Monday, July 27, 2015

Monday Missive #3

Dear Hubbo,

I know that lately things have been harder than usual for us. Trying to take care of the baby and take care of ourselves as well has been whooping our butts sometimes. 

I'm sorry that my struggles have hijacked so much energy and resources. I know that I'm not the only one adjusting, but I get overly focused on my own short comings and struggles, often overlooking the challenges you might have or the stress in your life. I'm sorry.

I'm so happy for you that you are looking into getting your degree finished and even got accepted at the uni that you want, it's awesome. I know I harp on your for dragging you feet on certain things, but you are impressing me with your go-get-it-ness about your degree :)

That said, I'm worried. It's not that I'm not on board, I totally am, I'm just worried about keeping my shit together. I know it's not all about me, but I know how much I can drag the family down when I'm not well. You seem to have a certain faith that everything will work out and I trust in your captainship, it's just hard for me to internalize.

I think you were totally spot on when you made that observation about how I might resent you for being more functional than me. It's not fun being the anchor. Not a grounded, "good" anchor, a "drag us down" anchor. I am working up to handling what"s on my plate now and here you are reaching for more challenge! I'm definitely a bit envious, especially when you get to do school. Ya know I love school!

Thankfully, it's that subconscious, filmy type of feeling that on one level is true but on many others is just a flare of human ego, all emotion without any conscious truth behind it. I don't hate you, I don't wish you wouldn't do this, I'm glad for you and proud of you and excited for the potential this brings to our future together. Thank you for helping me work through these feelings and know that I will try my best to help you (mainly by trying to keep myself together as best as possible).

I know we will get a babysitter arranged for extra help before you begin classes and I know that you have faith in me. I will try my best not to freak out any more than I already am and support you :)

Very happy for you and happily yours,
Hannah

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Be well, HBF