Thursday, July 9, 2015

No, No, NO

Scratchy throat, phlegm, aches, extra tiredness, and a bit of coughing today. Not what I need. SOOOO not what I need.

I'm spent. Just want to crawl in a hole and disappear until things get better, as if there is some magical way for things to be made better. Not good depending on magic. Not good.

I know my mood is bad and that I can't think straight, I can't see a way for things to get better and that it's crushing me. I know I'm not firing on all cylinders yet I can't whack my head with a wrench and get it working right again. Not sleeping sure ain't gonna help.

I feel like such an idiot. I have to tell myself it's my broken brain but I'm slipping into that zone where all the logic in the world won't make me feel like a worthwhile person.

These are the days I wish that I had a reboot button like a computer... I need to be restarted. Restarted and reprogrammed. Where the hell is Happy 2.0 where you need it? Shit, I'd settle for Okay 1.0...

I know there are people that have told me to contact them when I'm feeling down but I just can't bring myself to even text. I feel like such a charity case. No one wants to talk or hang out unless it's a dire situation. Am I that repugnant? I feel ashamed and awkward, embarrassed that I can't keep it together, and so tired of fighting my way through each day.

There doesn't seem to ever be any refuge from my own mind.

This whole week I haven't slept well and it looks like I'm in for another horrible night.


  1. Remember H.A.L.T.

    When you are feeling any of these, halt. You are more vulnerable than usual and need to know that you are looking at the world through skewed vision.
    Go have a small snack and lay down when baby does. Notice HALT doesn't mention a messy house? Don't go clean when baby sleeps.You sleep too.

  2. Thank you Birdie. I was able to take a nap this afternoon and the hubbo is gearing up for a more active participation in tonight's baby care. I wanted help earlier to prevent totally bottoming out, but I guess... I don't have a guess. I told the hubbo I was struggling and it didn't compute or something. So I bottomed out. Moving on.

  3. This is the way I feel at least 1 day of every week since I was 12. And no one ever understands, even if they say they do. And even if they say they are "there to listen", are they really? And then that becomes a "why bother" too, right? It sucks, but it's a mindset, and not an easy one to get out of. I resorted to telling myself that everything and everyone suck. And the little things that don't suck just serve as pleasantries. Not a great point of view, but it gets me through the days. I expect the worst of everything, and when I don't get "the worst", I'm pleased. That's just it though right? You have to take what you can out of life's little pleasures. No matter how far and few between, while at the same time, not expecting them to happen at all.

  4. That's interesting, I feel like I've been there myself but with the Bipolar II I swing from "the world is shit, you'll never keep up, get used to it" and "you can do anything, behold the wonders of life!" When I am able to rest in the in-between, in the "normal" I'm usually a mix, sort of a skeptic but optimistic... Pretty hard to maintain any view for very long when I have warring propaganda machines in my head though.


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF