I am still weak and occasionally nauseated, most certainly watching what I am eating but I am feeling well enough for the familiar pressure to "do more" to reenter my mental sphere. I hate that internal whisper, that state of unease that follows me everywhere, the pressure to do something, anything because just me, just being isn't enough.
That's the old school view anyway. The old programming. I had to "do" to be "enough," I had to achieve to earn love, but nowadays that doesn't earn me anything but blacker days. Nowadays it just earns gentle reminders from my husband, "Why don't you take a break? Want to do your coloring book? When did you last eat?" Nowadays are new days but I haven't acclimated yet.
It's like when I step off the plane in Hawaii or Vegas, the heat finding every space of my body like an overly thorough frisking. It makes me angry. It pisses me off. Why should I feel this uncomfortable? A little part of me knows that the sensation will fade with time but the bigger part of me balks at anything so invasive and offensive.
Kindness is new and offensive. Stillness. Calm. Patience and caring. These things are things that I have little tolerance for and need to become acclimated to.
Now for baby pics as I'm wishing I were the momma I know I can be and not an exhausted slump of "why me?" and feel "reminisce-y." Enjoy :)
|Throwback: 1st shopping cart ride ever happened|
to be at Costco so he looks normal baby-sized!
He was people watching, as usual :)
|The boys. Wow does Baby Bananaface do "trucker" well!|
The hubs does "haggard programmer" well cuz, well, that's what he is.
|"Reading" I love watching him assault his books! This was a rare, peaceful moment.|
See Hubster's cool Star Trek socks?
My sexy pink stripes are off to the left.
Costco hiking socks for the cozy win.
|Getting closer to walking everyday, not show here, but he|
stands and balances without aid quit a bit now!