Wednesday, November 11, 2015

A Little Big Update

What's up with the meds?
So I was running high on lithium (thus the tremors and maybe a little of why my mild state of hypothermia on the mountain was a bit more kukoo than I expected) and now I'm back down to 900 mg at bedtime. The Seroquel wasn't working and I was already backing that down but my depression was so severe last week and the last couple days that my psychiatrist is ramping up that dialing down=I take 100 mg for two more nights and then no more Seroquel. Instead I have started taking Risperidone 1 mg and will for those next two nights and then up it to 2 mg at bedtime. I'm also taking Klonapin in the morning for anxiety. I'm not sure if it does anything....

I'm having those "danger is everywhere" thoughts, feeling a little paranoid and irrational. It's pretty unlikely that our downstairs neighbor (been writing passive aggressive notes to us) is going to blow up her apartment in an attempt to kill us or sneak in and turn on our stove top to try and burn us down but that's where my mind goes lately. I'm having body aches and tiredness beyond tiredness, lack of appetite but nomming junk food and chocolate when nothing else sounds good (hell, the chocolate doesn't even sound good!), I have some angry outbursts still, been struggling to cope with the baby for very long, oversleeping, and still obsessive about my sister and my mother and not feeling like I'm moving on. Self-harmed on Monday, scratched my right forearm with my left nails. I should be disappointed in myself, but I just don't care.

Side Effects?
Still waiting for tremors to go away. Wiggly worm legs and arms after evening meds is back.

Nursing during the day and sometimes in the evening but he bit me several times last week and this weekend and that had made me angry and not willing to breastfeed (along with my very poor mood). It's been better lately but I have a therapist telling me to wean and a psychiatrist asking if I am still breastfeeding so I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to make it. Part of me is heartbroken and disappointed, but for the most part I just don't care about much anymore.

Ugh. The hubs and I have little moments or normality but lately there has been more lapses in communication and resentment building. I feel like he doesn't help me do certain things around the house but he's busy with work and taking care of me and the kid and the dog and other things, but I can't feel appreciative, I just feel frustrated and angry. He's not a saint, don't get me wrong, but my reactions are amplified for whatever reason and unreasonable... Part of me is concerned, but, again, for the most part I just don't care. I just don't want him to bother me. I just want to be alone. No kid. No husband. The dog is okay. Usually.

Still not good. Not good at all. Today I got up at 8:30 am and made it through breakfast but ended up back in bed for 45 minutes before I could actually start my day. The hubs worked from home Monday, Tuesday, and today. This is not sustainable. I'm not functional. This isn't fun. And at the same time... fuck it. I just don't give a rip. I'm miserable, I'm sad, and I don't give a fuck.

So, not good.

I think I'm safe, but I did self-harm Monday and have had suicidal flashes. Psychiatrist wanted me back in the hospital and I said no it would "just set me up for another fall, I don't have support (IRL) when I get out and I just slide back down." She also recommended something called TMS which I haven't had much time to look into. So, I slog on.

Now, I shall draggeth myself to the gym.


  1. Hannah, there is nothing more difficult than having to drag ourselves anywhere. I understand your tiredness and down feelings, because I am experiencing the same. I am going to see a doctor at the clinic tomorrow about all this crap. You are in my prayers and thoughts and sending you lots of love and hugs. If you have a walk in clinic (without the need for appointments), like we do here in Montreal, sometimes this can help to just go and mention what you are going through. Just make sure that you ask your pharmacy for a print out of any and all medications you are taking before you go, and show it to the doctor.

  2. As always, heart felt hugs and oceans of caring.
    And thank you so much for your honesty. Which I think is a huge strength. Things concealed, things covered over are often more dangerous than unpalatable truth in the open.
    I so hope the new meds help. Quickly.

  3. I'm so sorry... it's such a hard battle to get thru. What's TMS?
    Just careful hugs for now...

  4. {{{{{Hugs}}}}} to you! I hope today is better. I'm sorry things are so hard.

  5. Sorry to read this Hanna. Hope you can get back to feeling safe and warm.

  6. I left a comment here last night but I accidentally hit the back button and lost it. I was going to come back today and leave the comment again but now I can't remember what I was going to say. I think it may have been along the lines of needing to go to the hospital if you need to. Like an asthmatic, sometimes you need to go to the hospital and tweak your medication and give your lungs a rest. You did so well with your time in the hospital. Yes, you may go in and come out and get into a bad place again but like an asthmatic, it gives you some time to feel good. You deserve that.


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF