Choose, thick, reinforce, insurance, queen, interface
Statement, stool, disgrace, jaw, avenue, fun
Most vivid amongst the memories of his home town...
"I choose to reinforce positive thoughts in order to create a happier life for myself." Susan stirred caramel covered foam into her latte with a tiny silver spoon before looking through the fireplace behind Donna and sighing, "If I don't, if I simply muddle through without much intention, it doesn't take long before the bottom drops out again."
"The depression." Donna made the statement with a tinge of skepticism that betrayed her false empathy.
"Yeah." Susan grimaced. She didn't like to talk about this, but Donna had asked her to coffee and poked and prodded until Susan's walls crumbled. It would be nice to have someone understand, it would be nice to have someone know her for who she really was, what she really experienced. Only a very small part of her thought that was possible but the slightly large part of her that hoped for such a life tortured her, tempted her to risk disgrace in an effort to seek that supportive relationship that she'd never known.
"I've heard exercising is very helpful," Donna sipped her mocha through a thick layer of whipped cream, "Doesn't that take care of it for you? I see you get ready for the gym before you leave work. I'm a member at Gold's, we could go together! Where do you go?"
Susan rubbed her jaw and shook her head, "I"m with LA Fitness. That's okay. I do workout regularly but sometimes that isn't enough. The mindfulness seems to-"
"That's too bad." She shrugged and sipped, seemingly unaware that she had interrupted Susan. "What about drugs? I'm always seeing those commercials for antidepressants. I read somewhere that it just takes the right combination. Have you tried those? Like really stuck with it?"
Heat rose under Susan's collar and a flush brushed her cheeks. Of course she had tried antidepressants. She took a slow sip from her latte as she recalled the dozen or so drugs she had tried in various combinations over the past two decades. All the side effects, disappointments, prescription bottles, and appointments rattled around her brain and she resisted the urge to think poorly of herself. "Yes. I have tried those."
Her gaze strayed to the cafe around them; the stools at the bar where baristas chatted nearby, the overstuffed, worn leather chairs occupied by two young ladies near the gas fireplace, the other small tables with petite iron and wood chairs and a variety of cafe dwellers. Was anyone listening? Did they find this conversation as painful and awkward as she did? The snippets of conversation she heard ranged from insurance quibbles to the new restaurant on 5th Avenue, some comfortably clothed shaggy haired men in the corner were leaned over their table in intense conversation about what she could only guess was a software interface. No one noticed her and Donna's impasse.
"I'm so glad we finally got to get together." Donna smiled and proceeded to discuss her opinion of last week's staff meeting, how her cat, Queenie, didn't seem to like tuna like "all the other cats," and how her ex-husband never knew how to have fun but now enjoyed parasailing with his fiance.
Susan wondered just how many cats Donna had while she smiled and nodded through the conversation. Another zombie, she thought and sighed. It had been so long since Susan had found someone she really connected with that she had slid into the belief that she simply wasn't compatible with anyone. It was a bad mental habit she was working on reversing and a large part of how she ended up going out for coffee with Donna, but she had begun to regret the decision. Her ambivalence was worse than being alone.
She would small talk for just a bit longer before extricating herself from the visit and fleeing to her one bedroom apartment and an old Julia Roberts movie. Maybe in another few weeks she would venture out again and explore friendship options, but for now, she would give herself a break and regroup. In a world full of Donnas it took a lot of energy to be a Susan, and that's okay, she thought. It's okay to be me.
Not my favorite writing exercise ever but I did it!
In other news, Baby Bananaface has had an up and down day just like me and the hubs. Feeling okay and then feeling sick (teething/coughing/snotting). The hubs is taking medicine now too and I must admit the Tylenol I took earlier did help for a bit. We are all a bit of a mess I would say.
|He was happy to be at the table,|
not too thrilled with his early dinner.
|He grabbed his hair with a fistful of mash!|
Never done this before but illustrated his displeasure
quite effectively (though you can't tell
because he smiled for the camera).