Thursday, August 20, 2015

Still Dragging

Yesterday the hubs and I went for an afternoon walk and discussed the call with my mom and what we should do about the baby shower.

It dawned on me why she may have been so focused on the hubs and baby, even going so far as to ask "Why doesn't hubs stay home with Baby Bananaface?" was because she wanted to keep B.B. out of the picture to avoid having him steal my sister's thunder (or take some back, seeing as she stole it from him, oh, about 6 months ago).

She kept babbling about other people having their babies there and how I'm so sensitive about having B.B. passed around and generally being insensitive and a little rude in my book (I'm know I'm over sensitive when it comes to my mother, but it seemed over the line how she was trying to control how my family would participate as well as being so negative about my parenting style). At the time I had a flare of indignation and while I asked "So you're worried about babies being at a baby shower?" which was a step for me (saying anything at all) but definitely not the real question I wanted to ask...

So. The hubs and I ended up deciding it was all a no-go. We're not going. He shipped my sister's gift. It was a no-win situation since we anticipate some social backlash in the following months but A) backlash from my sister is naturally contained since we don't see her very often B) backlash with parents is pretty manageable since they are so conflict-averse C) we came to the conclusion that any decision would make would "draw blood" and we just had to make sure it didn't draw my blood. I consciously made the decision that was best for me and mine, damn all else, and while it was definitely against my impulses I think it will be for the best.


6 months has flown by...


Today was the Thursday moms' group walk and instead of just me and one other lady we had a whopping 4 mothers! It definitely changed the logistics of walking the trail but it worked out well, two by two, swapping partners on the way back for different chatting vibes. Overall it was a good walk though I was undernourished and I'm pretty sure the baby peed out the top of his diaper onto me and his car seat straps.... Gonna have to wash those.....

Today things with the babysitter went way more smoothly. She got Baby Bananaface down for a nap more quickly than I have in days! and I was able to leave the house for a couple hours for solo time. I had lunch and hit up a cafe to fill out some paperwork for tomorrow's appointment but on my way home a bout of anxiety washed over me.

So, I'm trying to relax a bit and hope to nap a bit as I'm feeling quite tired now. We'll see how tomorrow's appointment goes.

I was pretty frustrated with B.B. last night and while we've avoided more self harming the last couple days I feel like we're barely containing the madness... yet I feel like I'm so slowed down and feel guilty for being in "sick mode." I don't know, I guess it's that familiar "not good enough unless I'm producing something" riff that constantly wears on me.

Ugh! Ending post now! I'm ramble-whining!

The End.

8 comments:

  1. Give us this day our daily whinge is one of my mantras. If we don't let it out it has a nasty habit of festering and growing inside.
    It sounds as if opting out of the shower was the best decision for you. Yes, there will be fall-out but you will be in a better place to manage it, than having to deal with it on someone else's turf.
    Hugs. Always.

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    1. How come they don't have "a whinge a day 5 year diaries?!"

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    2. They should. And if they did, I would buy one.

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  2. What is best for you and yours! That sounds like a great motto to me :) I have a feeling that as you get older, this will get easier and easier to apply. Been there, don't that *wink*

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  3. I think it is good to let it out, as holding it inside does no good and can cause a lot of anger and stress. Sending you a warm hug.

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  4. I think it is good to let it out, as holding it inside does no good and can cause a lot of anger and stress. Sending you a warm hug.

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  5. There isn't enough honesty in what it is really like being a parent. It is so hard and pretty thankless. But at the same time you love this little human with everything that is inside of you. So much it hurts. A love you didn't know existed. And yet, our children are exhausting and demanding. We keep going because we have to. All it takes is a little smile right at you and for you and we can start afresh.

    I am glad you are not going to the shower. You have enough going on right now.

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  6. Just checking in to see how your appointment went. xo

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF