Today I talked to the hubs about my fearful thoughts and had a moment of "good grief" as I reflected on how I've been feeling and living the past few weeks and just how shitty that has been. He sounded so concerned over my thoughts that it made me realize how "no bueno" they really are...
The thoughts being things like "lock the car, lock the car, the carjackers are right out there" or "cranky lady downstairs is gonna set a bomb in her apartment to blow us up up here." I'm having a hard time coming up with more examples but I think that illustrates the badness going on.
I'm also having memory problems. Which is usual for when my mood is poor and my anxiety is high, I simply don't retain what I usually do. The evening past? Poof. Remembering actresses names or events or dates from my past? Pfft. Basically my brain is fried and it's pretty understandable.
My week was rough. Low energy, super hard getting out of bed, resisting going to the gym or being in public, I drove around in my car for many hours, especially when the baby was sleeping, cried to myself on a variety of occasions and in therapy sessions, felt pissed off that drugs weren't helping and that I felt so poorly but also felt low and like giving up on the meds. My anger hardly ever burns long enough to spur much change or action, simply sucks in on itself and lights off self criticism or other negativity. Oh the habits of my brain....
It's crazy how this all slips my mind so often. I just write it off or don't notice just how hard I've been struggling. Slippery like that, this depression.
Got an email from my sister. Total crock of deluded shit. I am choosing not to reply.
Talked about my family and Christmas and everything with the therapist and since have been talking about maybe excluding my little family from my parents' Christmas. That last time I skipped out my mother didn't talk to me for three months. It scares me but at the same time I'm sick of the status quo and I'm sick of not standing up for my feelings and I'm more at a "I don't give a shit what anybody thinks or feel" place than I've ever been before....
I look in the mirror and see that I haven't become the woman I wanted to be and I don't want another quarter century to pass and miss out on being the me I have wanted to create. I see how my aunts and parents and relatives have lived for others in unhealthy ways, remained hollow, unrealized versions of themselves, and it breaks my heart and pisses me off. I want better than that for me, for the hubs, for Baby Bananaface... But damn is it hard to fight what has been laid before you. I must.
In other news I got my blood drawn for my thyroid and lithium labs, so we'll see how that goes. Got a new chick, young little thing, nice though, and diligent. And she didn't sting me with the alcohol and the needle!
Now for the weekend. I know the hike we are planning will kick my butt but I am looking forward to getting out in the trees. Also have yoga plans for Sunday with the hubs, been years!
OH. I have had some tremors but am not sure if they are consistent enough to be.... validated? Ugh... I'm gonna go with it being a side effect of backing off my Seroquel and let it be for now.
Why, yes! There is a shitton of Ben & Jerry's in the fridge.
Excuse me while I spoon away my sorrows ;)
Nah. Tea and Bengay is a better combo!