Sunday, August 30, 2015

My Last Full Day

Today is my last full day here on the unit.

I feel so many things... Sadness, fear, joy, gratitude, acceptance, nervousness and more.

And then on top of all those feelings are feelings from my parents' visit. I am so grateful for the empathy exercises we did with one of the night nurses the last few nights, it really helped me see how scared and uncertain my parents were. They are trying their best and I sometimes neglect to appreciate that. I do wish that I could feel as supported as they seem to want to be, if that makes sense. There is just a bit of a gap, like a language barrier, something lost in the translation...

After their visit this afternoon I felt a lot of pressure fall upon me. I flashed back to school and trying to maintain straight As as if my life depended on it (which I did) and avoiding emotional outbursts to stay in good favor, not rock the boat, people please etc. (which I managed most of the time).

It didn't feel good to be in that head space again. I want to feel like I am enough just as I am. I don't want mounds of pressure put onto my well being, to risk every future relapse feeling like utter failure on top of all the shitty feelings that come with an episode to begin with! I don't want to live in fear of my human element, the inevitable mistakes, the dependable ups and downs that come with life at unpredictable intervals... I want acceptance. Encouragement. Calm support. A net to catch me not a net gun with threatening implications.

I will have to work at cultivating that environment, and thankfully the hubs was pretty awesome in mediating our visit and trying to keep that pressure element at bay. He say my mom "boot camping" me as we call it and slowed her roll a bit!

In other news, I can feel the anxiety in the unit about multiple discharges coming in the next couple of days. For the most part everyone stays chipper but everything seems a little more molasses-y and less "go get 'em." There are a lot of good people here and I'm very happy that we happened to be here at the same time.

I painted another peep-inspired painting today. One lady inspired the swan and a dude inspired my take on "Ferdinand the Bull." I'm hesitant to give it to him, I'm not sure how he'll take it, I mean not every guy would be happy to have this painting... but there you have it! I'm nervous about giving any gifts really, heh.

Painted a "Thank You" and I don't like it
but the hubs says it's fine. Hmpf. Should've
let well enough alone!

Maybe more later... Right now it's dinner time. And time to stop thinking and just be and just do. *deep breath*



  1. Hannah, I love your paintings, and thank you so much for sharing them. It shows what a lovely and talented person you are. What you want (love, encouragement, support, etc.), is something we all need and should have! Certainly not a gun pointed at our heads. If you are unable (like many of us) to receive this from some of your close relatives and face to face loved ones, my prayer is that you feel it from myself and others who visit your blog. I wish I could paint or draw but it just isn't my talent, but I absolutely love seeing the work of others who can, and I really appreciate you and all you share. Sending you a warm hug and much love.

    1. I certainly do feel love, encouragement and support from all you lovely blogresses! I mentioned "my blogging community" several times during my stay as an outlet and support element.

      Thank you :)

  2. Your Ferdinand the Bull made my eyes well up. How can anyone not love it? It speaks more than a novel of words.

    I was and still am a people pleaser. Now that I am a little older I do get angry and stand up for myself the odd time but mostly I just want everyone to be happy. I really do! It is, like all traits. the life and death of me. It makes me good at my job, a gentle and loving mom, a supportive and patient wife, a caring daughter... But it does overflow to the point of letting my clients, children, husband and my mom, when she was living, ... ( I am searching for the right words. Not "take advantage but)... OK, How about this? Because I am always wanting everyone to be happy *I* don't say no and express how I feel enough. My clients get me to do all the other things the other workers were too lazy to do, my kids know that I rarely freak out and will take their time when asked to do chores or not do them at all, my husband doesn't always respect my needs, and my mom would push in at times where I wanted to stand on my own.
    Fuck. I don't know where I was going with all that. *scrolling back to see what my point was*
    Yes. People pleasing can be OK but it can also be really not OK.
    Alright. Birdie needs to go to bed.

    1. I'm glad you like it :) And I understand what you were going for, it's a slippery slope for me between doing something nice just outta pure kindness versus feeling obligated or propelled by people pleasing machinations.... Oh boy, these brainy things get so complicated! Thankfully when I'm in a healthier place I can do better managing the energy I put out in worry and excess effort :)

  3. Your Ferdinand is like all your other work lyrical and beautiful. I cannot image anyone not treasuring it.
    People pleasing is one of my problems too. And the person I pay least attention to pleasing? Me.
    And tell me that you aren't guilty of that too.

    1. Guilty! :) Thank you for this wonderful complement, somehow I like the bull more now that I hear how it makes people feel :)

  4. That piece is lovely, Hannah. Your description of life with parents sounds similar to my own except that I am happily not a people pleaser. I was always speaking my mind and paying for it, but also learned the art of the poker face and keeping a low profile, so most of the time, they let me be. I hope things improve with your parents. If not, as Linda says, try to cultivate friendships with others who accept you. That will not only help you but your son, who will have a good example of how to be. Hugs.

    1. Thanks e :) I guess people pleaser or not there are always pros and cons. I think I will leave the door open for improved relations with my parents but focus most of my energy on cultivating new resources.. that seems like the best course of action in my book.

      Wonderful point about being a good role model for B.B.!


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Be well, HBF