Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Day 5 - Tuesday "on the inside"



"Homestyle" potatoes and "apple & chicken" sausage were mistakes I shall not repeat.

Today started out well enough. In fact a little too well. I know that I got the best night's sleep I've had in months (thank you Ativan) but I was a bit too chipper... My suspicion was spot on and while I felt very "up" this morning, I felt "down" this afternoon and have been navigating on again, off again anxiety and feeling weepy. Groups were good but tough as usual, bringing up feeling and issues that I haven't resolved.

On major issue coming up for me is the anger and pain at having put myself last for so long. I took the selfie below the morning I was admitted, before the doctor's appointment. I was trying to look happy enough to send a "cheer you up" support pic to my mother-in-law during her trip to visit her other kids in CA. I just couldn't fake it any harder. I didn't send it.

I know I don't look miserable but to me I see the unwashed hair, the tired eyes, the sparkless smile. It's like I can see the tears I was holding back and the exhaustion that I felt. It just reminds me how much I hold back, brush under the carpet, even ignore while I put everyone and everything else first.

And end up here.

I know there is more at hand. Bipolar is a legitimate illness but I feel like it would be a lot easier to handle without the horrible self esteem and boundary issues that I have. I guess the good thing is that I can work on those things. I can't get rid of my illness, I can treat it, but I can work toward improving my personal landscape so that coping with a chronic illness become more manageable.

Something like that.... I'm feeling a little muddled at the moment. :)

A couple of my peeps on the unit are leaving tomorrow and it is upsetting for me. Right now I feel afraid of being discharged. I'm afraid of going home and just backsliding to where I was and I don't want that. I'm afraid of being left to handle B.B. and the house and feeding myself and self-care... It just feels impossible.

The psychiatrist here said the goal is to have me ready to go by Friday but that's always flexible so just try to keep focused on today and not think ahead, like I've been trying to do.

More artwork today... I Googled "hart deer" and rather liked this image though I am not certain of the species.


It looked rather delicate and was a lovely white/cream color... just felt like how I feel.

Our "healthy boundaries" class today brought up a lot for me. I'm torn between confronting my family (especially my mother) and trying to set boundaries with how I'm treated and how the way they treat me makes me invalidated and unseen versus simply divorcing myself from expectation of change in them and trying to move on with a new set of expectations. I'm still torn... but I know that it's important for me to figure this out and get going with some progress in that department.

Spent time on the patio again and enjoyed myself. Thinking tonight I will jump for the Ativan again to help me sleep, although I am getting my other meds upped so we'll see... I don't like going hogwild with meds!

Baby Bananaface and the hubs are coming in a couple hours. I'm hoping that I feel a bit more "synced" with B.B. this visit but we'll have to see... Time for afternoon group! 

Back at it ...



8 comments:

  1. You are doing some major and potentially life-changing work there, Hannah. I commend you and I'm awed by the courage and honesty you reveal here. I hope things will become less muddled and confusing over time and that you will have the family life that you desire with your precious BB and his dad.

    Setting boundaries with other family members is important. I know there will be fallout from that and that you will get the help and support you need. Hugs to you.

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  2. Baby steps. Take all the time you need, and all the support as well.
    Re the putting self last caper? Guilty. Stupidly guilty here too.
    I love the work you are putting in - and applaud your courage. And tenacity.
    Go you.

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  3. You are doing such great work and I am so proud of you. Don't think about having to leave. If you are not ready tell your doctor so. It is unlikely that you will just be let go without a strong support system in place.

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  4. Hannah, I do love this photo, and I can relate to the tired eyes, believe me. It sounds as if you are aware of what is happening and that you know yourself well enough to recognize things, and I commend you for this! I am very proud of you, and little steps are better than no steps at all. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Sending you a warm hug.

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  5. I suffer from anxiety and I find that taking baby steps helps a lot. Take care of yourself and try not to be too hard on yourself. I know that's easier said than done.

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  6. It looks like a Heart Deer to me and a very lovely one at that! Hugs from Amsterdam

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  7. Thank you everyone :) So nice to feel supported and understood!

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  8. I agree with Birdie. Tell the doctors that.

    Keep working at it. You can do it.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF