings about my sister and her pregnancy.
Yesterday I was in a rush to get on the road with Baby after the family 4th of July BBQ and didn't hug her goodbye. My friend S (the mutual one I share with my mom) walked down the driveway and gave me a hug while my sister stood further up, not moving. I wasn't about to walk back up to her with my babe crying away so I just waved farewell.
Today I struggled with that and trying not to feel guilty for putting my needs first and leaving in such a fashion. I decided to text her some "nothing" about having a good trip back east and she dropped something about seeing our aunt (the smoker I used to be close with). She had gone to our aunt's house for a few hours, pizza and games.
I was a little shocked. I purposefully avoided that place while I was pregnant and since for the sake of my baby's health. She and my uncle smoke so much the house reeks and certainly doesn't feel healthy. My sister said that they went outside to smoke while she was there, rather "when I'm here," so she's been multiple times during her pregnancy it would seem.
It boggles my mind. I suppose I'm a bit paranoid about avoiding secondhand smoke, but during pregnancy and infancy shouldn't one be paranoid? My gut says she isn't being reasonable or relaxed about health risks during her pregnancy, my gut says she just don't care. I then wonder if she just doesn't care or if it hasn't occurred to her at all, and I'm not sure. I think my sister is smarter than that, but I have been proven wrong before...
Ugh. I need to work on some constructive ways to purge these negative feelings, maybe try another therapeutic letter, but I just don't have the time right now.
I will aim to purge this week...