"Funny how family sees your for who you were and not for who you are, right?"
I'm thrashed. Less from my mother's visit and more from the discussion with my husband afterward.
The baby was overtired and/or teethy, I was unsteady but maintaining. The hubs was stressed from work/traffic and quickly pushed over the edge by our fussy baby in addition to my post-visit preoccupation. It was not the best time for a "talk."
I felt attacked and blamed, like I was completely at fault for the relationship with my mother-not so much the relationship itself but not moving on or dealing with it differently... I thought I was doing all right, not quite falling to pieces this time like others, but then the hubster started pressing.
Ugh. My body aches, I feel sick, leftover tears still wobble behind my eyes. I know he meant well but his frustrations spilled over on me and instead of a productive talk I went through a much less helpful "wringer."
He's not the only one sick of this dysfunctional status quo that has taken root. He's ready to move on, for better or for worse, but I continue to avoid conflict, keeping my head down; distance and boundaries being the only tactics I can muster.
He asked me what I want from my mother and I couldn't come up with a good answer. I just want to be able to talk to her without being confined to "small talk" or being ignored or shut down. I want her to know me instead of assume that I am the daughter she once knew.
The small talk is exhausting. The awkward silences heavy. Somehow I felt lonelier being with her today than I do on the days that I spend alone...
I feel pressure to make progress, to fix, to make a stand, but I also feel fearful and weak. I understand the hubby's desire for things to change, I feel the need for progress as well but I'm also very well aware that my reserves are quickly depleted by Baby Bananaface, anything beyond just keeping my head above water seems like an impossibility.
For now, I'll just keep bobbing as best I can.