Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Resurfacing

Things got dark really fast this afternoon, and things were a little different... I'm not sure if was motherhood or the stress levels but my darkness was different. When you have an illness like I do you become familiar with it, especially with the dark shadowy bits. The dark spells have certain feelings, patterns, even a sense of "normal" after a while even though being suicidal should never really be normalized...

Well, today I was definitely experiencing my "normal" crash but there was a new element. My dark logic, when my brain starts rationalizing suicide and the depressive propaganda machine gets going, for whatever reason it latched onto an insecurity regarding the hubbo. I found myself texting him gobbledygook about how he has always wanted me to eventually kill myself, that he's wanted to be a widower from the get-go, that his whole reason for being with me involves my eventual suicide somehow. Never had this bubbled to the surface before.

In hindsight, it seems totally batshit, but at the time I thought I was unveiling some concealed truth, pointing out an elephant in the room we had neglected to address. It was so blatantly "out there" the hubs texted and voicemailed me, "You are not yourself!" and tried to reason with me, repeating over and over that I was out of my mind and not myself. It made some impact but at that point I was already breaking down, barely able to move or speak. Thankfully at that stage the likelihood of self harm also breaks down (I'm just not capable of much of anything).

He got home, fed me, and took care of Baby while I rezoned. I laid down with a book on tape in my ears, did some puzzles, rested, and then I went to the table and resumed an art project. I was compelled, it was almost unthinking. This was a bit unusual, as the project had been causing me stress, but I resumed it with a "I do what I want and whatever happens happens, if I end up throwing it all away oh well" instead of having a hard goal. With that approach the artwork became therapeutic. I still wasn't speaking or looking at the hubs or Baby, but after completing the second smaller painting, I was able to speak and make some eye contact. I was back, if only somewhat.

I painted the warthog several days ago and then failed at 3 subsequent attempts at other letters.
Today I painted an "E is for Eider" and "L is for Little Brown Bat," enjoying myself instead of pressuring
and I like what I turned out. I couldn't communicate brain-voice, but I could function brain-paper, and that
seemed to help get the rest back on line as well.


We went on to interview some potential babysitters, handled a plumbing issue with our landlord, and had dinner, then I discovered the wonderful comments on my blog and I cried happy tears. I feel so alone, so lonely so much of the time, so invisible. Seeing so many comments, being seen in that way, it is so anchoring. Like tethers in solid ground holding back this black balloon that was carrying me off. Thank you all, so much. It means so, so much.

I know the darkness will be back someday. I'm so tired of living in fear and fighting myself. I know life isn't easy, but I think it would be easier fighting something outside myself, something solid, something beside my own mind and body. It is so hard to be torn apart from within, so hard to grasp this slippery sickness, so hard to reconcile the urge to live dwelling in the same space as the urge to die.

But having people that understand, that share the burden, somehow that helps. It helps a lot.

Thank you.

20 comments:

  1. I'm visiting from Birdie's blog and wanted to let you know that our community is a very supportive one, that many of us struggle with all kinds of "stuff," and that you are not alone. Take care --

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    1. Thank you Elizabeth! It is so good to hear from others' and know that I'm not alone. We can't really carry each others' "stuff" but the kind words certainly help me shoulder the burden better :) Thank you.

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  2. I spend time in the dark places myself. I know that from time to time I have firmly believed that not only would I be better off if I wasn't here, so would all the people I love be better off.
    Depression is a very skilled soul-sucking liar. Black dog nothing. It is bigger than that. A concrete cloud.
    Tiny steps. And I love that you turned to your art.
    I am so glad that you reached out. Please keep doing so. Hugs.

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    1. Yes! Depression is so devious! And definitely bigger than any dog I've seen :)

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  3. Hi there Bananaface (what a wonderful nickname.) Having always suffered from depression compounded by postnatal stuff after each of the kids, I know how dark those corners can be. But like those before me have said, you are not alone. When I am having a bad day I find it helps to think of some of my online friends, people who would be with me like a shot if only they lived closer.

    Your artwork is beautiful. x x

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    1. Thank you Lorna, it has been a long time feeling like I'm all alone in my little dark corner of the internet but seeing such a show of support and people in similar boats right along me has been wonderful! I guess in a way, online friends live closer than any others-I don't have any neighbors living in my lap at the moment! ;) Thank you for your support!

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  4. Dearest Hannah,

    I am 58 years young and was married for 15 and a half years (1983-1998) when my husband decided he wanted a divorce. I was never able to have children, but I struggle with depression and have for many, many years now. My mother had four miscarriages, then she gave birth to a son in 1950 whom she called Richard. Sadly, Richard also died, at the tender age of 7 months (bronchial pneumonia). At this point the doctor told my mother she would not be able to have children, as she had already lost 5! However, almost 6 years later, and just two months before her 41st birthday, in 1956, I was born. Even though I don't have all your experiences in common, I understand what it is like to feel lonely, to feel sad, and yes, to be depressed. Thank you so much for becoming a follower of my blog, and I really hope that my posts offer you some comfort and encouragement. Please don't be shy to leave a comment, and please know that you are most welcome. Hugs and love to you. You are a very talented artist, and a lovely human being!

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    1. Thank you Linda, your posts are helpful! Thank you for the encouragement regarding commenting, I do get quite anxious leaving comments or following new folks! It's wonderful to get such a warm welcome :)

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  5. Hi Hannah, I found my way over from Birdie's blog. I, too, suffer from depression and anxiety. Please know you do have a community to reach out to...and your artwork is beautiful! Take one minute at a time, one hour, one day... My email is: Sue0661@comcast.net if you care to chat privately. Sending hugs ~ Sue

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    1. Thank you Sue, today is definitely a "back to baby steps" sort of day :)

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  6. You've got blogging pals that will drop by and do their best to help you. You are never alone. I hope today is a much better day for you.

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    1. Thank you Martha, I wrote "you are not alone" on my mirror this morning as a reminder too!

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  7. Just dropped by to see how things are going for you today...I won't be blogging for the next couple of weeks, doing other writing, but my email is on my profile page or you can leave a message on the blog if you like. Love your art! Best to you.

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    1. Thank you :) Today has been hot and cold, I think I try to bounce back too quickly and end up over doing things and getting run down. Hope your writing goes well! I will keep you email addy handy, thank you!

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  8. Hey there, here via Birdie's blog...I live with major depression and anxiety, and I'm just sending you a hug from blogland. Things will get better!

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  9. Just stopping by to say hello. I hope today is a little better than yesterday. Well, I hope it is a LOT better but sometimes we have to take the little steps.
    You are loved.

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    1. *feels loved*

      Thank you, hope you have a good day!

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  10. Dear Hannah, I sometimes feel as you do, although I have not been brave enough to write the S-word on my blog. Some days it does feel a if I want to just lie down and never get back up, and that everyone would be better off without me, but that is the darkness talking, it is not truth, and we have to just hang on until we can get back to what is true. I too get figments in my head about my husband; he weathers them thank God. Your husband did the exact right thing feeding you and putting you to bed and taking care of your baby. And you did the right thing turning to your art, which is beautiful. Immersing ourselves in creative work can often help us find peace; but I hope you are also in therapy with someone who can help you to process these feelings on a regular basis. Your little one needs you and always will. I hope today is much better, dear one, and that it is the first in a string of much brighter days. Take care of yourself. New motherhood is not easy, but it has its moments that make everything worth it. Look for those. xo

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    1. Thank you! It always makes me smile when he wakes up happy in the morning or gives me a shy grin as he blows raspberries... but somedays it's just not enough to combat the darkness! I am in therapy and really like my lady, very calming but also able to help me dig deep :) Happy Friday!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF