Last night I talked with the hubs (and cried a lot) about wanting to feel seen and accepted and acknowledged by my family, especially my mom. I wasn't ready to have my family visit but I decided maybe just a phone call was a good place to start. She did listen better than usual and honored a recommendation from the hubs not to talk about my sister which was very helpful, asked some questions about group and how I was feeling but nothing too probing. So, while it wasn't great, I felt good about the call and my mood lifted a bit afterward, though I'm still teary and a little frightened about making progress before discharge.
I met with the psychiatrist this afternoon and he allayed some of my fears by saying that it looks like I might need to stay a bit longer and not to focus on one day (like Friday) for discharge but just to focus on getting better and leaving when I'm ready. That helped me anxiety a lot though I still worry about going home and not ending up a suicidal blob again real quick. I think they want me to have more of a support system improvement before I leave, and I agree.
This afternoon I've still be tired and low in my mood, I feel a little discombobulated and not as .... um, having a hard time saying what I mean and not rambling. I can't remember the right word I wanted to use but basically my verbal skills seem a bit off and my brain seems a little weary. My appetite was off too. I ate nearly half my cold cut sandwich and chips but couldn't finish so I ordered a hamburger (ate half) and some broth and yogurt with peaches (ate a good bit of that).
I haven't been suicidal really but I was feeling low last night, wondering if the hubs wanted me back at all since he appeared to be doing so well taking care of the baby. He reassured me that he's seriously exhausted and can't believe I managed to hang in as long as I did taking charge of B.B. and that he definitely wants me home and misses me. I felt a little more connected with the babe and hubs yesterday but mostly feeling like a third wheel, disposable.
So. Kinda tough feeling like I'm backsliding a bit but I think I've just gotten comfortable enough to let loose some of my sadness and it's swamping me. Not necessarily a super bad slide, maybe just an off-loading?
Since I may be in here for Friday, which is Baby Bananaface's 6 month birthday (I've declared this utterly important) I told the hubs maybe he should plan to visit with both of our parents and celebrate here. Kinda bittersweet, but I want to do something special and acknowledge all the growing he's done :)
Feeling pretty sad that I may (probably) be celebrating my son's 6 month birthday in inpatient and that I'm spending so much time away from him but I really don't feel up to being at home right now. And I think it's okay to be sad about that. Some tears are .... what's the word ... justified. Yep.
Two of my unit peeps that I really liked left today. That was sad but happy for them. Definitely brought down the mood of the group but I think we've got some good people taking their place.
|Lumpia was good, I actually ate most of my salad, and the custard with caramel sauce hit the spot.|
Appetite has been hit and miss today, dinner was a hit though.
Visit with the babe and hubs started well, I got a good nursing session in, we went for a walk and sat outside, but ended really bad. Like really bad... I couldn't soothe B.B. but the hubs got him down for a nap but by that time I was already spiraling. I've spent the last hour or more in a deep funk, some of the time just frozen in bed feeling like I want to disappear. Suicidal thoughts, wanting to self harm, the whole bit. It fucking sucks. So much for feeling like I'm making progress. I was afraid of getting discharged Friday but now I don't feel like it matters-the darkness will always find me.
To top it off I've started some random bleeding out of cycle and my wedding ring popped off and fell on the floor today. No damage, no lost stones, it just rattled me.
My sadness has grown, receded, and grown back today. I feel so pushed and pulled and disoriented. I thought I was doing fine and now I feel hopeless. My appetite is gone again but I want to eat all the time. I just want off this ride-permanently. Right now any good days don't seem worth this shit.
Pretty fun asking the male nurse for a pad though. Gotta say.