Super tired today even though I'm getting better sleep at night it's still not enough to make up for the deprivation of the last few months. Not to mention that I'm not sleeping nearly as much as I need to be in order to catch up... Last night as about 5-6 hours? Maybe 7? I had trouble falling asleep sometime after 11 PM, woke up at 4 AM to pump and then 7:40 AM for brekkie. I'm beat. Going to try a nap this afternoon and getting to bed sooner tomorrow. I might have to let some things slide and just focus on rest.
So today I missed my morning group as I was pumping, then meeting with the psychiatrist, then showering. It felt good to shower today. I actually let the water get hot and washed my hair. The hubs brought me a lovely citrus Dr. Bronner's and I sort of like it/don't like it so it's a nice distraction haha I think it's more invigorating when I go for more relaxing scents usually :) Maybe midweek I will mix it up with a different scent?
Group was good, though I felt anxious. I think some of it was me some of it was sucking up others' vibes. I had a teary moment while we all shared positive affirmations. Mine was "I am enough." I cried. The facilitating RN asked how it felt for me to say that and I said it was hard. So hard. Another lady in group had the affirmation "I deserve love and kindness" and mentioned how it was so hard for her to believe and that she just hears her mother's voice when she tries to practice her affirmations.... I think I have some anger I need to express toward my mother but it's difficult for me. I feel like she wronged me yet I also know it wasn't truly her fault or intention. Blame seems so important and yet it goes no where.
Note: Must look into DBT. Sounds like good stuff.
This afternoon was less tiring than yesterday but I'm still tired. Little rests, little spurts of activity, rinse and repeat.
Today's lunch was a grilled chicken sandwich. I was a little alarmed when I saw what looked like a salad on my plate but it turned out to be sandwich accessories which were delicious. I'm not a super salady person and I instantly felt shame as if the dining hall were hinting, "Hannah, eat some salad." Anyways... My fruit salad was good but had a disappointing amount of honeydew (eck!) and I got chicken noodle again but with s/p and saltines it was enjoyable :) Oh, and of course mustard. I wrote on my menu for tomorrow I'd like 2 with lunch, so we'll see if that message gets received!
Dinner was pea-rific! I got a side of peas and a side of mixed veggies that included a crapton more peas so I was in heaven! Love me some peas. Went well with the mashed taters and meatloaf.
No jello today. Moving on...
Today I became a bit more aware/tuned into my mood, less numbed out or "up" now that things are settling down. I don't think my mood came down necessarily I just think I became more aware of how low I've been feeling, sort of lifting the veil of minimizing and acknowledging how low I've been. It made me feel discouraged and sad. The feelings themselves but a lot more the self-deception/delusion I'd been working under.
I think the hubster and I normalized my ups and downs and even my suicidal episodes, working through them as if it was just a bad day at the office instead of a more serious issue that really shouldn't be coming up several times a month!
I'm still feeling weak and like I have low tolerance with Baby Bananaface, but I got to enjoy nursing and watching him nap in my arms and playing around today. Spending that time with him and realizing how exhausting it was for me made me realize that I'm very much in the right place for me right now.
Pumping my breast milk is tougher than I expected. I enjoy providing food for B.B. but my nips are feeling the new sort of abuse and I've been struggling to get my milk to let down and stay down. This makes me anxious about pumping, which is compounding the problem. If I start getting anxiety sometimes my milk flow stops mid session and I have to try to relax and look at a picture of B.B. and cuddle one of his shirts the hubs left for me to restore the flow. Sometimes (like early morning today) I just can't get it going again despite knowing that I'm loaded. That said, I did have a successful session around 9:30 AM, so I feel good about that. Washing all the pump parts a few times a day is annoying but almost meditative, so that's good. I managed to read some romance novel while pumping today and that was great! So we'll see...
There are some evening activities/groups tonight and I will see how things go. Don't want to stay up as late as I did yesterday though. We played a fun game called "Life Stories" but boy, I was wore out even before I took my medication! Hoping for more rest tonight. Upping my dose to 50 mg I believe.
Thank you all for the lovely thoughts and support. I'm painting another sea creature and will post a picture when I complete the project :) Not a seahorse but another reef dweller!