Friday, August 28, 2015

A week "on the inside"

Today marks a week since I came to "2 East."

Yesterday was a pretty good day for me but I got pretty tuckered out and wasn't able to fit in blogging. That said, I do think it is worth noting that I felt connected to my hubs and the baby, even if just a little bit, and it felt good. I am actually starting to feel little whisps of hope blowing into my mind now, like little spiderwebs on the wind. I hope they stick.

Today I am still tense and a little weepy but feeling hopeful. Trying to get some good work done to prepare for my transition back home but at the same time not over-doing it and sending myself into a spiral. I'm hoping to get a paper prescription for a breast pump today and I'm hoping to start working on a schedule for when I get back home... and patio time. Need to get outside :)

Upped my meds to 200 mg last night. That is our goal dose and should be staying at that for a couple days to make sure I'm stable on it. I was feeling pretty "up" even though I was exhausted last night, my thoughts racing and I found myself focusing on my belly bulge and losing weight. Apparently being preoccupied with health is a common warning sign of an oncoming episode-good to know! Thankfully the manic feeling gave way to sleepiness and I wasn't up half the night plotting.

Being here has helped me realize that the hubs and I have fallen into some bad patterns regarding my illness. Enabling bad eating and normalizing crisis behavior, not communicating openly both ways-the hubs is usually stoic and in manager mode and I miss hearing his experience or his feelings. It makes me feel really bad about myself and it took another unit peep sharing her story to make me realize that that could affect my recovery.

I'm having a hard time focusing, so here are some pics and I'll post more later if I can sort out my thoughts.

6 MONTHS! He rocked his peds appt. In the 90s on all percentiles again (99 for weight, of course! 23 lbs)

My first "anger artwork" lots of sadness too


OH! I did decide to invite my parents up for a visit. Since I am in Seattle at the moment my invitation gave deference to traffic patterns and also took into consideration the family group that takes place on Sundays. After the fact I realized that Sunday is also my father's birthday and I felt terrible for forgetting but the hubs called my parents again for me and clarified that they didn't have plans and that it was okay to visit me.... I feel bad but also don't want to feel too bad. I matter. Ya know? So hopefully both the grandparents can come, we can celebrate Baby Bananaface's birthday and my dad's and they can go to the family group and maybe that will help facilitate some communication about the future and my disease and creating a better support network for me....

Okay. Now I will sign off for a bit and get to business :)

9 comments:

  1. Hannah, your drawing made me gasp. Not only is it good but I understand it. Seriously amazing. Do you share with others that are in-patients?

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    1. Yes, I do share. They often look over my shoulder or inquire if I finished a certain project, the occupational therapists are also very good at following up with me about certain projects :) I am glad that I was able to let loose a little bit and not only stick with this "messy" project but also be okay with sharing it even though I don't entirely like how it turned out... I'm practicing self talk about "mistakes are okay." Etc. etc. :)

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  2. How I love your drawing. Been there, spent time there, and know how overwhelming it feels.
    Your tiny flicker of hope made me think of an Anne Lamott quote:
    'Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.'
    Please keep trying, keep working. You are valuable and precious.

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    1. PS: I am pretty certain that anger, and fear, and anxiety and sadness are incestuous siblings - who have waaay too many kissing cousins.

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    2. Hahaha kissin' cousins! I totally have a funny relationship with hope, sometimes I resent it and other times it is so admirable... A funny thing, how it manages to survive in the worst environs.

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  3. I love the painting...Been there, doing that, as far as the sadness, anger, fear, anxiety...Keep on working, Hannah...things will get better! Hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks e :) I got to talk with a chaplin here that works with lots of grief stuff and she talked about how the anger can mask the sadness and the sadness can mask the anger.... It was very helpful. There is another project related to that I may undertake while I'm here :)

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  4. Your painting is amazing, Hannah, you have tremendous talent. It really resonates with me. Glad you got some time with your hubby and baby. Warm hugs.

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  5. Oh my gosh, your artwork is spectacular! You have such incredible talent. It's a great way to express - and explain - yourself. And it's wonderful that you got to visit with your hubby and the baby.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF