Monday, September 7, 2015

Monday Missives #7

Another in my series of never-be-sent therapeutic letters, this from a few weeks ago, since I wrote it I've realized that I need to work on acceptance but here goes the expressing anger exercise...


Dear Sister,

I am still struggling with anger, so much anger, and it is a strange thing to me. Like a new fisherman unsure how to wrangle slippery fish I am unable to grasp it, manipulate it, dispose of it and so I am writing yet another letter to you as I attempt to expunge this toxic ire from my system. 

Complicating matters more is the fact that our family doesn't express anger very well and in a way the lever to release the negative energy has been glued, rusted, and locked shut for so long I have a damnably hard time expressing these feelings.

But I will try, and try again until I find the relief I need.


fuckyou you flaming hellbitch of a flaming sonofabitchcuntstupid stupid idiot i can't believe you how stupid and rude and insensitive and mean and stupid bitchface asshole stupid potholes in my heart, stinky rotting moldy jam in my fridge, black-brown sticky oil on my hands and bubblegum dogshit in the creases of my soles I hate what you do to me, I hate the bitter stinking den you have made in my heart and i want to roust you from your evil keep and banish you from my life, my mind, my obligations, I resent that I like you terrorize me that I give up so much of myself to your manipulative, soul sucking black hole of selfishness, all the anger I feel toward you is squared by the anger I then feel toward myself for letting those feelings burn me so!

God dammit, ****, why did you ever make me think that we could be close? Why did you and Mom ever imply that you would work on things, give me this infernal hope that leads me on, ties me down. I have to kill it, excise it, cut it lose and chase it away like some friendly fawn outside a slaughterhouse that doesn't know any better...

"I'm done" rings through my mind so often as I think of things, "I'm done with this shit," I want to walk away, I want to flee, to take up residence in some lonely, cold observation tower in Greenland or the Northern Territory, protected by distance and ice that you would not brave to harass me. I would rather spend my years alone, conversing with arctic birds and watching my breath leave me than spend time in your company.

Watching how you handle your pregnancy makes me sick, I can only guess watching you parent will be agonizing. Watching you and that manchild you call your fiance is laughable and troubling. I see our mother and father pandering to you, babying you while trying to help your "partner" mature more quickly, and it hurts me to see their lives being hijacked by this pothole you've dug in our family's path. You can drag everyone else down with you, but I'm not interested. As I've said before, I don't believe this pregnancy was any accident and I will not buy into the drama.


I see only sad things in your future, and maybe it's my mood problems but maybe it's just the path you desire to take and in that case, you are welcome to whatever pity or attention you can garner from others, but you won't get it from me. It's your choice to dilute yourself, to shirk away from your potential, to enable your worst tendencies and cultivate your insecurities.

So disappointing. 


Hannah

14 comments:

  1. That is AMAZINGLY powerful. How did you feel when you had finished writing it? Relieved, lighter of all that anger?
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did feel like I had tapped something that I hadn't accessed before, like something was actually released! Sort of an empty feeling, like the moment you arrive at the place you thought would be late to arrive at, the adrenaline subsiding and a sort of boredom settling in as if all the rush and fuss was about nothing... so, odd but good. ;)

      Delete
  2. This reminds me so much of my mom and her relationship with her sister. Her sister was/is a total bitch. Now that my mom is dead her sister continues to be a total bitch to me. Just to give you an example, after my mom died I came across a lot of little mementos that I thought her sister would like to have that my mom had kept. Things like my aunts marriage announcement in the paper form 50 years ago, pictures of her and her husband, certificates, photos and such. As I came across them I e mailed them to her. I have also sent her birthday and Christmas cards. Not once did she even acknowledge that I sent them. I thought maybe I was sending them to the wrong email address but I wasn't. My aunt is just a fucking, entitled rich cow. We (my mom and now I) do not live in the right neighborhood. She once said that my mom was "jealous of her lifestyle".
    OK, I have a point. And if my mom would could sit down and talk you she would tell you to let go of the romance that you and your sister will ever be close. You can be friendly but you have women in your life that can be your sisters. Your sister will very likely never change.
    Anyway, I think what you wrote is awesome and powerful. I continue to be so proud of you, Hannah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you :) I'm glad you accepted your aunt being just as she is and I think that's a good idea for me and my sister. I have to stop hoping the best of her and waiting for her to blossom and just accept that she is what she is and we ain't gonna be bosum buddies. Good for you for being so kind and sending those things!

      Delete
    2. My husband won't let me be nice to her anymore. He knows it just upsets me. It would be so nice to have a relationship with my aunt but she has no interest.

      Delete
    3. The hubs polices me too! "Don't open yerself up like that" or "uh, no, you don't have to do shit" haha He can be very cut and dry when I'm feeling sticky and confused!

      Delete
  3. Well put!
    And now back to using all of your energy and compassion and creativity for you yourself.x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously, I need it. I'm like a gutted house with half my stucco and roof tiles missing.... :) Thank you for putting that so well Elsewhere!

      Delete
  4. Glad you tapped into something and that it's helped you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Whisk, it's not always pretty and it is really hard for me to really let go and let it out but it does help.... Ooh the dark parts of my mind... No wonder I love dark chocolate.

      Delete
    2. Very glad you let it all out.

      PS: Dark chocolate is the best.

      Delete
  5. It's fantastic that you are finding an outlet for your anger, something that can really destroy your happiness. So did you bring that letter afterwards? A little bonfire would be the icing on the cake :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ohmygosh, a bonfire sounds delightful but icing on a cake sounds awesome too... That whole package-yes please!

      Delete
    2. I meant to say *burn* and typed bring by mistake (it's the paint fumes up my nostrils!) but it looks like you understood that! Burning those letters would turn all that anger into ashes!

      Delete

Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF