Thursday, August 13, 2015

Dammit, I snuck up on myself?

I'm having one of those moments when I realize that I've normalized something bad and while the overwhelming sensation is one of weariness, there is also an element of "oh hell no, fuck this shit!" in there as well.

I've been living my days one at a time, trying to string a few good days together but struggling to make that happen. Nearly everyday I spend heaving my aching body to and fro, a pool of stress sploshing in my belly, my teeth clenching or my brow knotting, my brain feeling swollen and overheated, my thoughts racing any which way they please, thrumming along compulsively dwelling on painful problems I cannot solve. It hurts. It sucks. It's not a "normal" thing and I'm sick of it.

This time instead of missing the point and my mind skipping straight to "I'm trapped, I need the pain to stop, I want it all to stop, I want out" I find myself acknowledging that I need help. I need support, I need guidance, I may need meds, something to give me power over my life again, something to help me dig myself out of this rut. I don't know if that means finding the right babysitter to help reduce my stress, finding a new doctor to help me attack this anxiety, or both or something else altogether but something needs to happen and soon.

I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm angry and sad and hurting in so many ways.

All I want are more good days. I don't need all good days, maybe just content days, just enough so that I can tell the good from the bad. Lately I seem stuck with "not exactly bad" or "terrible." I harbor this well of resentment at others for not acknowledging that I'm struggling but it seems like that anger is just a refraction from my own feelings of frustration with myself.

It's time I listen to myself. I need help and that means listening to and caring for myself.

Ugh. Words right now just aren't enough.

13 comments:

  1. Oh, dear sweet Hannah. I wish I was closer to you. I love babies and you could go have a hot bath or a nice long sleep while I blow raspberries on BB's belly!

    However.

    I know. I know. Fuck it all, I know. I know that tightness in your stomach and the generalized feeling of looking for answers that are not there. The hopelessness of it all. And I know how tired you are and the weariness. I know the times of light do not make the times of dark better.

    Actually, I just thought of something you might like. Do you have Netflix or are you able to watch any Doctor Who episodes? If so, watch Vincent and the Doctor. If you can't go watch this clip. In this episode they go back and visit Van Gogh and bring him to the future to see if it would have changed his outlook on his amazing life.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubTJI_UphPk

    From that episode came my favourite quote ever on depression.

    "The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant."

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    1. Thank you Birdie. I cried some wonderful tears watching that clip and it gives me a good dose of hope.

      It made me feel such a sense of relief to think that just because I struggle with this burden it won't necessarily define me, that I may very well be remembered for wonderful things and in a certain way the hard, dark parts of my life might just make the wonderful stuff more meaningful.

      I find myself thinking of B.B. and hoping that he will understand one day, that he won't resent me or be ashamed or wounded. I guess that's a very complicated tangent! For another day I think... Thank you again :)

      AND Woohoo Billy Nighy, love seein' him act! That was a pleasant surprise :)

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    2. I started talking about mental illness with my kids from the time that they were small. It was kept age appropriate but they both knew that I battled depression and anxiety from about 5 on. I think it was important to let them know that in no way was it because of something they did; quite the contrary, they were my reason for getting up in the morning and my reason for loving life. My son is now 19 and my daughter is 17. Both deal with mental illness, depression and anxiety and I am now so glad that I talked (and talked and talked!) to them. It has been normalized. There is no shame or stigma for them. It is like dealing with any other illness. That is not to say that they do not have their battles because they do, they really do but they know they come from a long line of depressives.
      Looking back I wish I would have taught them different coping skills but I now wonder if it is a journey we all must take on our own. What works for one does not always work for another.

      Carry on, Hannah. You are a bright and articulate woman. The bad days will come and stay for too long but keep writing and keep taking one day at a time.

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    3. This is good to hear... My mother would disappear for a couple of days without notice and my father would often respond with "You don't need to know" when we would ask where she went, it was very unsettling. I don't want that for my family. It's good to know there are other ways!

      I think it is part of life's journey to discover new coping tools and through that differentiate and accept ourselves... No one could've prepared me for all the crap I've been through or will go through and even though it's tough learning as I go, it's also the best way I can think of to generate self respect and pride in my own care and keeping. Right now, I'm at a pretty low level of that but when I'm doing well, it feels good to have made my own way, ya know?

