Saturday, July 11, 2015

Sickness

Still feeling sick, also feeling down. I'm frustrated with feeling so high maintenance and not feeling like my needs are being met. Had an appointment with my ND to check up on my thyroid and today I'm feeling overwhelmed and bad about myself. I feel bad about not eating well enough, about not taking enough supplements, about not exercising enough. Just bad. I've already spent the majority of my life so far feeling worthless and not good enough, is that going to be my story for the rest of my life?

I had the thought that I should find a new provider. Find someone who is realistic and positive, able to help me make good changes not just pile on should dos and skepticism. Part of me thinks that I should do this, and another part of me sighs and says "why bother?" I think I need to make changes, I just feel like I don't have the reserves to launch any new offenses. It's like my life is a war zone and I'm able to defend my little tiny reserve of sanity (with the occasional breech) but not able to make a push and take more ground...

In other news the hubbo and I made a wager. It's sick, but we make wagers and have bets regarding weird life things, like "if your dad says this during our visit then you when, if he doesn't then I win" or "I bet my mom will do this."

Well, this bet originated out of one of our conversations about my sister and I was imagining what it will be like visiting them once the baby arrives. The hubbo said something like, "what you wanna bet she'll have a c-section? I'm like 80% sure she will. I pretty much know it." The wager? Who gets to pick the design of an easy chair for the living room. We are a certain kind of twisted, aren't we?

Off to my 3rd cup of tea today... or is it the 4th? Whatever. Hot liquid is sooo necessary to me at the moment... Soothing hot liquid, you are my friend.


2 comments:

  1. That wager is hilarious! OMG. It is funny (but sometimes not) how we just know some people so well.

    I think us depressives always feel like we are missing the mark. Did you ever see the movie "Sister Act" with Whoppie Goldberg? She is talking to the youngest nun with the red hair and Whoppie was asking her why she wanted to be a nun. The little nun said, "It's that all my life everybody seems to be doing or catching on to things a second faster or better than me". I could take that as my mantra. Everyone around me just seems to be doing better in...everything,
    Eat well, when you can. Take your supplements, when you remember. Exercise, when you are feeling up to it. Sleep any chance you can get right now. Yeah, you will probably spend a part of your life feeling worthless then one day you won't. Or one day it won't be as bad. You will learn.

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  2. Totally feel like I'm always missing the mark! Even as a straight-A student I wasn't quite "right" or good enough.

    So true, I muddle along and do what I can and then one day it's not so bad... Feels like a Disney movie montage.

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Be well, HBF