It has been a slow, sleepy day here on the unit. It was overcast yesterday and while it is brighter today there are large clouds hustling across the blue sky and winds picking leaves off the trees.
This morning the day nurses neglected to turn on the overhead lights in the common area until nearly 8:30 AM and despite the sky light's glow, it was simply too easy to sleep in. I think everyone outside our rooms was walking and talking more quietly with those lights off, it set the day off in a sleepy fashion.
Even now at three in the afternoon we are all rather reserved. I know you would think that would be the natural state of a unit full of depressed folks but for most days there is a bit of forced energy. Today we are all laid back.
I am feeling much better than when I arrived here last week. My baseline mood is higher, I feel hope, my anxiety isn't making me sick and tense all day long, I haven't been suicidal or wanting to self harm or hurt my baby. So much has changed for me in what feels like a very short period. I was skeptical at first that being here would be able to have much impact but I have been proven wrong.
There are some here that aren't so lucky. Weeks have gone by and they are still extremely depressed or anxious or angry. I can understand. I feel bad for them but I am also hopeful, I see their little glimmers of hope even when they do not. They are trying and it is so noble.
There are others that I do not think will truly get better for quite some time. The drugs may help, they may have remissions but I see dark futures for them. They aren't able to accept their situation, acknowledge their feelings, absorb the lessons to be taught here. I feel sad for them, annoyed at their stubbornness and their sort of arrogance. They act as if they don't belong here and through that denial I feel rebuffed.
I try to not take it personally, accept that we each have our own journeys and focus on my recovery, because I have flopped around like a fish out of water long enough and I'm ready for change even if those other people are not.
There are many things that I have been introduced to here that I plan on exploring and utilizing throughout my life. Nonviolent communication, DBT, radical acceptance, relaxation techniques, and more. I recognize that I have a ways to go in establishing a healthier lifestyle that helps me maintain better mental health but I am also so grateful and proud of myself for being where I am at this stage of my life. There are many people here that are much older than I am but are not able to delve into their issues that same way. My insight and sensitivity have caused a lot of pain in my life but they are also my tools to recovery and relief and I am coming to terms more with that now. Nothing is ever all bad-or good for that matter.
I'm sure there is more to be said and updates to be shared but this feels like the right post for me at this moment. I will close with another piece of artwork that I completed today. I quite enjoy it but I feel compelled to give it to one of my unit peeps, a lovely woman and mother that has inspired me during my stay. I hope that she will enjoy it and I hope my readers will as well. I am very glad to have positive memories to take with me as I prepare to leave 2 East. So grateful.