Thursday, December 31, 2015

Dream #3764 & Happy New Year

I am in labor again. It feels the same, but I am more self assured. The midwife silently attends me, the hubs waits patiently beside me; they both know that I know what I'm doing. The baby comes and I pull it into my lap and onto my chest, the midwife murmuring compliments as she inspects the wrinkled newborn and listens for the first cry. The cry is loud and startling, so much different than Baby Bananaface's had been

The placenta comes. I am cleaned up by the midwife and then I hand the baby to my husband and don a sleeveless sleep shirt with tiny buttons down the front. I head outside. I have no underwear or pad on and can feel the blood oozing from my gaping cervix, it would surely course down my leg in a few seconds time, but I walk on into the blazing sunshine.

I am in some arid place. The ground is dusty and the horizon orange canyons and shimmering cars driving a long haul to some place more welcoming. I walk toward a large bridge extended over a canyon. It is sun bleached blue with thousands of large bolts. A trickle of water is far below at the bottom of the canyon calling itself a river on some maps.

Just before the bridge leaves solid ground there is a parking lot with a viewpoint and various placards with local history for tourists. I come to a small railing dividing the parking lot from the main road and sit down, letting my legs hang down the short cinder block wall, leaning forward onto the lowest rung of the metal railing.

I am looking for my mother but cannot recognize her in the crowd of tourists. My gaze falls to the ankles of the throng of people and I see a blurry tattoo half covered by ankle socks and well worn slip on sneakers. She turns and comes to me with her arms crossed, her face blank.

"It's a girl." I say, my own face veiled, my eyes watching and waiting.

She turns away, back to the lookout and I sigh.

The midwife and my husband are walking out to me with the baby. They are chatting and smiling, joyful and proud.

I sit at the railing and feel the blood pooling within me. I want to weep but I sit and let the sun beat down on my back and arms, willing it to evaporate my tears from within.

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That was my dream. I needed to type it out... get it out.

In other news, the hub's turns 30 at 12:01 AM and we ring in the New Year. Not sure if I'll be awake but he usually insists on some fanfare so I shall try :)

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year, a better year than last, health, joy, and friendship. Let's hope for a good one :)

4 comments:

  1. A very Happy Healthy New Year to you - full of love, laughter and achievements.
    And happy birthday to the hubs.

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  2. Happy Birthday to your husband, and Happy New Year to you, dear Hannah!

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  3. Happy New Year, Hannah! I wish for a wonderful 2016 for you and your beautiful family. And happy 30th to your hubby.

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  4. Oh, Hannah. Your dream was so sad. Dreams can be so powerful and leave us tipped upside down.

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Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF