Feeling shitty today after therapy and dumping about my sister. We did manage to talk about some positive things and some improvements that I've made and can make but it wasn't a super satisfying session and coming home to a warm apartment, a bungled pizza pick up (I forgot the hubbo's soda), and a needy baby just ground me down...
So this afternoon I was marinating in negative feelings and felt myself starting to bemoan my situation, wondering "Why so many lies?" in my first family. It didn't take long for me to realize that it doesn't matter. It's a stupid question. Useless.
Sure, I could analyze everyone and everything and find the potential sources of whatever psychological issues my family may have but it doesn't get me anywhere. It may marginally improve my tolerance but the real issue is that I hurt. I hurt and I don't think I deserve to hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore.
My family can't provide the help or support or comfort that I need and I can't expect them to change any time soon... or ever. It's been over a quarter century, I think things are pretty set! But what I can do is manage my boundaries, create some distance, and take care of myself and the family I am starting with the hubster now.
For tonight I will try to bulk up the mental blockade against the stressors from my first family. I have a visual that usually helps quite a bit, I imagine blowing up a giant bubble around myself and then my room and then the entire condo and then the entire building, block, city etc. etc.
I need a safe zone and even if it's a lonely safe zone for the moment, I'd rather have an empty safe zone and be looking for good friends than just hanging out in a stressed, no holds barred, pressure cooker zone.