Friday, October 23, 2015

Forcing It

This week I've been getting up late, peeling myself out of bed very much against my will. I've also been staying active at the gym and on the trail but I'm not feeling the usual "up" feeling post-workout. It's disappointing. I'm usually someone that gets a little cheer from being active and now I feel like one of those "I have to workout but I hate it" types. I think it's the depression rather than some huge alteration of my personality.

The sadness has been lurking just beneath the surface again. I'm peeved at these medications that don't seem to be doing much for me yet make my limbs feel antsy and upset my stomach unless I eat a hearty snack at pill time which isn't fun since I have no appetite of late and have been forcing myself to eat. 

I've upped therapy to two visits a week, starting next week. For homework I'm supposed to be tapping into my anger and free writing to try and exorcise some of the tension and sadness that's been haunting me.

I'm struggling. I've been conditioned to hide my feelings, never to let loose, and now I desperately need to let loose these emotions that are turning rancid and eating me alive.

While I figure out how to force myself to express those feelings, I'm drinking some peppermint tea and popping an Ativan to try and conquer the nausea that has settled in-I think it's from anxiety over expressing my anger. Ugh.

Put me back in labor with B.B. instead of birthing these emotions! 

Sad that I didn't get out Wednesday this week, instead I went to couples therapy. Not exactly fun. We have an appointment this upcoming Wednesday too, but I think I can fit in an outing in the morning. 

The hubs and I have been in survival mode and some days we don't seem to talk at all unless it's "business." Since therapy we've played cards and consciously attempted to talk. It felt good. Still feels like we're both in our own worlds barely keeping afloat. 

Turned on the heaters first time, it's getting chilly but not unbearable yet, we just turn on the heaters for a little bit.

I'm babbling in blog form! Back to my tea. Happy Friday to everyone. 

13 comments:

  1. It sounds like you are continuing to make tiny steps towards a healthier, happier you. I have never understood why the slide to the depths of despair is so quick, and almost effortless and yet the struggle to the light is hard work. Very hard fucking work.
    Hugs.

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    1. Yes. It is hard. I suppose the patterns that depression lays down in our brains works as a sort of emotional gravity, making those slides down much more swift.

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  3. Depression can do this. It can make you tired, it can cause headaches and other physical ailments and it can take away the joy of even thing we love. Keep at it, Hannah, and remember, tiny steps are better than no steps!

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  4. Hope the extra day a week helps out. Sorry you don't feel like eating. Peppermint tea is what I drink at Barnes and home. Hope tomorrow is better for you.

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    1. Thanks Whisk, cheers for peppermint tea! Rooibos is my second fav I think :)

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    2. That one is a little too strong for me. But I can understand why you like it. Hope you're having an oogie boogie Sunday.

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  5. Just checking in to see how you are doing...Keep getting out of bed and out of the house...it helps. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks e, I will keep pluggin' along.

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  6. I just went rummaging through the shed to find a space heater. It has been chilly!

    I had to watch your Baby Bananaface video again. So funny!

    Hang in there, Hannah. I think you (like me) are probably doing much better than you think you are.

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    1. Birdie, it is so funny that you say that because I've been hearing from the hubs, "I think you're in better shape than you think you are" and "I think we're doing a lot better than you think we are" and "I think you're doing a lot better than you seem to think." I'm still sad but I'm trying to keep going through the motions.

      It has been chilly! We used a heated throw blanket to warm the bed last night :) makes a bit more difference than just the cuddly mini poodle!

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  7. Depression can cause so many physical as well as emotional symptoms, so be gentle with yourself. And pat yourself on the back because despite everything, you still fight to stay afloat. That is incredible.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF