Wednesday, August 12, 2015

"R & R"

The vacay went all right. Not good, not bad. There was tension and I didn't get to relax much, certainly didn't catch up on any sleep, but the hubs got to fish and golf and seemed to enjoy commiserating with my dad and I did enjoy bits and pieces.

The gingerbread cookie at a local cafe and the fabulous dinner we had in town at Andreas Keller. Those are probably two highlights-and the alone time going swimming and hot tubbin' with the hubs, though it didn't feel great leaving Baby Bananaface with my family...  

The dinner had it's own... awkwardness as we had embarked as a party of 6 (+ baby) but upon seeing the menu my sister bailed in about 5 minutes. She and the baby daddy went to get a cheese pizza instead. The hubs was pleased that instead of our plans being curtailed by sister's immaturity (it wasn't pregnancy related it was stubborn "I'm a picky eater and refuse to try anything new or grow up" type of thing) as they have been in the past we got to do what we wanted to do, my parents included though my mother remained subdued and the meal was quite chatless, despite my father trying to maintain a facade of untroubled waters.

I think that is a good synopsis of the whole venture. My parents pasting on happy faces all the while spending their vacation keeping my sister content and trying to "grow up" her baby daddy. Sure, they got to do the things they were planning to do-shopping, golfing, fishing, swimming-but it all seemed to orbit around those two.

The entire trip it felt like US and THEM. My parents taking care of "the kids" as they now call refer to my sister and the baby daddy and us taking care of our baby. I tried not to overthink but that first day I felt overwhelmed. All the emotions, the stress, it was like noxious fumes going to my head and on top of it I struggled with guilt over feeling... just feeling. I felt conflicted that I wasn't putting on a happy face, that I was-in my mind-expressing my displeasure at least to some degree. I was distant, excusing myself to my room for reading and side-lying nursies with the baby, it felt downright protesty! I'm sure it was subtle and they probably wrote it off as me being "gloomy" me... Who cares? I did what I had to do to make it through and it's over.

Captain Baby of the SS Bananaface
2nd time swimming, he's still not very impressed

After spending a few days with my sister and her baby daddy the hubs and I feel a bit more comfortable about the dude, we certainly don't like him but we feel less animosity and more pity. This kid doesn't have a clue. The hubs said that he sees him as a victim and feels sorry for him now, doesn't like him, don't get him wrong, just doesn't hate him quite as much. 

I realized something as we were driving home regarding my sister: for many years she would lash out at me and the family when there was conflict (usually when we didn't buy into her fake crying or there was some sort of breakdown or drama or fight) saying things like "you think I'm stupid" or "I'll never be good enough" or "you just expect me to do (insert bad idea here)" all the while putting the blame on us, claiming we thought all these ills of her. Sometimes I did think those things but only in anger and for the most part I genuinely believed that my sister was smart, capable, deep down a quality person that just needed to blossom and give herself a chance. 

Well this weekend I realized she has become all those things she claimed we thought of her, all those disappointing, "bad" things that she put on herself. I'm not sure if it's self punishment, self fulfilling prophecy, or some other twisty mental trickery but she's living up to all her worst labels and I'm beginning to wonder if this will be her life's work or if she will bloom someday. I don't know. I hope she'll freakin' bloom someday, but maybe she's just a black, prickly flower that saps the joy outta life. (yeah, I'm being dramatic)

Anyways. It was a little distressing seeing all the junk food and sugar intake and TV consumption. It makes me so grateful for the hubs and our way of living but also motivates me to eat even better and keep improving our lifestyle. Watching the baby daddy and my sister watch hours of TV while poring over their smart phones made me sad for my to-be-nephew. Not to mention the hordes of bad food my sister claimed she was entitled to consume as a pregnant woman. I never felt like I had a license to binge but she spent her first day on the town getting ice cream, caramel apple, soft pretzel, then eating chips and candy, drinking soda... I thought I had a big baby, but my nephew may just outweigh Baby Bananaface!

Oy. I am tired and I ache. Not physically, more like heartache. Watching my parents cater to those two was sad and distressing. I worry for them as well as my sister and her manchild and child, but their futures are theirs *letting it go-deep breaths-letting it go*

Some throwback cuteness to those early days

IN OTHER NEWS, the hubster and I were quite argumentative and snappish again and we're coming to terms with the fact that we are simply overextending ourselves and suffering the consequences. Our eating habits, exercise, and marriage are suffering and we are reapplying ourselves to working on things with more focus. That said, we are still bickering and it sucks. We definitely sync at times, which is good, but a lot more bickering. 

I can't remember the quote or the metaphor or whatever, but I remember someone talking about marriage and a garden or a farm, and how, with the right person, the work that goes into marriage can be enjoyed and in some ways seem easier much like a farmer that loves his land enjoys his work, while the farmer who his mismatched to his trade will be miserable and the work will weigh heavily upon him. 

Even in these hard times when the hubs and I are prickly with each other I still want to do the work, we still make repairs, we still come back together-so while it feels like we're spinning our wheels, I think we'll get where we want to be once we get the help we need, some rest, and put in some good work :)

... and until then, thank the Universe for take 'n bake pizza!


  1. The first picture of BB made me laugh! He has the "wat da hell?" look on his face. My god. How do you stand the cuteness?

    I hope that this baby helps your sister bloom. Not only for her sake but for the baby's as well. I do wonder if eating all that junk will make a bigger baby? She may put weight on but the baby could be quite underweight from lack of nourishment. I was so sick with both my pregnancies and ended up 25 pounds lighter with both but I did eat well when I was finally able to keep food down. Both my kids were a good size.
    PS- I will admire you to my dying day for having a baby that was over 10 pounds!

    1. I never thought about that lack of nourishment thing but you could be onto something. I was wondering how obese women could be more at risk for underweight and heavy babies but maybe the quality of food has something to do with it! Who knows? We'll just have to see.

  2. Captain Baby is gorgeous.
    I am glad that there were some small pluses in the weekend. And yes, you are right. Their futures are in their hands. However hard it seems.

  3. Nice that some good came out of all that. And these photos of your baby are adorable. What a precious child!


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Be well, HBF