      That said, for us it's sure gonna be tough trying to avoid passing on the legacy of emotional/comfort eating... Funny, I feel bad I eat. I feel bad, I don't eat. Either way I do damage! Food. Things sure got complicated when we stopped hunting/gathering....

      One day at a time :)

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  2. Hannah, I know what you feel because I have had days like this! I don't know if this would help you or not, but I will tell you what I do when I am very stressed. I listen to the sounds of the ocean, crickets, waterfalls, birds singing, etc...nature sounds. I have CDs like this and for myself it does help a lot. As well, taking a warm shower, the scent of lavender in my bedroom just before I go to sleep helps, too. Another thing I do is to spend time with my cat, and I sometimes just close my eyes and take slow, deep breaths and try to think of nothing...at least nothing that upsets or stresses me. I am not sure if you are familiar with Peder B. Helland, but he is a young composer (quite young, he is just 18) and lives in the Netherlands and he composes music for the purpose of helping people to relax. He has a channel on YouTube, I will give you the link. https://www.youtube.com/user/MusicLoverOriginals

    Please let me know if you like his music and if you find it helpful, and I can perhaps suggest some more music for you. Yoga or Tai Chi and a long walk in nature can help, too. Sending you a warm hug and much love.

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  3. Hannah, I know what you feel because I have had days like this! I don't know if this would help you or not, but I will tell you what I do when I am very stressed. I listen to the sounds of the ocean, crickets, waterfalls, birds singing, etc...nature sounds. I have CDs like this and for myself it does help a lot. As well, taking a warm shower, the scent of lavender in my bedroom just before I go to sleep helps, too. Another thing I do is to spend time with my cat, and I sometimes just close my eyes and take slow, deep breaths and try to think of nothing...at least nothing that upsets or stresses me. I am not sure if you are familiar with Peder B. Helland, but he is a young composer (quite young, he is just 18) and lives in the Netherlands and he composes music for the purpose of helping people to relax. He has a channel on YouTube, I will give you the link. https://www.youtube.com/user/MusicLoverOriginals

    Please let me know if you like his music and if you find it helpful, and I can perhaps suggest some more music for you. Yoga or Tai Chi and a long walk in nature can help, too. Sending you a warm hug and much love.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Linda, that music is lovely! It's like a massage through my ears :) I also enjoy lavender, thank you for mentioning that, I think I will spritz some on my pillow tonight. I have been wanting to resume my yoga for months now... I hope I can get that ball rolling soon. Thank you again, I am so glad you left this comment!

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  4. Hannah,

    Please hang on...I wish I had a magic wand and a remedy, but you are right about needing to care for yourself and you can! You will find what you need. Don't give up!

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    1. Thank you, thank you. I will try.

      A magic wand (oh goodness I typed wang instead of wand just then, it was hilarious) sounds delightful, it reminds me of the scene in Sleeping Beauty when the fairies make the cake and it's a wreck and then they just get the wands out and make things right haha

      Wow, now we have wands, cakes, and wangs. Didn't see that coming when I started this reply!

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  5. Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.
    Knowing that you need to look after yourself is a HUGE first step. And here in the blogosphere there are many people who will cheer you on.

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    1. Thank you :) I feel like I've been walking along with my focus on the path directly under my toes and now I've looked up and found a giant mountain in my path! There has got to be some Buddhist parable in there somewhere, right? :)

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  6. "All I want are more good days" That is such a simple, basic request and you should definitely have it. I hope you find the road that will take you there. Do you spend some time just being with you? Babies, as much as we love them, are quite demanding and they can deplete our battery. You need to just be Hannah sometimes. Not mom or wife or daughter or sister or neighbour. Just Hannah. Relaxing, indulging and rejuvenating. I do hope you get all the help you need to help you have those good days that you rightfully deserve.

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    1. Not a lot of just me time at all, maybe a run to the store or something... I'm running myself ragged, I'm acknowledging that and hopefully we'll actually do something to help me soon. We had a babysitter come over for a few hours Thursday but Baby Bananaface was in a fit and I hardly got any me time. Total fail. Onward...

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF