I feel so many things... Sadness, fear, joy, gratitude, acceptance, nervousness and more.
And then on top of all those feelings are feelings from my parents' visit. I am so grateful for the empathy exercises we did with one of the night nurses the last few nights, it really helped me see how scared and uncertain my parents were. They are trying their best and I sometimes neglect to appreciate that. I do wish that I could feel as supported as they seem to want to be, if that makes sense. There is just a bit of a gap, like a language barrier, something lost in the translation...
After their visit this afternoon I felt a lot of pressure fall upon me. I flashed back to school and trying to maintain straight As as if my life depended on it (which I did) and avoiding emotional outbursts to stay in good favor, not rock the boat, people please etc. (which I managed most of the time).
It didn't feel good to be in that head space again. I want to feel like I am enough just as I am. I don't want mounds of pressure put onto my well being, to risk every future relapse feeling like utter failure on top of all the shitty feelings that come with an episode to begin with! I don't want to live in fear of my human element, the inevitable mistakes, the dependable ups and downs that come with life at unpredictable intervals... I want acceptance. Encouragement. Calm support. A net to catch me not a net gun with threatening implications.
I will have to work at cultivating that environment, and thankfully the hubs was pretty awesome in mediating our visit and trying to keep that pressure element at bay. He say my mom "boot camping" me as we call it and slowed her roll a bit!
In other news, I can feel the anxiety in the unit about multiple discharges coming in the next couple of days. For the most part everyone stays chipper but everything seems a little more molasses-y and less "go get 'em." There are a lot of good people here and I'm very happy that we happened to be here at the same time.
I painted another peep-inspired painting today. One lady inspired the swan and a dude inspired my take on "Ferdinand the Bull." I'm hesitant to give it to him, I'm not sure how he'll take it, I mean not every guy would be happy to have this painting... but there you have it! I'm nervous about giving any gifts really, heh.
|Painted a "Thank You" and I don't like it|
but the hubs says it's fine. Hmpf. Should've
let well enough alone!
Maybe more later... Right now it's dinner time. And time to stop thinking and just be and just do. *deep breath*