I'm having one of those moments when I realize that I've normalized something bad and while the overwhelming sensation is one of weariness, there is also an element of "oh hell no, fuck this shit!" in there as well.
I've been living my days one at a time, trying to string a few good days together but struggling to make that happen. Nearly everyday I spend heaving my aching body to and fro, a pool of stress sploshing in my belly, my teeth clenching or my brow knotting, my brain feeling swollen and overheated, my thoughts racing any which way they please, thrumming along compulsively dwelling on painful problems I cannot solve. It hurts. It sucks. It's not a "normal" thing and I'm sick of it.
This time instead of missing the point and my mind skipping straight to "I'm trapped, I need the pain to stop, I want it all to stop, I want out" I find myself acknowledging that I need help. I need support, I need guidance, I may need meds, something to give me power over my life again, something to help me dig myself out of this rut. I don't know if that means finding the right babysitter to help reduce my stress, finding a new doctor to help me attack this anxiety, or both or something else altogether but something needs to happen and soon.
I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm angry and sad and hurting in so many ways.
All I want are more good days. I don't need all good days, maybe just content days, just enough so that I can tell the good from the bad. Lately I seem stuck with "not exactly bad" or "terrible." I harbor this well of resentment at others for not acknowledging that I'm struggling but it seems like that anger is just a refraction from my own feelings of frustration with myself.
It's time I listen to myself. I need help and that means listening to and caring for myself.
Ugh. Words right now just aren't enough.