Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Make it stop

I just want it to stop, I thought of HALT, Ive got all 4. i dont want to eat ive been angry for so long i give up, i'm sick of being lonely all the time, i'm tired. so tired, physically and in so many other ways, i want to stop this eternal tooth and nail battle. i just want it to stop. just want it to stop. i'm sick of fighting.


  1. It is amazing and frightening what happens to us when we are hungry. angry, lonely and tired. You can add sick to that list. HALTS!

    Just KNOW that what you are *feeling* right now is just a feeling. It is not fact. It can really, really feel like it but it is just emotions. Grab yourself a snack to start, even if it is not healthy. Healthy is better but you need something in your stomach. Then put everything you think you need to do today and if possible, go have a nap. If you can't nap, sit on the couch quietly. Listen to music that you enjoy.
    As for the lonely, you are not alone in your feelings. You may be alone physically but all of this, it is so normal for a new mom. You look back at your life pre-baby and wonder what you did with all of your time. And, oh! To sleep like that again. And your body is now a lot squishier than before and except your breasts which are hard as rocks at times. And you are so tired of just maintaining this little human that you love with a love that didn't exist before he was born and yet....
    I wish I could go back to the young me and tell her to sit down and quit trying so hard. Sit down and just do nothing for 10 minutes while baby plays on the floor. No TV, no reading What to Expect the First Year (you do that, right?) and just chill.

    Just get through today. Tomorrow might be better or it might now. Just get through today.

  2. ***Then put everything you think you need to do today aside

  3. I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. I wish for a better day for you tomorrow.

  4. thank you both, i will shuffle on. almost crushing disappointment committing to another day. I feel like a pouty child, "I dont want to!" I don't want to.

    1. You are so not a pouty child. That is the depression telling you lies again. It makes you not only depressed but it makes you feel bad for feeling depressed. And around it goes.

  5. Hi there. I'm a friend of Birdie's, my name is Grainne. I read your post and just wanted you to know that I know some of what you feel. I have birth to a very crank babe years ago and vividly recall walking in circles with him in my arms, both of us sobbing our hearts out for hours. It felt like it might never end...but it did, of course. Everything in life changes and before you know it you will be remembering your son as a baby while you buy the tenth pair of running shoes that year for his impossibly enormous feet. :) It gets easier and you will, one day, actually know what rested feels like again.

    Hang in there. Everything will be different one day. Tired, lonely and all

  6. Dear Hannah,

    Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired is a lousy place to be. I've been there many times and for me, this state of being signals the need to slow down or just stop for a bit...That can be hard when you have a there a safe place to put him while you chill for a bit, like maybe his crib or a play pen?

    Can you eat something simple like a peanut butter sandwich? That will provide protein, fat and calories to get you through to the next meal...Then, ditch your to-do list and grab a short nap or some quiet time. That will help restore you and make your feelings easier to deal with.

    As for your feelings, Birdie is right. They are just feelings and will pass. If they overwhelm, call someone---a friend, husband, therapist...

    You will get through doesn't matter that the house isn't perfect or you don't get everything on your list done today...just take care of you. Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

  7. Dear Hannah,
    I am another friend of Birdie's. You are not alone. Never alone.
    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring. Look after yourself. Please. As best you can.
    One tiny step at a time.

  8. Dear Hannah,

    I am also a friend of Birdie's. Don't ever think you are alone, because you are not! Sending you a warm hug and much love.

  9. Thank you all so much. I cannot tell you how much it means to see this show of support after feeling so invisible and lonely for so long. Each comment is like a tether to solid ground fighting back against that giant black balloon that threatens to carry me off to nothingness and it means so much. Things got really bad this afternoon really fast but I'm starting to see some light and see with some clarity again, and I thank you all for helping me get there :) Thank you, thank you.

  10. Another friend of Birdie's just wishing that you'd feel better very soon. The blogging world can be a wonderful place for support and love and I hope knowing that you are not alone will bring you some comfort.

  11. Another friend of Birdie's here. Depression is a hard wave to ride. I hope today is a brighter day for you. Keeping you in my thoughts.


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Be well, HBF