Today I awoke with anxious thoughts about cancelling my doula gig at the forefront of my mind. The entire day, off and on, it has plagued me. The anxiety making me tense, at times nauseated or light headed, at others my limbs semi-frozen and heavy. I took my anti-anxiety meds but it didn't help much if at all. Living in dread is making me ill. Tomorrow, if I haven't heard from the client, I will call and face these fears. Hopefully I can at least get some closure.
I've also been agitated, impatient, and snappy today, one of my early signs that my mood is in decline. It is so strange to be aware of one's mood being so irrational, so out of control, like being hijacked. I am able to control some of the angry outbursts but still have my moments. I am able to tell the hubby that I'm agitated and snappy (which is already obvious) and I'm able to communicate about my mood but my tone and delivery is wonky... It's hard to explain but basically I'm not myself today.
Don't get me wrong, some days being cranky and snappy happens but today it seems not of me, it doesn't follow, it seems strange and out of control.
I don't know. But that is where I am at the moment.
Reading and doing my distraction/relaxation therapy helps, trying not to fight this or grapple with it, but instead letting it pass through helps as well.
Tomorrow is a new day.
PS Ya know you're reading a good romance novel when someone accidentally gets lit on fire. Pretty dang good chapter ending cliffhanger.
PPS Ya know you're hubby is concerned about your mental health when his chit chat involves some story about a lady that had postpartum psychosis... twice.