Tuesday, November 17, 2015

What now? Just be.

The lights are flickering in my house and the menu music is looping on my The Golden Girls DVD as I write this. Occasional gusts from our storm system are hurtling somethings onto the roof. I had thought it was just pine cones but my goodness, there better be at least a  good chunk of branch up there to justify my dog's barking and the rumbles!

I am still weak and occasionally nauseated, most certainly watching what I am eating but I am feeling well enough for the familiar pressure to "do more" to reenter my mental sphere. I hate that internal whisper, that state of unease that follows me everywhere, the pressure to do something, anything because just me, just being isn't enough.

That's the old school view anyway. The old programming. I had to "do" to be "enough," I had to achieve to earn love, but nowadays that doesn't earn me anything but blacker days. Nowadays it just earns gentle reminders from my husband, "Why don't you take a break? Want to do your coloring book? When did you last eat?" Nowadays are new days but I haven't acclimated yet.

It's like when I step off the plane in Hawaii or Vegas, the heat finding every space of my body like an overly thorough frisking. It makes me angry. It pisses me off. Why should I feel this uncomfortable? A little part of me knows that the sensation will fade with time but the bigger part of me balks at anything so invasive and offensive.

Kindness is new and offensive. Stillness. Calm. Patience and caring. These things are things that I have little tolerance for and need to become acclimated to.

Now for baby pics as I'm wishing I were the momma I know I can be and not an exhausted slump of "why me?" and feel "reminisce-y." Enjoy :)

Throwback: 1st shopping cart ride ever happened
to be at Costco so he looks normal baby-sized!
He was people watching, as usual :)

The boys. Wow does Baby Bananaface do "trucker" well!
The hubs does "haggard programmer" well cuz, well, that's what he is.


"Reading" I love watching him assault his books! This was a rare, peaceful moment.

Just. Cool.
See Hubster's cool Star Trek socks?
My sexy pink stripes are off to the left.
Costco hiking socks for the cozy win.





Getting closer to walking everyday, not show here, but he
stands and balances without aid quit a bit now!

16 comments:

  1. BB is just so darn cute! He is going to be into everything when he does! You can tell he is interested in stuff and going to investigate it all!
    And I really do think most mothers are exhausted and slumpy. Really, Some aren't but most are just really good at hiding it.

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    1. Thank you Birdie :) I also think BB will be a curious, adventuresome sort-he already is!

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  2. He is just gorgeous.
    Echoing Birdie. I had a friend who prided herself on her competency. At everything. After her first baby was born she told me it was a good day if she had managed to clean her teeth by the time her husband got home from work.
    Be as kind and gentle to yourself as you are to others. We are indeed human beings, not human doings...

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    1. Human doings! Ha! That is a good mental reminder for me :) Thanks EC

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  3. Kindness and gentleness toward yourself is important...And Baby Banana Face looks like he will take on the world any second...so cute! Hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks e :) Hugs received and appreciated!

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  4. Excellent boys!
    (btw, do you have an email address on the site?)

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    1. I've added a contact widget down there at the bottom, it will include whatever email address you put in the form in the signature (the hubs and I tested it out!) and I can email back to that address. I was pretty impressed by the tool, but then again I'm impressed by remote controls.... Is that what you were asking for?

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  5. Thanks! Not sure if I filled it in right, but time will tell if you receive it.

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  6. hmmm... I don't think I did it right. I got an email back with my own mail address on it :-). I don't have a blog myself, maybe that's making things complicated?

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    1. Hmmm, not sure. The hubs doesn't have a blog either so I don't think it's that. I didn't receive anything on my end-got a crying baby to deal with at the moment but maybe try one more time and then I'll employ alternate measures? :)

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  7. I hate to tell you this but the tired and slumpy never really goes away, and it even returns full force when the teenager years hit. I hope that made you smile :)

    I love the photos. And you know what I love even more. That you all wear funky socks. That's pretty cool :)

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    1. Thanks Martha :) and thanks for the warning about the teen years!

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF