Sunday, September 27, 2015

Once and Again

A memory came to me during a walk today....

Once I walked just off the pavement
The local park slash water reclamation site
Wasn't prepared for such a horde of teens
To walk beside each other I dove into the rough
I slipped on dog shit
Feel flat on my back with the breath kicked out of my lungs
Tears came but they weren't sure why
Was I sad? Was I hurt? Was I-
I laughed. My embarrassment blended
With a cheerful flush of belly laughs and
deep sucked breaths
A boy fell in love with me that day,
in just that moment.
He told me weeks later.
The girl he was with, she would never have laughed
Somehow I was a girl worth wanting
When I slipped in that shit.
I was loveable.

Today was a different sort of walk. The air was perfectly chilled, the sun warm between gusts of chilly autumn wind but my walk wasn't pleasant. My limbs were heavy and lurching, my eyes cast down, my brain in shadows. I cried. I sobbed. I gasped for air and understanding.

I told my husband how the bad thoughts were back, how I didn't think I would see our son learn to ride a bike like the cheerful children that passed us on the path. I told him how angry I was at my family. That I felt as if they had saddled me with so many problems, claimed to want to help me, and then disappeared and disappointed me like so many times before. I told him it felt like I was back in the blackness that I was dwelling in before inpatient. That this past month was just a distraction, not his so-called progress.

I could hear the falsehoods, the stain of depression on my words, but I had to say them, because part of me believes it all. A big part of me. It feels those horrible things, they become true in my hijacked mind. I have to let them out or they will kill me. Hell, it feels as if all those terrible thoughts will kill me even when I shed light on them.

I am hurting. Hurting like I've hurt so many times before. Wishing for a reprieve. Wishing for a different life, reality, existence. I can't see the way out, but I'm told there is one. I just have to wait until the wind shifts and it is revealed to me again. When my heart can look up and out again, and is ready to see, and the winds are right, I will find my way out. Once and again. And again.

Ugh. It's hot chocolate o'clock. Less thinking, more being.

Wishing everyone happier Sundays than mine has been so far. And good grief, let's hope the Hawks win.


  1. Heartfelt hugs and the usual oceans of caring.
    Those voices are such skilled liars. Such very skilled liars. Recognising that with even a tiny part of you, is a very big step forward on this difficult journey.

  2. Hannah,

    You are a beautiful, lovable and loving new mom, wife, sister, daughter, artist, friend, blogger. You are an incredible woman beyond all of that. You have been through much in the last months, including many changes and with all of these, there is a part of you that wants to live and do so much more...Hugs to you and I know you will find your way.

    1. Thank you e, there is a part of me that wants so much more... you're right.

  3. Maybe the excitement of Disneyland being over is not helping. Whenever my husband and I go away I get sad when I get back. Sad can and has lead to depression. Damn. That sounds trite but I will leave that part of the comment because a trip like that is overwhelming for everyone and anyone.

    At any rate. Are you able to get back as an inpatient? Do you feel like this may help? Sometimes it feels as if nothing will help, doesn't it?

    I am going to lead you back to self-compassion. Whenever you are feeling like you are going into a dangerous place with the lies try to think about what you would say to me. What would you do for me? Then do it for yourself. Look at the teeny tiny flicker of light and truth. Maybe you can barely see it right now. Depression can overpower the light but look deep into the well and see it.

    And does this help at all? Maybe for your family?

    1. So true, trips are exhausting. I think this is definitely related.

      I was thinking of inpatient and how it helped me feel better and safe but then I thought, "all that time, effort, and money and here I am again, back where I began, what's the point of every doing that again?" It feels really mean. Right now I just want to curl up and cower. Ugh, more tears...

      Thank you for those videos, they are really helpful. And I will try to be compassionate to myself as I would to my dear friends. I will keep trying, however little effort I might seem to have at my disposal!

      Thank you :)

  4. I'm terribly sorry you had this type of day. Here is a great big hug for {{{you}}}. It's not much but it comes with a shoulder you can lay your head on.

    1. Thanks Martha :) Reading this and thinking of your home improvement marathon made me think of the smell of fresh paint! It was a pleasant, silly moment :) Thank you!

  5. and that boy, who fell in love, is that your current boy/husband? To me it sounds like the perfect reason to fall in love with you!
    Sorry, this way up the hill is taking so long, and you are feeling hopeless from time to time.
    Hang in there, write, paint.

    1. It was my high school sweetheart :) My husband fell in love with me on a grassy ridge with a view of Mt Rainier, I was playing with the grass and so engrossed in the moment-so different from me now when I'm so caught up in "what ifs" and "need to dos" and "tomorrows!" Hope I get back to "in the now Hannah" soon...

      Thanks you Elsewhere, the writing and painting help, as does know there are those who understand :) Thank you!

  6. Do you ever think of yourself as a writer? Because to me, you're a writer. And a damn good one at that.

    1. I don't... I try. Like I don't think of myself as an artist, I use the word "crafter" to avoid the obligation of "artist" and I avoid "writer" much the same way.... I think I miss out because of it. Trying to work on that. Someday I plan to be an artist/writer ;)


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF