Thursday, September 3, 2015

That Same Agony

Yesterday was a yo-yo day. The bottom sucked. I was frozen in misery, my tears cried, my muscles tensed, stuck in bed like roadkill. The hubs and my MIL took turns checking on me while trying to take of the baby and make dinner. It was horrible to feel so low again after spending a week getting to a better place. 

Today I had an appointment with the psychiatrist and she was definitely not pleased with my reaction to coming home. "Too much, too soon" she said, "I think we underestimated the level of stress for you" and "I really think outpatient is where you need to be."

So we're looking into it. And childcare. And finding another doula for my October client. She also recommended getting a new therapist (already in the works) and moving the Disneyland trip (uh, yeah... probably not gonna happen). 

Basically I'm a train wreck in the midst of a hurricane. I can stand Baby Bananaface for a few minutes here and there but my tolerance is next to nothing. Tears or anger or both if I overdo it. I'm practically useless but at least I don't eat much (appetite is messed up too). 

Ugh. This sucks. Yesterday I said "I don't want to do this anymore" or "I don't want to live anymore" so many times in my head I lost track. I think it's reasonable to suspect that I may end up in that space again soon. 

I did "weave" a few bracelets and color a few mandalas but boy, I sure hope these drugs kick in soon, cuz at the moment it feels like I'm tossing matchsticks on a wet wool blanket hoping for a warm glow.

Shocker. It ain't workin!


At least Baby Bananaface is still glorious.





18 comments:

  1. Kudos to you for being honest and looking into getting more help, although I am sorry the week has been so bad and not what you expected, there is still room for hope and positive change. Hugs to you.

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    1. e said this better than I could have. Wishing you the best in the days to come. Hang in there. Keep writing and drawing, too.

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    2. Thanks :) I just had to cancel on a doula client for late next month (she hasn't responded but I'm roiling already)... I'll do my best.

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    3. I am new here. When is the trip to Disney? Sounds like fun.

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    4. Supposed to leave the 18th, the psychiatrist wasn't too keen on the idea, asked if it could be postponed but I think not. Hoping it will be a boon and not a trigger.... I can only prepare the best I can and hope for the best :)

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    5. Sounds like a fun trip. The whole family going?

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    6. Still new here, I'm playing catchup. What's a doula client?

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    7. I am a trained birth doula so I attend women in labor and provide emotional and physical support, I wasn't actively taking clients but someone I had worked with before reached out to me and asked if I would work with her again and I said yes, but that was before I really bottomed out and as it is I can't handle it so I had to cancel on her... very difficult for me to do.

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  2. Heartfelt hugs.
    Some days even one day at a time is too much. Minute by minute.

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    1. Seriously! Thank you. This is spot on.

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  3. Hannah, when I was at my sickest it took months to start to even level out. It was a LOT of bad days and then I would have a good 20 minutes and then everything was bleak again. Just the medication alone will take 6 - 8 weeks and that is just to the point of just basic coping. From there I started counseling. I had to go each week with going to the crisis drop-in when needed between.
    Do not expect anymore from yourself right now than eating, sleeping and maybe brushing your teeth. Maybe tomorrow you might wipe a counter down or pick up some clothes off the floor. That is how you will be for a while. Be as gentle with yourself as I would be if I was there helping you. I would tell you to sleep and eat grilled cheese sandwiches and have a hot bath. Anything else can and will wait.

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    1. Thanks Birdie :) Hot baths and grilled cheese sound fabulous! The hubs and my doc really helped me realize that I need to cut myself a break and change my expectations. It was tough, but I gave notice to a doula client... sucks waiting to hear the reply but I had to do it. One thing at a time I guess. For now, one hour at a time and imagining a little mini-Birdie on my shoulder "whoa now! that's too much!" :)

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  4. Warm hugs coming your way, Hannah. I shared a video about depression on my Thursday blog that I really hope will help you in some small way.

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    1. I will check that out, thanks for the tip it's been a little much keeping up with the blogs so the tip helps :) Thanks!

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  5. The main lesson I try to learn from my teacher Tara Brach(.com) is: these thoughts feel real, but they are not true. Do not believe them. Let them pass.
    Sooooo much easier said than done.
    Hang in there, I hope outpatient care will get you back on track a little more.
    You are still dancing.
    love

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    1. Thanks Elsewhere :) Those feelings are so slippery and convincing! But it is a good reminder to try and let them pass through me, don't buy in, don't cling to them, just let them float on by... :)

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  6. One breath at a time, one foot in front of the other, and keep writing and talking it through. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your baby is glorious. You are too, though some days it may be hard to feel it. Sending love to you. Hang on. Hang on.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF