|"Homestyle" potatoes and "apple & chicken" sausage were mistakes I shall not repeat.|
Today started out well enough. In fact a little too well. I know that I got the best night's sleep I've had in months (thank you Ativan) but I was a bit too chipper... My suspicion was spot on and while I felt very "up" this morning, I felt "down" this afternoon and have been navigating on again, off again anxiety and feeling weepy. Groups were good but tough as usual, bringing up feeling and issues that I haven't resolved.
On major issue coming up for me is the anger and pain at having put myself last for so long. I took the selfie below the morning I was admitted, before the doctor's appointment. I was trying to look happy enough to send a "cheer you up" support pic to my mother-in-law during her trip to visit her other kids in CA. I just couldn't fake it any harder. I didn't send it.
And end up here.
I know there is more at hand. Bipolar is a legitimate illness but I feel like it would be a lot easier to handle without the horrible self esteem and boundary issues that I have. I guess the good thing is that I can work on those things. I can't get rid of my illness, I can treat it, but I can work toward improving my personal landscape so that coping with a chronic illness become more manageable.
Something like that.... I'm feeling a little muddled at the moment. :)
A couple of my peeps on the unit are leaving tomorrow and it is upsetting for me. Right now I feel afraid of being discharged. I'm afraid of going home and just backsliding to where I was and I don't want that. I'm afraid of being left to handle B.B. and the house and feeding myself and self-care... It just feels impossible.
The psychiatrist here said the goal is to have me ready to go by Friday but that's always flexible so just try to keep focused on today and not think ahead, like I've been trying to do.
More artwork today... I Googled "hart deer" and rather liked this image though I am not certain of the species.
It looked rather delicate and was a lovely white/cream color... just felt like how I feel.
Our "healthy boundaries" class today brought up a lot for me. I'm torn between confronting my family (especially my mother) and trying to set boundaries with how I'm treated and how the way they treat me makes me invalidated and unseen versus simply divorcing myself from expectation of change in them and trying to move on with a new set of expectations. I'm still torn... but I know that it's important for me to figure this out and get going with some progress in that department.
Spent time on the patio again and enjoyed myself. Thinking tonight I will jump for the Ativan again to help me sleep, although I am getting my other meds upped so we'll see... I don't like going hogwild with meds!
Baby Bananaface and the hubs are coming in a couple hours. I'm hoping that I feel a bit more "synced" with B.B. this visit but we'll have to see... Time for afternoon group!
Back at it ...