Monday, October 26, 2015

Just for the record

Postpartum depression is...

Lying in bed, staring past your spouse to nowhere as you tell him about your suicidal thoughts and then being interrupted by a teething babe that can't sleep.

Slightly different from plain ole vanilla depression.


Life is sucking. Meds smeds. Stupid drugs. For some reason I want to blame them. Trying to get back into a healthy groove but as it is I've backslid into poor sleeping habits, bad eating habits, and dark thoughts. The sadness is notable this time. I haven't felt this sad and teary in a long time, maybe this is the saddest I've ever felt.... it just follows me everywhere just beneath the surface and occasionally wells up and overtakes me.

Therapy sessions twice a week, Monday and Thursday. See the psychiatrist Thursday as well. Couples therapy Wednesday. YMCA classes thrown in there too...

I'm so tired of carrying this burden. This mood crap makes the rest of life nearly impossible.

Trudging on.

Ugh.

Thinking of Linda and wishing her a fabulous birthday, I will check out the birthday blog post tomorrow! My meds are making my limbs anrsy at the moment and I gotta skedaddle to bed.

18 comments:

  1. I am so sorry.
    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.

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    1. Thanks EC, I feel the hugs and caring and it helps me, thank you :)

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  2. It IS a huge burden. But it won't be for ever. There will be other minutes, days, years and eons. And you are there and you will notice it and you will come out and tell us about it. love

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    1. Amen! It's been on A LOT and in random order, not my usual strategy, but I'm enjoying it :)

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    2. Glad you're enjoy them. Do you watch scary or fun spooky movies?

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    3. Oh no, not me. Thankfully the hubs isn't really into scary either but he'll enjoy a zombie flick or an action kill-kill-kill sometimes. I used to like thrillers/mysteries but lately I'm more sensitive and get plagued by images repeating in my head or my ape brain taking the movies too seriously so I feel unsafe... ugh.

      Anyways, short answer: nope, they creep me out too thoroughly!

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    4. Understandable. I don't like gore, murder, and rape movies. No thank you. But I do fancy The Monster of Frankenstein and black and white old scary movies. Along with fun movies like Monster House, Nightmare Before Xmas, Monster Squad and stuff like that.

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    5. I guess I liked Hocus Pocus ND I wanted to see Hotel Transylvania but never did. That's about it haha I love Gene Wilder, Frankenstein one with him I would watch. Never have though.

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    6. Oh yeah, Young Franjenstein is a must watch. I wanted to see HT but never did, either.

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  4. Sending you much love and many warm hugs, dear Hannah! I care very much and am here, please feel free to e-mail me if you like.

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    1. Thank you Linda! Been busy but it's been on my mind, hope you had a fabulous birthday!

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  5. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had postpartum depression with my first daughter and it was quite severe, so I totally understand and empathize. It does pass eventually but while it's going on it feels like there's never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. It is exhausting. *lots of hugs to you*

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    1. Thanks Martha, I'm hoping the end of that tunnel shows up on my maps soon! I'm sorry you had to go through this :(

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  6. It isn't right, is it? What should be the most joyful time of your life is bogged down with depression. I had PPD with my daughter. I was so totally in love with her and she brought me unending joy but I honestly don't remember much of her being a baby. Depression stole that from me.

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    2. Oh good grief. What I was trying to say was yes, stolen is a good word. Today I had a moment of joy, staring at him and taking in all his baby-ness and marveling at how much he's grown so far but too often there is not those moments and they are stolen away, gone before I can miss them. Sorry you lost those memories before they were made.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF