The hubbo is excited, getting in the spirit. I am... sad. I have no appetite, I am simply helping prepare for a Christmas Eve feast because that is the thing to do. I somewhat enjoy the holiday lights, but they make me blue, wishing for a cheerier holiday. I just can't be cheery and that's that; I have to settle for a sad, every-once-in-a-while smile type of uncheerful.
In other news, Sunday has continued to shakedown and fallout. My dad sent the hubs an email discussing how hard things are for my mom at the moment and assumptions were made and basically excusing all behavior and requesting accommodations. It was really invalidating. I feel like my family just doesn't care, they're just waiting for the "all clear" so everything can go back to normal.
I can't go back to normal. When/if I get through this I'll be something else entirely and I don't want the same ole relationship with my family to pursue.
Also related to Sunday, during the phone call and email with my dad my aunt Sally came up a bit. Apparently she's not well, medications making it difficult to walk, not going to last long. I know nothing concrete, just sad hearsay...
I haven't been close with my aunt for quite some time. I saw this eventuality coming many years back and when I realized she wasn't going to stop smoking I began distancing myself. The last time I saw her she couldn't help but complain about my mom and how they were estranged at the moment or distant, whatever, it was like nothing had changed and it made me sad. I expect nothing has changed. She hasn't called or texted or written me and I'm in such a state that I can't go out on salvation missions. It feels cold but true. I just can't give myself away when I've got barely enough to cling to.
What I did do was send flowers for Christmas/just because. I made sure the arrangement had carnations because they always make me think of her and the hubby was nice enough to buy them. They should be delivered tomorrow. Delivery on Christmas Eve! I was surprised. Anywho...
I'm confused. I'm sad. I spent a healthy chunk of yesterday in bed and wanted to again today but the hubs got me moving.
I know I won't get a better mood for Christmas, but a few good hours strung together would be great.
In all my Christmas grumpery I am thankful for this blogging community and support. Even when I don't have nice things to say I feel understood and accepted, thank you everyone for that. Thank you very much.
And with that, I will copycat The Happy Whisk and do a "What am I?" just for kicks ;) (I mean, I did think it was Friday after all)
|Perhaps I should've zoomed closer?|
The Whisk is the pro here, I admit this fully!