At therapy Monday my therapist invited me to write more therapeutic letters regarding my family, specifically my sister. I admitted I was having some mean thoughts related to the name she has chosen for her baby. You don't really need to know the name, just the initials, since my beef is with the initials: BS. And with the middle initial? BMS.
So bullshit and bowel movements.
In my mind I kept referring to the baby as "Shitbaby," which is what I admitted in therapy and while not the only reason she suggested I write more angry letters, probably a big factor. No fetus needs to be called "Shitbaby."
I'm sure I feel some resentment toward the baby itself but I think most of my negative feelings are geared toward my sister for making such a poorly timed, poorly reasoned decision and for (in my mind) not taking it all very seriously. As someone who was very deliberate and concerned about her conception, pregnancy, birth, and parenthood I find it insulting and upsetting to have the kit-n-caboodle shoveled around so cavalierly.
Ugh. I guess it all isn't something that can be taken too seriously, can it? For me having children is something I've always wanted to experience but I was also concerned about my disease and having children, concerned about passing on mental illness or having my issues scar my child or hamper my ability to parent-it was all very serious to me. Yet I've heard that around 1/3 of pregnancies are unplanned in our country. 1/3! And we're supposed to be advanced in the art of contraception and sexual hipness. Pfft.
The hubbo says it burns us because we "followed all the rules and still get shafted, and she breaks all the rules and is gets star treatment and it's just a slap in the face." I think what he means is how we feel ignored and unsupported by my family while sister gets the FEMA response to her crisis-after-crisis lifestyle.
All of those negative feelings and then I also have a burden of guilt plaguing me. I feel guilted by my mother almost constantly and even feeling the blame shifted to me from my sister for our relationship not being what we would both like. Doesn't it take two to tango?
I'm guilt-sick. So sick of living a guilty life. I wish I could live guilt-free.
This came up in another way today when I was going through my card binder (I send handmade cards to family and friends for birthdays, anniversaries etc.) I was wrestling with whom to send cards to and whom to cut from my list. It's time consuming making the cards and buying envelopes and while stamps are cheap sending out 40 cards in addition to Christmas cards can affect the ole bottom line.... Anyways, it was a guilt fest. Feeling guilty for not sending cards to people even if they hardly acknowledge my existence or contact me throughout the year but feeling awkward in anticipation of not sending cards. It's like I can't win.
Today was pretty decent even though I'm feeling ucky. Having my first *official* period postpartum and it's kicking my butt. No spotting and "what was that?" anymore, it's a full blown uterine shed-fest. Add to that I've been sleeping poorly and not drinking enough water (damn this heat wave and it's little heat wave doggie too) and I've been dragging a bit.
Even with my ookiness I managed to get in a good walk today to Town Center and enjoyed some coffee and scone with a puzzle while Baby napped at the cafe. Tomorrow I meet up with some FB mommy groupers for another walk on the trail, we'll see how that goes...
Todays walk included some trail breastfeeding, almost forgot! That wasn't nearly as interesting as the subsequent 2-3 stops to get a burp outta Baby. Like fracking trying to get this kiddo to let out those burps!
My mood is all right but I'm feeling wary as the tiredness keeps piling up...