Today was exhausting. Draining. Wringing. Like a stinky wet kitchen rag.
Drove south for my psychiatrist appointment this morning. Baby Bananaface was crawling and poking and gumming all over the place, running me ragged. I cried and fessed up to all my sadness and skepticism. My doctor was supportive and helpful, a touch of encouragement but not enough to overwhelm me. I really like her. We're gonna do lab work Monday for my first lithium check then probably move up the dose from there.
She was also helpful in recommending some couples therapists through the Lytle Center. I don't think the hubs and I are in the shit but I definitely think we've been in survival mode for far too long, keeping things from each other because we know that we're both tapped out and falling out of our normal mode of communication and frequent bonding.... it's getting lonely and frustrating. I feel like I'm disappointing him by not being better yet and not being up to motherhood and wifedom. I'm so heartbroken over it I have a hard time talking about it-enter therapy.
So. After a few tissues I hit the road and headed back north. Stopped by Chick-fil-a for the second time this week (the hub's hasn't gotten to go and is a little jealous, it's a new restaurant for western WA). Ate in my car while the baby napped. Got home and slugged around, played around, then napped and nursed until my second appointment for the day.
Got the babe, drove the 7ish minutes to my ND and got my thyroid results. Still hypo. Still outta whack. Changing dose and medication again. Back to levothyroxine, trying 100 mcg. I like this ND, my usual one is out on maternity leave, but her talking about childcare and support networks was a little much for me today. The idea of finding a babysitter or a daycare is beyond me and frustrating (our previous foray has fizzled and we're back to family only). I do think her idea of therapy twice a week is a good one. The hubs thinks I should try someone at Lytle, I just don't like the idea of driving that far and paying for parking....
Anyways. That is some of the nuts and bolts of my day. Just add more crying, some back aches, head aches, slack face and confusion. Baby Bananaface was good, but exhausting. He's so go-go-go....
To bed with me. I'm done. No plans for tomorrow. I'm torn between a trek and a day home with hot brews and laundry. Maybe a mix? But for now, the pillows. Oh! Sweet pillows!